But Enough About Me, What Do You Think of Me? Avoiding Conversational Self-Focus

For some people, everything is about them.

Here’s a conversation I had with a friend after sharing my breast cancer diagnosis (with enough details changed to protect confidentiality). Let’s say the friend’s name is Sharon:

Me: I have some bad news. I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Sharon: Oh no!

Me: We caught it early, so I’ll be alright, but the treatment is going to be —

Sharon (interrupts): — My great aunt had breast cancer.

Me: Yea, well, my treatment —

Sharon: — She was about my age.

Me:

Sharon: You know, I really should make an appointment to see my doctor.

As you can imagine, I did not find this conversation fulfilling.

Why would someone take over a conversation like this? What are they thinking? Don’t they realize that they’re jeopardizing their relationships when they do this?

These are the questions that Dr. Rebecca Schwartz-Mette of the University of Maine and I tackled in our research on how friends support (or don’t support) one another.

In our research laboratory, we observed pairs of friends talking about problems. In some pairs, one friend would consistently turn the conversation away from their friends’ problems and toward their own problems. We coined the term conversational self-focus for this behavior.

In a previous post (https://medium.com/@rosea_12953/do-you-want-better-relationships-choose-your-words-wisely-3a65ec9f015f), I discussed the critical importance of choosing words wisely in relationships and in conversations more generally. As I mentioned in that post, people who are difficult to be around often do not have bad intentions. For some people who self-focus in conversations, they may be struggling in their lives and are seeking social support.

In fact, in our research, we found:

• People who engage in conversational self-focus tend to be more depressed than people who don’t

• People who self-focus in conversations also ruminate, meaning they compulsively think about their problems and about feeling bad. According to research, many people who ruminate cannot stop thinking about their problems even when they try.

Knowing this, people who self-focus seem to be sympathetic characters. Unfortunately, though, their behavior is still aversive. In fact, even though people who self-focus in conversations may be greatly in need of social support, they are unlikely to get it. Our research indicates that if one friend consistently self-focuses in conversations, the other friend perceives the friendship less positively over time and even makes efforts to avoid the friend in person and on social media.

There are steps, though, to address conversational self-focus in relationships:

• Having an honest conversation is important. The other person might not realize they are dominating conversations in this way and deserve a chance to address it.

• Have clear boundaries about when and how long you will listen to the partner’s problems. Being on call for social support 24/7 is not good for mental health. We cannot help others if we do not take care of ourselves.

• Suggesting counseling might be helpful. People who are secure and content are unlikely to dominate conversations with talk about problems. Most likely, people who self-focus in conversations about problems are suffering.

In reading this post, some people will see a description that fits a partner, friend, or family member, but some people will see themselves. If so, take the same steps listed above. Be honest with yourself. Set boundaries about how much time you will spend talking about problems with family, friends, and romantic partners. Consider seeking help from a professional.

Finally, revisiting intentions is important. Feeling understood and supported are basic human needs that are met through close relationships. When these needs are not met, loneliness and eventually other mental health problems, including depression, can follow. Giving grace and compassion to someone who self-focuses, whether that is someone else or oneself, is an important step toward finding healthier ways of seeking support and building stronger relationships.