Coronavirus & Mental Health: Free Time, Love & Becoming Our Own Best Friend
[This is PART 2 of a 5-part series exploring mental health during the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdown period. You can find the other pieces at the end of the article.]
The good friend is compassionate. When we fail, as we will, they are understanding and generous around our mishaps. Our folly doesn’t exclude us from the circle of their love. The good friend deftly conveys that to screw up is what humans do” — The School of Life, Alain de Botton
Most of us have been there for a friend or family member at a time when they are down, depressed or anxious. Whether it is during a breakup or a death in the family, we were there to console, hug, listen.
Friends are particularly useful in this situation because we are terrible at listening to ourselves. When we are depressed or lonely, we can often feel shame that we feel this way. Our lives look not so bad from the outside, so we think that what we are feeling is unique
This is what Matt Haig, in his wondrous book Reasons To Stay Alive, describes as the “gap between where you are and where you want to be”; in other words, how we feel and how we should be feeling. Our mental suffering is this gap.
What we often need in this situation is simple: a best friend.
They will remind us that it is okay to feel depressed; that our sleep problems are because of a busy, emotional mind at a difficult time; that there is strength in showing vulnerability and they are proud of us for doing so.
As a best friend, we do this out of love for the other person. We put our own agenda and needs to one side and focus with attention and care on the well-being of another person. When we are truly there for someone else, we do not expect anything else in return; we do not wish to change the other person for our benefit. We simply want that person to be happy in themselves.
With a best friend, we do not need a rigid workout schedule or to read the entire Western literary canon. A best friend will remind us that we are enough in ourselves.
We love and care for others because helping those we care about makes us feel good. It nourishes the soul and reminds us that we can do good in the world.
During the first couple of weeks of the lockdown period, I have been amazed by the reaction of friends and family. I have received numerous calls from old schoolmates, distant relatives and ex-colleagues checking in to see how I am doing. Staying at home has been a wonderful excuse to reconnect with meaningful people in my life, who I have not spoken to in months, if not years.
But with this amount of free time, the one person who we seem highly capable of ignoring is ourselves.
As a society, we are fantastic at listening to other people; yet dreadful at listening to ourselves. Personally, I have found myself giving others useful advice on what they could do to improve their life or resolve a problem, only to realise that I have not taken some of my own medicine.
Now we have the time to be there for others, the first person we sit down and attend to should be ourselves. We must learn to love ourselves as we do our friends.
Acts of self-love: learning to be there for ourselves
Becoming our own best friend takes time. There is “no easy route to introspection”, as Alain de Botton warns us. But we can build strong, positive voices that reassure us and remind us to love ourselves in time of need.
We can start off by giving ourselves a small act of love or care each day of quarantine. These can be self-indulgent, diet-breaking, and (sometimes even) carbon-emitting things that we do to reward ourselves for getting through.
Personally, when I am stressed, a big act of self-love is to be still for 20 or 30 minutes. I use Calm App’s meditations to help me. They have wonderful meditations on Loving-Kindness, Forgiveness, Non-Judgement, and Anxiety, as well as some great masterclasses on self-love and stillness.
I was sceptical at first — as we all are. However, I soon realised that the goal of meditation was not some buddhist nirvana, but stillness and awareness in the present moment. Since then I have learned to detect and calm negative emotions as they arise within me. I have started to tame my inner critic, particularly at times of need.
Meditation has become my go-to act of self-love. When I have a busy day at work or receive bad news, I always try to resort to a short session while lying in bed.
But, just as friends will console and cheer us up in different ways, I believe that you shouldn’t become dependent on just one thing. Otherwise if you don’t have access to it at that moment you may start to panic. Therefore I have a list of acts of self-love I can use dependent on the situation:
- cooking new dishes
- writing
- taking baths
- reading books that interest me (not related to work or study)
- recording all albums and poems I like in a database
- putting my phone away for much of the day, and only responding to people’s texts at certain times (unless urgent!)
- going to bed early and waking up early (my sleep pattern!)
For sufferers of anxiety or depression, I know how difficult it is to summon the courage to love ourselves. We often either feel guilty for these acts or think they are selfish and meaningless. But, in times of quarantine, we should really learn to reward ourselves for these acts.
A peaceful soul: being enough, always
In his Meditations on self-knowledge and how to live, Marcus Aurelius said: “nowhere you can go is more peaceful — more free from interruptions — than your own soul”.
All of us want to believe this statement. But how many of us really feel this way?
The peace which is pointed to comes from the acceptance of ourselves, with all of our strengths and foibles. To accept ourselves for exactly who we are, while not compromising on our future achievements, is one of the hardest skills in life.
Yet it becomes much easier when we refocus our ambitions to the most important thing in our lives: learning who we are and what we want.
Once we have sat down and had some distraction-free, no-bullshit me-time, we will be able to discover ourselves as we discover our best friends. During quarantine, we can converse with our inner selves in a calm, relaxed way. Rather than criticising yourself regularly in the rush of our normal stressed lives.
And the best thing about this process: we can start to enjoy discovering ourselves. We can learn to love our idiosyncrasies and our flaws; as well as realising that we really do have some amazing strengths.
If we can learn to be there for ourselves during quarantine, we will have this best friend for life. Once we build up these positive voices, they will always be there in times of need.
With a true best friend we also do more of the things that come naturally to us. We relax and become unequivocally ourselves. With our guard down, we can let our curiosity take over. We can start to do things that come naturally.
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To continue with the story, find the other parts below:
👉 Part 1: Fear, Loneliness & The Silver Linings of Quarantine
👉 Part 3: Gratitude, Curiosity & Doing Less Better
👉 Part 4: Emotional Intelligence, Empathy & Practicing Openness
👉 Conclusion: Uncertainty, Strength & Holding Our Own
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