The Definitive Ranking of Commercially Available “Hellboy” Masks
It is October once more. The Halloween season has cometh, and the societal need for a definitive ranking of commercially available masks has arisen from its annual slumber.
You may remember the previous installment in this series, the runaway hit “The Definitive Ranking of Commercially Available ‘Venom’ Masks.” What a simple world (mask-wise) we lived in then. O, how I long for those times.
How naive of me to think there could not possibly exist any commercially available masks worse than the eleven variations of Venom I discovered a young twelve months ago. How naive indeed.
For you see, dear ‘weener (short for “Haloweener”), I have stumbled upon a twisted presence that has swiftly and covertly overtaken our once bucolic domain (again, mask-wise).
I am referring, of course, to Hellboy masks.
Now, I know what you might be thinking: “What is a hell boy? I’ve only heard of Batman, Iron Man, Elongated Man, and Venom! You mean there are more comic book characters out there?”
Yes! And Hellboy is one of them. And they made masks. Lots of masks.
A Hellboy Primer
Real quick: this is what Hellboy traditionally looks like, as drawn by the character’s creator, Mike Mignola.
Here are some facts about Hellboy:
- He’s a boy
- He’s from hell
- He has little horn stumps on his forehead because he sawed off his demon horns (because he’s embarrassed about being a demon I think?)
- Sometimes he has full horns, though
- He has a big rock-like right hand or something
Hellboy has also been made into three movies! Two of them were directed by the Oscar-winning visionary Guillermo del Toro and starred the legendary Ron Perlman as our titular Hadesman. Here’s what the del Toro/Perlman version looks like.
The other one was directed by the sometimes-cool-scene-making Neil Marshall and starred the Stranger Thing himself, David Harbour. It came out earlier this year and nobody liked it. Here’s what the Marshall/Harbour version looks like.
That’s it! Now that you’re a fully educated Hell-head, let’s move on to the ranking!
Honorable Mentions
This comic-accurate rendition
Available here
Let’s just get this one out of the way first. It looks just like the comic book.
That is to say, it’s actually pretty good! Too good for this list, in fact. It doesn’t belong with the lowlife masks you’re about to see. Thank you, next.
This friggin’ phoney
Available here and here
What the hell is this? (See what I did there?) It sure as hell (Ok I’ll stop) isn’t Hellboy. This mask should be called, like, Satanfella or something.
Did the maker of this mask already have this design lying around and just decide to cash in on the commercial frenzy of the 2019 “Hellboy” film (that nobody liked)?
One of the listings for this mask includes this image in it’s product gallery:
“Oh.”
— Designer of this mask after seeing this image
Another listing for this mask (yes, this is available from two different vendors) includes this image in it’s product gallery:
Sure. I don’t know what is going on here, but I’m glad this image exists.
And if you’re worried about the price of this mask, don’t! The vendor is selling it for a reasonable NINETY-EIGHT UNITED STATES DOLLARS AND NINETY-EIGHT UNITED STATES CENTS.
Like I said. Reasonable. Next!
Just the hand
Available here
If you want to be Hellboy but only a little bit, here’s the product for you. It’s just the hand!
The problem with this product is that it looks too much like a regular sized human hand and not enough like an oversized opposable rock. I like to imagine that it’s actually just a heavy duty, Hellboy-licensed kitchen/utility cleaning glove. Check out the inside:
Oh yes. This thing is just waiting, desperately, for your sweet, sweet right hand. Give the glove what it wants.
Bronze Level
This garish guise
Available here
This one is strange. It’s odd because it doesn’t really look particularly like either of the movie Hellboys, nor does it look that much like the comic book Hellboy, and yet it isn’t that far off from them either. It’s like, it has all the trappings of a Hellboy, but I don’t get the full Hellboy experience. I can’t really complain about it but I also can’t praise it.
It’s like a donut from Dunkin’ Donuts. If you absolutely need a donut right now and Dunkin’ is the only nearby option, sure, that’s close enough to a real donut to meet the requirement. But when you bite into it and really think about it, you’re like, man, when was this made? Where was this made? There’s no room for a donut machine back there. Is this really a donut? I’ve probably had better donuts before. I should seek out better donuts in the future.
That’s this Hellboy mask. And now I want a donut.
I can hear you shouting: “Hey! These are more than just masks! Automatic disqualification! I demand justice!”
You’re right, and I agree with you. But, there are some true buried treasures amidst these costume packages (mask-wise). Plus, I had to include these in case one of you ‘weeners out there did your own research into commercially available Hellboy masks, saw these, and then were like “Hey! You didn’t cover every extant Hellboy mask variation! Automatic disqualification from the mask ranking world! I demand justice!”
Obviously, I would like to avoid that conflict. Because of this controversy though, they are relegated to the Silver level.
These come in adult (above, left) and child (above, right) sizes and are clearly inspired by the Harbour Hellboy (which shall now be known as Harlbouy). They are perfectly acceptable. Actually, they might be a little too acceptable. They don’t have that unique “What have you done?” that you really want in a commercially available Hellboy mask.
But, look at this strut! What confidence!
Yaaaas, Harlbouy!
And, look at it’s beautiful mane!
He’s gonna need that weird horse shampoo that for some reason gets sold for human use.
The next couple complete-costume masks are much more satisfying.
Now that’s what I’m talking about. Excellent design choices abound. Just a red, stumpy, mutton-chopped bald cap? Check. Red face makeup? Check. Weird little painted-on goatee smudge? Check. Right hand that looks like an extremely worrisome turd? Check!!
And I think the designer of this next one might have seen the Perlman Hellboy film, but only while half-asleep on a flight from Florida to Florida.
What is that face?? I have no idea where — wait…
Somebody stop me!!!
Gold Level
Although I would love to write a full dissertation about every single Hellboy mask out there, there are just too many awful, terrible, disgusting masks we need to cover. I obviously will not entirely deprive you of their remarkable badness; I’m just going to pick up the pace a bit here in the Gold level.
In this section, it’s clear that the mask designers are at least vaguely familiar with Hellboy, but something still went oh so horribly wrong.
This little rascal
Available here
This grizzled ghoul has seen some things. But he has lived to tell the tale.
Why so sad?
Available here
Yep, this mask is just doing its own thing! Here are my favorite things about it:
- The horn stumps that look like roasted tomatoes. Yum!
- The satyr-esque facial hair. How classical studies of you, mask!
- The big ol’ frown! Impressive.
This middle-aged mystery man
Available here and here
Thank you, mask. For existing.
And thank you for the extra generous neck area you provide. It’s the little things that count.
Yes. Yes, a thousand times yes. Now we are getting to the good stuff. The truly upsetting stuff. The stuff of nightmares.
Here, let me make it even worse for you.
That’s right: HORNS!
Just soak in this beautiful mask.
Those dead, dead eyes. That long, thin, brittle hair. That douchiest of goatees. And those glorious horns.
Why do all of these mask vendors display photos of people attired in casual-ass clothing while wearing these insane things? Just like the Venom masks, it looks like this guy is posing for his driver’s license photo.
I can only assume this mask comes hornless by default and that the horns are long, hollow, plastic tube pieces that you just pop into the little forehead stumps whenever you’re feeling frisky.
One enterprising vendor is selling this mask “with conner” and “without conner.”
Who is Conner?? Did Hellboy name his horns Conner? I guess Conner weighs 200 grams? And only costs an extra $2.00? A penny per gram?? Give me Conner!!
You might also notice something peculiar about this Conner-y version of the mask: He’s a big ol’ baldy! (Unlike the casual Californian driver version.) That must mean that in addition to the optional Conner, this mask comes with an optional hair piece!
Imagine: you’re a young, carefree Hellboy, just living your life in the big city, distracted by the minutiae of the everyday.
When all of a sudden you come across a reflective surface…and you see yourself.
Really, truly see yourself. For the first time.
And you look closer at your terrifying, majestic head.
And you…
Thank Conner for the wonders of technology!!!!!
Miracles can happen! And this mask is one of them.
I see.
I think I know what happened.
TEETH FOR DAYS! But this mask has all that and more. I especially love the attention to detail on the horn stumps. You can count the rings on these stumps to tell how old he is! And a special shoutout to the excess skin detail around the edges of the stumps. Any ounce of realism is a welcome one (stump-wise).
Finally, let’s just take a moment to admire this mask’s beautiful, luscious, flowing locks. So silky. It’s especially striking in this super-helpful shot of the back of the mask.
I simply adored this mask in The Ring (2002).
Diamond Level
This heavy metal monstrosity
Available here
Oh dear god. This one might literally be a demon spawn. Just look at it. Stare at its eye pits. You will see the abyss. The void. The nothing.
Truly chilling.
“Show me more!” you say? Ok, if you insist.
Juuuust a big enough mouth hole for its little whispers of death to eke themselves out.
And check out the artisan detailing on the stumps.
They can’t teach you that in Hellboy mask-sculpting school; that’s born talent!
You know, I think I actually saw this mask live on stage at Ozzfest 2001.
Rock on, mask beast.
Double Diamond Medallion Level
This old-timey gangster or something
Available here
What???
Why????
Just in case you were curious, these are real photos provided by the real mask vendor. This is not me. But…maybe I wish it was?
The patches on the definitely-not-me’s jacket make these all the more alarming. And the tucked in ponytail. Perfect.
May we all have the confidence of the maker of this mask.
Aw geez, and look: it got run over by a truck right before it was going to be sent to the duplication machine!
Poor thing can never catch a break.
Holy Grail Level
This heavenly hell-sent hipster
Available here
*Chef’s kiss*
The pièce de résistance. So many decisions were made and acted upon in order for this maskterpiece, and more importantly this image, to exist. There is goodness in this universe.
Let’s start with the mask itself: the beautifully detailed (and independently colored!) horn stumps, the gigantic cheeks and jaw, the empty, cavernous pupils, and cherry on top: those tiny, tense, tightly pursed lips. A sight to behold.
And the photo. This Hellboy is a model. Every other Hellboy wants to be this Hellboy. This is the hippest Hellboy on the block. His coooool jean jacket and his coooool plain white tee. Effortless.
There’s no way these photos weren’t taken for this Hellboy’s Tinder profile.
SWIPE RIGHT! SWIPE RIGHT!
And what’s that ?!— OMG he has a surprise:
That’s right, THE HORNS! And what grandiose horns they are. Just when we thought it couldn’t get any better.
Sorry, I’ve got to cut this short. I’m late for my date with this Hellboy mask.
Well, it turns out that Hellboy mask was not maskfriend material. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a special Hellboy mask out there, somewhere, just waiting for me! I hope this list helps us all find our one true Hellboy mask. May we all live happily ever after (mask-wise).