Lessons From A Recovering Passive-Aggressive Communicator.
These are what not to do.
There is one very crucial truth I want you to know now-
People will never handle your matter as carefully as they will handle theirs.
If you can understand how important knowing the above is, you will enter into communication recovery like I am in.
If you are reading this and wondering if it applies to you, digest this information by Henry Cloud:
Fruit of passive-aggressive people. These people resist demands by indirect tactics. They will not take responsibility for their own choices; instead, they turn around and blame someone else for making them do it. Or they will agree to do things that they don’t really want to do, and then gripe about the person behind her back
I used to be so angry at people because the things that were important to me were not as important to them.
Visit me and leave your plates on the sink? For who? Am I your slave? Who are you leaving it there for?
But will I tell you what was on my mind? Nah.
So, I will wash your plate the first time.
The second time, I will push it aside. You may not know exactly why I am more tensed around you but I can assure you that you will feel the tension oozing from my pores.
The third time, I will GO OFF!
Than begins the cycle of walking on eggshells around each other.
To me, you should know better:
In your house, you will not want bugs and I bet your mother taught you better. Why then are you leaving your dirty dishes for me to wash?
You are just ungrateful trying to treat my house like a dustbin.
On the other hand, you are probably thinking- what is with her? She is just a witch.
So round and round on eggshells around each other we walk, until we part.
See you again, never!
That might be a smaller version of how you passively communicate. For me, that was just the system of how it usually escalated. I found this out when I started to take responsibility for my behaviours.
See this because, It was huge to realize:
People will never handle your matter as carefully as they will handle theirs because:
- They genuinely don’t know how to
- People will choose the path of least resistance over efforts if they can help it.
- Some people really don’t care how they behave.
- It is always on you to enforce the boundaries you desire. It is always on them to accept it or walk away.
- Some men grew up with their mommy doing everything for them so now every woman they meet is expected to pick up their slacks. (Including those doing them huge favours already).
I needed to communicate better. With that realization came some boundaries I made with myself:
- I don’t have to erupt. Using my words is always a good step the first time it becomes an annoyance.
- I say NO. Saying no can feel really painful to my senses but with each no- it gets easier.
- I am calm in dialogue- even if I am terrified of you.
- If dialogue fails, I must remove myself from the environment or ask them to leave if it is within my power.
- As often as possible, I overcome nerves or push down passive aggression with a big smile or a big inhale/exhale.
- Follow up on my boundaries. It should be reasonable to be enforced properly.
- No more yelling. Yelling just gives me headaches.
More on Yelling: This was the way people communicated their anger and disgust when I was growing up. (Are you me?)
Outside of dialogue, it is 0–100.
You can be polite but must be firm.
How to handle rudeness or ingratitude:
There are some people that will always call when in need. It is always:
“Can I borrow money?”
This used to GET MY GOAT.
Any passive aggressor will tell you- our anger starts in the mind. Rather than tell you off immediately, in the mind are variations of:
‘Why are you always calling me for money? You are so predictable. So this! So that!’
Usually what comes out of the mouth is stilted conversation, an angry Yes or passive aggressive excuse.
After the conversation, someone like me will stay mad for hours replaying the conversation and all the things I should have said to put you in your place.
Now:
“Can I borrow money?”
“No”.
And I don’t explain.
I also shake it off or walk it off because I might spray that anger on the next innocent bystander.
Learning to speak politely but clearly and firmly is still an ongoing practice for me.
At the root, I found out that-
- I was afraid of saying no. What if they hate me?
- What if they were someone I thought was cool and who was doing me a favour by asking for my help?
- What if it was someone I really wanted to please or someone I had a lot of respect for?
I struggled a lot living with the guilt of saying no. (See Here!)
I have retrained myself to not overthink it anymore. If saying no to your request makes me an evil witch, I am happy to be one.
The most important lesson about being a recovering passive aggressive communicator for me is taking responsibility for my own actions. This has never felt so good.
Erupting like lava over someone else’s actions isn’t a good look and not just because I am going for the chilliest emperor that ever lived- it just isn’t effective for long-term relationships.
And as the world’s chilliest emperor in the running, what else can I do if I already yelled? Nothing.
I cannot give my subjects such power over me.
Thank you for reading. Buy me coffee?
