When the blanks start getting filled in, will you be ready to act?
Yesterday, I wrote about identifying wants, needs and other awesomely touchy feely stuff. We ask people to join us on these journeys, but way too frequently, we’re not even sure what direction we’re headed in.
Surprise, I’m a dude who doesn’t like to plan, so yeah, that was me frequently. Expecting success when you don’t identify the parameters is bad UX, folks. That’s user experience for those in the room. Little bit of the day job popping in here, but, it applies.
Buckets identified. Next? Filling in the blanks with my own life experiences.
What brought me joy on a consistent basis?
Family time with those I love.
Friday night family dinners out at the Domain, eating food, talking about the week, making Saturday plans, then getting gelato at Frost, coming home and having a cuddlefuddle on the sofa while watching a movie.
Saturday or Sunday mornings shopping at HEB, pushing my son Fox around in the race car shopping cart while dancing.
Date nights where I can connect with my partner by doing something familiar, or maybe something new and different. Just using that time to spend with each other and remember the passion, love and joy that another human being is as invested in who I am as I am invested in who they are.
Waking up before my partner, and getting the kid(s) up and going while they enjoyed some much needed downtime. Doing dishes and straightening the house together.
Realizing that a moment is brief, and once it’s gone, your chance to enjoy it is gone, too. Loving the tiny nuances of your son’s first relationship, then his first heartbreak. Delighting in your toddler’s discovery of lady bugs in the back yard and how he just wanted to watch them for what seemed like hours (about 10 minutes in toddler-parent life).
What did I miss the most?
Intimacy, first and foremost.
Important lesson we all need to hold dear:
Remember your partner is a man or woman first. Love the mother or father they are, but never forget the moments of desire, or intimacy, of romance or connection that existed on that first date.
A close second, though, as my wonderful partner has coined it, “was having my person.”
You know, the person you immediately want to send the stupid article. The one about the dog talking in a Spanish accent, that everyone is sharing all over the internet and it just makes you laugh uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
The person you text all day long about nothing at all, just because you want that tether between the two of you to be reaffirmed. Because it’s vital they know that, even as you’re sitting in a client meeting, you’re thinking of them.
I missed family. Recognizing how important the role of dad has become for me was one of my biggest surprises of the last few years. Being a bedrock for the kids, and truly loving most of my moments with them, even when it’s whining about nerf guns or changing the fourth blow-out of the day, rocked my world.
Little things are what I missed most when it came to family. Everyone doing nothing…together.
Downtime together, doing nothing astonishing or earth shattering, except smiling, playing, and loving. Shopping, cleaning, cooking dinners, going to movies. Delighting in that sense of warmth that can only be described as “feeling like home.”
Communication that can be trusted. Maybe it seems like a given, but too often, people create no-go zones where certain topics illicit a negative reaction. We end up avoiding those topics or chat, and the result is hiding what you’re feeling or thinking. Over time, that becomes the norm, not just for those taboo topics, but for daily events. Hiding something big becomes easier until you look back and realize you’ve reached a point of no return.
What caused the most consistent pain?
Phew. Now this gets into the really real, right? One thing to be all chatty about wonderful fluffy things you love, but a whole other endeavor to be honest with the world about things that caused you consistent pain. Especially when there’s no desire to finger-point or lay blame. Relationships rarely end due to the actions of one person alone, after all. It takes two to Fox Trot.
My defensiveness, based on my refusal to openly talk about my own concerns, fears or feelings, is at the tippy top of this list.
Anxiety is a helluva thing. Old versions of me manifested anxiety through a rejection of even the most base social interactions with strangers. Elevator rides. Conversations in hotel lobbies or lines at the grocery store. But, much of that had to be resolved by requirement: as a business owner, I had to be approachable, and approach, strangers.
Older me, however, enacted my anxiety through never being truly honest about my fears or my worries. Keeping the little things that bothered me to myself, or an even greater sin, letting little things become a bezoar of resentment that showed itself in passive aggressive actions or statements.
Taking for granted the love I was given. Way too many of us are probably guilty of this, let’s be honest. Settling into the routines of life, and somehow thinking that your narrative is the main narrative.
In his book, On Writing, Stephen King mentions that when he’s writing characters, he has to remember that everyone has the lead role in their own story, even if that’s not the story you’re trying to tell right now. No one is simply “the best friend” or the “mean boss,” but each is a complex, interesting person trying to make their way through their own struggle and journey.
Sometimes, I was too guilty of being so singularly focused on my own pain, my own struggles, my own driving motivations, that I would forget to revel in the fact that my significant other was going through just as many difficulties as me. Consistently, even in the moment, I would find myself wanting to correct this behavior, but, shared defensiveness (not just by me, but by her) kept walls up.
Thinking the worst of motivations. In those moments when things get stressful, or a mistake happens, I would too often view mistakes or actions through a negative lens. Again, partly because I wasn’t seeing my partner’s own journey as a wholly separate entity, but also because of my anxiety and defensiveness.
Hundreds of excuses can be used to defend why I acted this way, but in the end, none of it was beneficial. All of it caused me as much pain as it did her, and too much strain for someone to take on when there are so many other factors in life that are out of our control.
As my person says, you have to look at someone’s actions or statements through the lens of intent vs impact. An action may piss you off. Could hurt your feelings. Could send you into a spiral of self-doubt or ear-reddening rage, but was that their intent? Or was that just the impact your personal filter created?
What are your love languages?
For those that don’t know, a love language is the way in which you accept and express love and affection towards someone else. Interestingly, sometimes we show love in ways that don’t resonate with us as a way of getting love, and understanding that is also vital.
A concept introduced to me during my former life, identifying what your love languages are is a vital piece of introspection needed to ensure you’re getting what you need from a relationship.
Three love languages seem to have the most impact on me
- Physical touch: A hug, a hand on the shoulder, kisses and whatever else you want to put into this category. For me, a snuggle on a sofa watching silly shows on Netflix is a way to recharge my personal connection battery, while also mending a hurting soul.
- Time together: Quality time, say a vacation or deep moments achieving some shared goal, are marvelous, but also, not what’s always necessary or even preferred. Remember snuggling on the sofa watching Netflix? Yeah, this falls into that category. Talks, walks, cooking in the kitchen, hanging out eating dinner as a family, all of these things fall into my bucket of time together.
- Appreciation: For the longest time, this one was tough for me, because I’m hardwired to say, “Eh, no big deal.” or “Thank you isn’t necessary.” Reasons why abound, and can be picked apart through psychoanalysis and other fun stuff, but appreciation spans the gamut from someone being genuinely grateful for me making sure a task is completed to compliments about my physical appearance or work. It’s an odd sensation when you realize that one of the things you need to feel loved is something that you have continually waved away as if it wasn’t necessary. Keeping this in mind, through many interactions, has helped me immensely, allowing me to recognize appreciation when its there instead of pushing it away, and wondering where it is.
As far as showing love, I tend to do the above, because they resonate with me personally, but also love popping in little surprises. Gifts, cards, notes, flowers on the table when someone comes home from the day, all seem to be a way I show my affection though it doesn’t necessarily fill the love tank for me.
Reflection defines future action
All of this starts to create a roadmap. Or a check-list? I dunno if you could put it in your ToDoIst, and check off the boxes as you start to see someone come along, but in a way, that’s kinda what you have to do.
Time is an important factor in the healing process. Anyone that’s had surgery, or heartbreak, can tell you this. But, as I mentioned earlier, everyone is different.
What may take someone else 6 months to process, someone else can figure out in a few hours. Neither vantage point is right or wrong. It’s just how that person works, emotionally and mentally.
The Required Time to Make a Determination can be measured out with days, hours, weeks, afternoons & coffeespoons, or with moments. Which, depends on you. No one else can make that determination for you, and likewise, no one can be standing shoulder to shoulder with you as things are going forward.
Sometimes, you just know. Others aren’t living your life. They don’t know what holes were there in your last go around. Gut reactions you have to the smallest little things, like the way a conversation is handled with a 7 year old boy when they hid a toy that had been broken, aren’t experienced the same way you do. For them, these things are trivia, these are the, “yeah, but…” moments that can never be truly explained.
“Yes, but, it’s not until your third girlfriend…” the one guy tells you.
“Yes, but, there’s a least a year or more before you can know enough about someone to tell if they are a fit for you. I’ve been divorced 3 years, and still haven’t found the right person…” the girl at the coffee shop reminds you.
Sometimes, it’s the smallest little bits. Constantly finding yourself caring about the same things, at the same time, even when they are small or having that desire to just end the night sitting on the back porch, going through Spotify playlists to share songs that the other may have forgotten about and tell the stories of what they mean to you.
Sliding your arms around someone in the kitchen, and consistently finding a willing participant to stop and take the moment, even when there are 60 other tasks you’re trying to accomplish while three rambunctious boys fight with lightsabers in the hallway, running around, screaming, “JEDI!” at the top of their fresh little lungs.
And, for me, the impact of realizing halfway through a deep conversation that, “I would have never felt comfortable being this open, vulnerable or real a year ago.” With that, also comes the recognition of your own role in a negative or unhappy situation.
If you crave a deep, genuine, open connection with someone, how can you achieve it when you’re shut off? You can’t, silly! I still find myself occasionally falling into old habits of keeping things locked away, but then, it gets pulled out of me and I’m not given the luxury of self-imposed exile.
Letting yourself be happy
All of this adds up to, “sometimes, you just know.” But, none of that matters if you don’t give yourself the freedom to be happy, even if the conventional timetables, or advice, or rules of however someone else has deemed you should be governed don’t apply.
Are your love languages being fulfilled by whatever this new situation is? What about the litany of things you care about or make you happy? Are they being met? Does it seem effortless or is it a natural rhythym that you find you continue to fall into when you’re not paying attention?
Yes, is how I answer these questions.
Being mindful to not have blinders on is vital, of course. No partner is perfect, after all. I’m sure a hell not. I’m a big ol’ mess way more than I want to admit. But, so is everyone I have ever met. When you see the foibles or shortcomings, don’t pull a Jerry Seinfeld and use that as a lynchpin to let something amazing slip through your fingers.
People I know have spent more than two years, post divorce, refusing to let go of the remnants of their former life. Someone else is living in their heart, taking up their spare time, being their person in every way, but, thoughts of “well, it’s only been two years since…” fill their heads and cause them to let a great situation implode.
Figure out if those doubts are motivated by the person you’ve discovered, or are lingering ghosts from the past life you didn’t expect to end. I often find it’s the ghosts of shitty memories that cause more, “yes, but…” than anything that’s in the present.
When all the pieces start fitting together, you can choose to look the other way, or you can finish out the puzzle. It’s really up to you. People spend years getting to know each other, and four years into a marriage, split. Others have never met before their wedding day (I think this still happens?) and are married for 50 years.
Whatever is going to happen, will happen. So, take the chances that are given to you, and just be happy. We’re only here for a little while, folks.
