A Cultural Dilemma: Asking and Giving Support in the Asian Male Community (Part I)
Andrew
I met Andrew (not his real name) at my previous employer when I was introduced to him as an informal mentor by my Director. I had seen Andrew around before — he was on the same floor as me for the past year. The most interactions we had were the conference calls and the occasional after-work elevator rides. He was one of the very few Asians at my company promoted to a Director in the past year — so I always knew he was an intelligent and high-achieving individual.
When we got to talking in his office, Andrew and I connected and resonated strongly with discussions from our parents, to career dissatisfaction, and even dating. What made this conversation different was when we both got on the topic of why my boss had made the introduction in the first place. She was the one who connected Andrew and me, because she felt that we both hailed from similar enough backgrounds and he’s walked a similar path to mine that could give me a sense of direction in my life: we were both Asian males with ambition, graduated from New York University, and shared many strong values.
And yet, if she never made the introduction, Andrew and I probably would have never spoken and connected — even though we were on the same floor, been on the same conference calls and elevator rides, and worked with the same people — for more than a year.
It occurred to the both of us that there were cultural barriers and negative experiences we have had in the past that shaped the way we interacted with Asian males in our community. Andrew felt many Asian males did not want nor seek out his guidance when he attempted to reach out to individuals — because of those interactions, he decided that it wasn’t worth his time to reach out unless someone was formally introduced to him and wanted his advice.
And for me, I was exactly on the other end and did not want advice from someone like him — I saw Andrew as a more competent version of me and I felt like a small player compared to him. In short, both of our experiences were the reasons we would have never found each other if it wasn’t for a chance encounter set up by my director.
So what exactly are some of these invisible barriers that made it difficult for Andrew and me to connect naturally?
Dilemma
From here on out, I want to share some raw thoughts and feelings about the invisible barriers I faced in the past. This was particularly difficult for me to reflect on, because I am not proud of my past actions and perspectives — but I hope this strikes a chord for readers who have felt a similar experience in their lives.
For many years, it was never in my nature to ask for help from my peers. A combination of a shame-driven culture with low self-esteem caused me to see most people as rivals, but even more so, Asian men as my biggest competitors aiming for the same goals as me: a prestigious academic program, a sought-after employment, or even simply a jealous game of dating.
I guess you can say I felt that people in the same race were easier to compare against, since many of us grew up with similar cultural norms of constant comparison and high expectations. It’s no wonder I naturally gravitated towards making friends who were non-Asian; I did not want to face the pressure of someone who was similar to me, but better than me.
“Did you hear about Kevin? Handsome, newly MBA graduated, and he has a lovely girlfriend. When are you going to do anything?”
“Wow — he’s working at Google? Good for him, I guess”, while I hold my jealousy and envy internally.
Comparisons of success caused me to stop dead in my tracks to ask for help and learn from others. My first thought went straight to how terrible I felt compared to them. And my second thought was envy — how could they be so much better than I am? The idea of asking for help or advice from them never crossed my mind.
Why should I be the one asking someone else for help? I’m not weak and I’m definitely not gonna show it. I can do this on my own and be better than them!
I didn’t feel comfortable acknowledging that I could learn from a peer — a few years younger or older, give and take. To me, I felt I was a loser to ask for advice or guidance from successful people. Especially people who are relatively in the same stature as me — similar backgrounds, upbringing, etc. Looking back, it was a toxic mindset that was personally holding me back from developing strong relationships with relatable people in my Asian community as well as taking opportunities to have strong mentors who could have provided me tremendous support back then and in the future.
I found it ironic that the Asian guys who were most similar to me in their experiences, values, and goals were the ones that I pushed away the most. When in fact, they could have been one of the best sources of people to turn to when I needed guidance and direction. At the same time, I also did not feel compelled to help out other Asian men who might have benefitted from my experiences and network — this was another example of how my toxic comparison beliefs stamped out a much needed support system in our community.
I wanted to keep my vast knowledge, experiences, and resources to myself or my immediate friends I already had — I was unwilling to share it with other random Asian men who were asking for help. Seeing so many Asian males in successful ventures — be it high income or superior companies — I felt that there was no incentive for me to bring another Asian male that will only become another competitor in my space. This cycle of toxic comparison and unwillingness to reach out and bring up Asian peers contributes to the larger issue of the lack of a healthy and supportive community.
I realized this pattern of not asking for or giving out guidance to my peers tormented me — I grew up with these negative beliefs, saw the adverse cycle that took place, and yet, partook in the process of making our Asian community less unified and accessible. The two questions that came out of my own realization were:
How many successful, relatable Asian mentors have I missed out on connecting with due to my negative outlook on our relationships?
How many people in my community could I have given guidance and mentorship if I actually took the time and opportunity to help someone who is similar to me?
Self-Reflection
For me, the answer is many. There were many relationships I failed to start or keep due to my negative outlooks with men who resembled me the most. I was definitely a part of the negativity that hindered other Asian males from seeking guidance from our community or taking actions in giving back to the Asian male community. I want to be able to end that stigma. Over the last couple years, I want to say that I have embraced my flaws and reached out to my Asian brothers who can enlighten me on my weaknesses. It’s been an incredibly humbling experience to give recognition to my Asian peers who don’t often hear compliments from our “high standards” community. It’s always a good feeling when you can make someone feel great and you learn something new in the process.
Giving back is more difficult, but it’s the main reason why I started writing about my own personal experiences (“What Does it Mean to be an Asian Male Today?”) that hopefully can resonate with people. I want to ask you the questions that I asked myself when I reflect on my own actions that have affected the Asian male community around me. I want them to be hard-hitting and difficult to answer because it took time for me to accept the flaws I had in my character. Just like my first article, I want to end this article with the same questions I asked myself above with a twist:
How many successful, relatable Asian mentors have you missed out on connecting with due to your negative outlook on your relationships?
How many people in our community could you have given guidance and mentorship if you actually took the time and opportunity to help someone who is similar to you?
Be honest with yourself. And if it’s a hard answer to accept, it’s okay — it was tough for me to swallow. The beautiful part about learning more about ourselves is we can always improve and be better next time around. If you would like to share your story or thoughts with me, please feel free to email me or post in the comments. I would love to hear your feedback!
Stay tuned for Part II, where I’ll be sharing my personal perspective on how we can embrace different outlooks and values for a more positive cycle in the Asian male community!
