The Enneagram & Us Part 2: The Aristocrat & The Charmer
By Michael
A couple of weeks ago we started a series of blogs here at “Our Big House” giving an introduction to the Enneagram; a tool that we have found helpful in integrating ourselves into community living and being more compassionate towards one another. If you didn’t read that post you may want to skip back and take a look so that Part 2 makes a lot more sense.
Where to start? Which person or which number should we begin with?
Why don’t I begin with myself; a Type 4, The Individualist?
Here is a brief overview of The Individualist from The Enneagram Institute.
Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.
Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)
Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a “rescuer.”
There are many things in this description that resonate with me and it certainly resonates with how I relate to the people closest to me. Living with a Type 4 is a bit like living with a yo-yo; often up and down and completely unpredictable. Multiple mood swings can happen within the hour.
Interestingly it was the people I work with that helped me to see this character trait. I didn’t realize that others could see the kind of storms that were going on inside of me from day to day. Hope too has confirmed that I have often left her feeling alone, even while we are together, because of my tendency to withdraw emotionally from those around me. My kids too remind me of how throughout their childhood I would make certain gestures and noises that would alert them to certain mood swings. Funny, I knew little of this; I was not the most self-aware person. Living in community is a great way to get to know yourself.
Of course it is not all storm clouds and mood swings living with a Type 4! We are also very creative and bring much beauty to the world around us. One of the worst things for a Type 4 is to be considered ordinary! I might appreciate a monochromatic colour scheme that someone else has created; but, if it were my space I would have to throw something just a little bit oddball into the mix! While I am not the only creative person in Our Big House; there are touches of my creativity all around our home. I love the challenge of making things beautiful and using my hands and talents to accomplish this. Most recently my creative side has come out in the baking and decorating of cakes. Our household (and waistlines) have benefited from this new passion.
As we mentioned in Part 1, most people have the primary characteristics of one Enneagram type and the secondary characteristics of one of the numbers next to the primary type (these are called wings). In my case I am a Type 4 with a 3 Wing.
Eric’s personality is similar to mine in that he is a Type 3 with a 4 Wing. He too has many of the same tendencies towards withdrawing although his moods are probably more steady than mine. He also is quite creative; primarily expressing himself through his ability to write and communicate with words. Type 3 is known as The Performer and this is Eric’s primary type and my wing.
Here is a brief overview of Type 3 from the Enneagram Institute;
Threes are self-assured, attractive, and charming. Ambitious, competent, and energetic, they can also be status-conscious and highly driven for advancement. They are diplomatic and poised, but can also be overly concerned with their image and what others think of them. They typically have problems with workaholism and competitiveness. At their Best: self-accepting, authentic, everything they seem to be — role models who inspire others.
Basic Fear: Of being worthless
Basic Desire: To feel valuable and worthwhile
Key Motivations: Want to be affirmed, to distinguish themselves from others, to have attention, to be admired, and to impress others.
Living with Eric is not hard, in that, he is not difficult to motivate. He is probably one of the hardest working people in the household and is very committed to the success of everything he is involved in. In fact he probably takes on too much at times. When at home if he is not involved in parenting, cooking, cleaning or other household duties then he is probably in a corner of the house working on a paper that is due for his current course load at Fresno Pacific University. While most of us just mange to go to work and keep up our household duties, Eric is also completing a Master’s degree.
For fun, Eric might squeeze in watching a baseball game or two or some other event where a score is kept and there is a definite winner and loser. Type 3’s love a good competition. Eric is the one who will also be up for a game of cards or something if others suggest it; though his 4 wing might cause him to sulk a little if he should lose.
Understanding one another is helpful in living together. We learn to give one another space to be ourselves and can encourage us when we are falling into the more troubling aspects of our personality. In Part 3 we will give you a glimpse into what is like to live with a couple more of“Types” that live in our house.
P.s. The Enneagram institute labels a Type 4 with a 3 Wing “The Aristocrat” and the Type 3 with a 4 Wing is called “The Charmer”
