Do You Want Better Relationships? Choose Your Words Wisely

Getting along with others is more complicated than it may seem. Sometimes people are trying to do everything right, but their relationships are still rocky. This happens when people don’t recognize the importance of the exact words they choose to communicate their intentions.

These two couples illustrate this. In the first couple, Aaliyah and Andrew have a fight when Aaliyah brings up something that she is upset about. Andrew wants to make up and says, “I feel bad that our conversation became a fight. I think we can do better, want to try again?”

Likewise, Matin and Sarah have a fight when Martin brings up something he is upset about. Sarah also wants to make up and says, “Let’s just drop it, I don’t want us to fight about nothing.”

I can guarantee you that things went better for Aaliyah and Andrew than for Martin and Sarah.

The ironic part is that Andrew and Sarah both had good intentions. They both wanted to make up.

Andrew communicated this in an effective way. He didn’t say that he was wrong — or that she was wrong. Instead, he focused on the idea that they could communicate better. He also asked her to re-connect with him by trying the conversation again.

Sarah was less effective. She also communicated that she didn’t want to fight but conveyed that by saying they should “drop it” and not fight “about nothing.” To Martin, this almost certainly sounded like she was telling him to stop getting upset over things that aren’t important and to stop talking to her about it.

Sarah’s problem is that people can’t automatically know each other’s intentions, they only know the words they hear. When words aren’t chosen carefully and used effectively, conversations can take a serious downward spiral.

This happens any time we talk with others, not just during conflicts or fights. For instance, some people share their accomplishments in ways that make others happy for them, and other people share accomplishments in ways that come across as arrogant. As another example, some people seek support in ways that prompt friends and family to want to help, but others seem needy or hard to please when they seek support.

Choosing words wisely is critical in close relationships, such as with close friends, family, and spouses/partners. Don’t underestimate, though, the importance of the words that people choose in broader contexts. The specific words people use can influence whether they get a job or promotion, the discount on the car they buy, and many other outcomes in day-to-day life. In some ways, the specifics of how people express themselves is even more important in broader contexts because people outside their social circle know even less about their likely intensions behind their words.

In fact, in my research lab and others, social scientists have identified multiple ways that people express themselves that hurt more than help. Just a few of these include:

1. Conversational self-focus is when people consistently turn conversations back to themselves. People can self-focus on their own problems, accomplishments, or anything else in their lives. People usually find conversational self-focus off-putting and self-focusing often damages relationships. (see post, https://medium.com/@rosea_12953/but-enough-about-me-what-do-you-think-of-me-avoiding-conversational-self-focus-7c20fd04e9a0)

2. Excessive reassurance seeking is when someone persistently asking for reassurance that they need and valued. Excessive reassurance seeking is most common with romantic partners, but people can seek excessive reassurance in many contexts, including from friends, in the workplace, and even from acquaintances. People who seek reassurance excessively often do so because feel vulnerable or even unworthy. Unfortunately, excessive reassurance seeking can lead to relationship problems and even more self-doubt. (see post, https://medium.com/@rosea_12953/but-do-you-really-love-me-excessive-reassurance-seeking-1047720db411)

3. During arguments, people who stonewall often stare with arms crossed and a neutral-to-negative expression on their face. Stonewallers may not respond, even to direct questions. In fact, many people who stonewall get overstimulated physiologically during fights and are only trying to calm themselves down, but there is no way for the other person to know this.

7. Co-ruminators can talk about every detail of their problems — including revisiting them, speculating about them, and focusing on what about the problems made them feel bad. People who feel depressed are likely to co-ruminate, and co-ruminating often makes them more depressed. Co-ruminators can make the people who they are talking to more depressed too.

Additional posts in this series expand on these and other common, usually unintentional, word choices that hurt relationships. Tips are given for avoiding maladaptive ways of communicating and adopting more effective approaches. Tips also are given for communicating with people who regularly make maladaptive word choices.

Following these posts and tips can help relationships thrive, which makes everyday life much better.