Forty chickens, forty days, forty conflicting feelings in my loins — Introduction: The internet has discovered a new icon of our modern age: the Philadelphia Rotisserie Chicken Man. After mysterious signs popped up around the city inviting people to watch an unknown man consume an entire rotisserie chicken for the fortieth day in a row at an abandoned pier near Walmart…

Gather ‘round, children! It’s time for a story. I know many of you have been worried about school shootings lately. I understand, but grownups have decided it’s okay for a few kids to die every year so long as their guns are safe, and you know grownups are always right…

Pharaoh will surely rethink things when the gluten intolerance hits! — Hairs in everyone’s soup Angels play “I’m not touching you!” with Egyptian soldiers for 24 hours straight Everyone turns into pillars of salt but no one turns into pepper Menstruation for everyone! The sun goes away and then comes back again over and over and it’s really annoying, especially because…

Be on the cutting (and bombing and crushing) edge of fashion — Hey, all you stylish ladies! It’s a crazy world right now. Things are heating up in conflict zones around the globe, various countries are on literal fire, and we may be heading for the hottest event of the millennium — nuclear war! That means one thing: It’s tank season. No…

No More Sea Shanties. — Dear Captain Gregg, My friends think that having a hot sea captain haunting my cottage is “romantic,” but I’m afraid I’m a more practical sort. Can you please move on to your afterlife? When I signed the lease I was not informed of any other tenants. …

Scene I. A cavern. In the middle, a Chemex. — Thunder. Enter the three Witches First Witch Thrice the phone alarm hath mew’d. Second Witch Thrice and once the hipster whined. Third Witch Drinker cries ’Tis time, ’tis time. First Witch Round about the Chemex go; In the grinder coffee throw, Beans that on your scale weigh Grams of fifty for today. Weigh the water…

Caught in the perpetual cycle of wanting to look like a damn adult on Halloween while also celebrating your body before the cold hand of time ravages your youth, beauty, and relatively taut skin? Fear not! …

We all know who the real victim is here — Dear The Public, It’s me. Harvey Weinstein’s money. I realize I’m not a sympathetic figure at the moment. That’s the media for you — always pushing one side of the narrative without thinking about the innocent victims who get hurt along the way. …