Formal Wrap-Up Post from Survivors Pod
Community—it’s been a MINUTE. As Reid’s process with his pod formally drew to a close and resulted in more published articles (one by the pod and one by Reid) and a Facebook Live video between December 2018 and February 2019, we (Aida and Sarah) wanted to write a final post here as well. While SOME of this work is done, there is still much to do and that falls both on Reid and on our shared communities.
Since the release of our first two posts, we:
- Held 1 more pod2pod meeting with Reid’s accountability on 7/20/18.
- Continued to liaise with Reid’s accountability pod via email between August 2018 and February 2019, as needed. This was mostly asking questions about Reid’s process, pointing any gaps in the work, updating on our internal work, and discussing public reactions if they required our attention.
- Monitored the survivor pod email account and fielded questions, comments, and concerns from people about the process.
- Reviewed any outstanding requests and story submissions via our Google Form. As we had mentioned, we wouldn’t do any big formal analyses on stories submitted after our initial deadlines unless new stories came in that were outside the pattern we had already established. Thus, the updates were rounded up and added (without the formal numbers analysis) on 2/22/19 to the story collection overview post here.
As of 2/22/19, the story collection form is no longer accepting submissions* and we set up an autoresponder on the official survivor support pod email account saying the email is no longer being actively monitored and to reach Aida or Sarah directly if needed. Closing loops and ensuring all our communication channels are sending the same message is important!
This work is never truly over, though, and if anyone has things they need to share, Sarah Sloane is available (sarah.sloane at gmail) to help people liaise with Reid’s accountability pod or provide emotional witnessing in case anyone else wants to share stories. Aida Manduley continues to do speaking, teaching, and consulting on these topics to help others feel more resourced and be more capable of using these approaches in their own communities. They can be reached via their website.
Relatedly, here are some reminders and parting words from us:
- The validity of restorative and transformative justice as frameworks shouldn’t rest on a single experience or process. Furthermore, we feel it’s important to point out the hypocrisy of how many people uphold the criminal-legal system as perfectly functional even amidst its many horrors while critiquing alternatives because they “allegedly don’t work” (while knowing next to nothing about said alternatives).
- The success of individual processes doesn’t rely on someone never harming anyone ever again. Our goals are restoration and transformation, not perfection.
- No process is perfect and leaves every single human 100% happy, especially if the processes involve varied, overlapping, and geographically scattered communities. That said, where there is data, many restorative and transformative approaches have relatively high satisfaction rates from survivors and even those who caused harm.
- These alternatives to the criminal legal system are hard, an investment, and messy business, but more compassionate, effective, and values-aligned for many of us.
- This work with Reid isn’t over…he doesn’t get a cookie or stamp of “Done” and it’s his job to keep doing the work to reduce the amount of harm he creates in the world. We all, as a series of overlapping communities, also have a responsibility to stay tuned, stay vigilant, and stay communicative about this. As he moves back into teaching, we must keep a finger on the pulse of what’s going on and not assume he can now do no wrong.
It’s our hope that this process and our involvement—as well as that of countless others who submitted stories and worked on Reid’s accountability pod—has shed some light on some of the options we have to change the ways we deal with harm. We hope it’s also been cathartic and helpful in some way to all those who have come forward, and we know for a fact it has been for at least some people we are still in communication with.
Now that patterns have been named, now that we have created shared language of the damage Reid created, it’s also our hope that that same language can help others speak up and out when they notice harm occurring, whether from Reid or someone else. Being the first one to speak up can be terrifying, so we hope this provides a foundation others can build on to keep themselves and their people safer, and feel empowered to make change.
In solidarity,
Aida and Sarah
*For posterity, here is the text of the story collection form (which is now unavailable because the form is closed for submissions):
Sharing Stories of Reid Mihalko’s Misconduct
PRESENT STATUS OF PROCESS:
Stories are currently being collected on a rolling basis. Round 1 of analysis has completed and a round 2 will happen when more stories come in. Currently Aida is the liaison with Reid’s accountability pod, and the core pod is comprised of them, Sarah Sloane, and a community member, while Shanna Katz and AV Flox remain as backup support.
The two people who have full access to this form and its contents are Aida Manduley (reachable at aida.manduley AT gmail dot com) and Sarah Sloane (sarah.sloane AT gmail dot com). No one else will be reading these materials unless permission is explicitly granted by each individual who submits a story.
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ORIGINAL POST:
Once the story broke that Kelly Shibari publicly named Reid Mihalko as having been sexually harassing and coercive (during not just a specific incident, but also over the span of multiple years) many members of the broad sexuality professional community began discussing what happened, what needed to happen now, and how things could change.
If this story and situation is unfamiliar to you, you can follow along with some of the public statements and conversations as compiled here: bit.ly/reidlinks.
As members of Kelly’s support pod (read: a group of people dedicated to helping Kelly — and other people impacted by Reid’s behaviors — along this process of healing and demanding accountability), we have created this form so people can share personal stories of Reid Mihalko’s misconduct. We have already received stories about sexual manipulation, gaslighting, and problematic behaviors around business and branding, so feel free to be candid and share whatever feels relevant as far as highlighting incidents and behavioral patterns that are abusive, unhealthy, uncomfortable, and/or problematic if analyzed through a lens of power/privilege.
We believe that if Reid is to change, and that our community is to heal and transform overall, silence is not a helpful tool. We must come together in transparency and a spirit of sharing to ensure that true accountability, not performative accountability, takes place.
Thus, we see this for as a tool to do the following:
1. help people share their stories and be witnessed, knowing they’ve broken their silence
2. inform the accountability processes from the survivor/impacted parties end of things
3. (if stories are shared publicly in some fashion) help other people come forward and see that they’re not alone
We have created this Google Form as a method of collecting stories in an INDEPENDENT and COMPLEMENTARY way to the methods Reid’s accountability pod is using. Submitting a story here does not mean you are sharing it with Reid’s pod and vice-versa.
Our core plan is to analyze the stories shared for patterns and behaviors as we make a list of healing actions and accountability requests, and there is also the possibility of creating a public space where some of the stories can be shared (with people’s consent).
— — — — — — — — —
Here’s a space where you can share your story in as much or little detail as you prefer. (We encourage you to give context/analysis of the behaviors you found to be a problem, too.) *
Your answer
How would you like for us to handle your identity in this project? *
I want to be totally anonymous in submitting this story, from the get-go.
I am okay sharing my name and/or initials with the two story-collectors (Aida and Sarah), but no one else.
I am okay sharing my name and/or initials with Kelly’s pod, but not having it shared with anyone else.
I am okay with my name and/or initials being shared publicly.
How do you consent to your story being shared, if at all? *
I only want to be witnessed. I don’t want this story being shared or considered in any way other than in a venting capacity by the two story-collectors (Aida and Sarah),
I’m okay with the story being shared in its entirety, as I have shared it here.
I’m okay with the story being shared in snippets, but not the full text or the full story as I have shared it here.
I’m okay with the story being shared in a short summary, with no direct quotations from the story as I have shared it.
I’m okay with the story being shared only in aggregate — meaning no big specific details, but if the story-collectors do something like make a statement of impact, which may include information like “RM has harmed people in the industry at X events,” or “has hurt XYZ demographics” or “has impacted XYZ number of people,” and whatnot, we can include your story/experience when estimating/measuring impact. In this way, we may use your story to identify patterns of behavior across stories, but we would not be focusing on your specific story or sharing its details.
What name(s) would you like to go by? Please indicate here and specify if these are legal names, pseudonyms, initials, “anonymous,” etc. and in which settings to use which: *
Your answer
How would you like us to contact you if we have any clarifying questions or updates? *
Text
Phone Call
None
Other:
Please leave corresponding contact information related to the above question:
Your answer
Please give us any more details that may help us protect you information and privacy. (For example, if you’re okay with your name being shared publicly, but only under certain circumstances, let us know what those circumstances are.)
Your answer
Do you have any identities you’d like to note here, especially (but not solely) if you feel they impacted how you experienced your interactions with Reid? (We have listed various relevant and/or marginalized identities you may want to consider sharing)
Person of Color
Woman
Femme
Transgender/Nonbinary/Gender-nonconforming (or all 3!)
Disabled
Sex-worker
Immigrant
Older than Reid
Younger than Reid
Fat / Curvy / Plus-Sized Person
Intern / Volunteer / Student (for Reid himself, at an event where Reid was speaking, etc.)
Someone in a direct business relationship with Reid
Someone in an indirect business relationship with Reid (e.g. a retail shop staff-member where Reid was teaching a class, someone whose boss hired Reid for something, etc.)
Participant / Attendee (at one of Reid’s workshops, events, and/or programs)
Directly romantically and/or sexually entangled with Reid
Indirectly romantically and/or sexually entangled with Reid (e.g. partners with one of his partners, someone adjacent at a sex party, etc.)
Other:
Have you read the entirety of this document? *
Yes
No
Anything else you’d like us to know?
Your answer
SUBMIT
