Gather ‘round, children! It’s time for a story.

I know many of you have been worried about school shootings lately. I understand, but grownups have decided it’s okay for a few kids to die every year so long as their guns are safe, and you know grownups are always right. You’ll just have to learn how to protect yourselves from bad men with guns. I know you’re only six years old, but I believe in you.

Lots of schools are helping their students get ready for bad men who want to kill them. Remember when we blocked the classroom door…


Pharaoh will surely rethink things when the gluten intolerance hits!

Thus says the LORD, “There are no bad ideas when brainstorming”
  • Hairs in everyone’s soup
  • Angels play “I’m not touching you!” with Egyptian soldiers for 24 hours straight
  • Everyone turns into pillars of salt but no one turns into pepper
  • Menstruation for everyone!
  • The sun goes away and then comes back again over and over and it’s really annoying, especially because God keeps saying “Ta-Da!” every time it reappears
  • The plague of extra-sweaty handshakes
  • God says “Well, actually…” whenever an Egyptian man speaks
  • Everyone forgets how to spell “Pharaoh”
  • Sudden onset gluten intolerance
  • The plague of close-talking
  • Suddenly all hieroglyphics looks like dicks
  • Every time you swear there’s a child there…


Be on the cutting (and bombing and crushing) edge of fashion

Hey, all you stylish ladies! It’s a crazy world right now. Things are heating up in conflict zones around the globe, various countries are on literal fire, and we may be heading for the hottest event of the millennium — nuclear war!

That means one thing: It’s tank season.

No, not that kind of tank.


No More Sea Shanties.

underneath my perfect eyebrows, my closed eyes can still feel you watching me sleep.

Dear Captain Gregg,

My friends think that having a hot sea captain haunting my cottage is “romantic,” but I’m afraid I’m a more practical sort. Can you please move on to your afterlife? When I signed the lease I was not informed of any other tenants. If I wanted a roommate, I would have looked on Craigslist.

If you refuse to “pass on” or whatever you ghost people call it, I must make the following requests:

  1. Stop blowing my windows open. This is not only rude, but very hard on the glass, and you’re scaring my dog.
  2. Stop watching me…


Scene I. A cavern. In the middle, a Chemex.

My sisters, let us craft a fancy brew / Our breakfast drinks will be elitist, too!

Thunder. Enter the three Witches

First Witch
Thrice the phone alarm hath mew’d.

Second Witch
Thrice and once the hipster whined.

Third Witch
Drinker cries ’Tis time, ’tis time.

First Witch
Round about the Chemex go;
In the grinder coffee throw,
Beans that on your scale weigh
Grams of fifty for today.
Weigh the water ‘fore the pour,
Seven hundred grams, no more.

ALL
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and kettle bubble.

Second Witch
Boil in gooseneck kettle now;
Two-oh-five degrees allow.
Add the filter to the pot;
Pour the beans in filter slot.
Water spill on grounds so fine;
Coffee bloom will be…


“How can I use my cleavage to draw attention to important sociopolitical issues?”

Caught in the perpetual cycle of wanting to look like a damn adult on Halloween while also celebrating your body before the cold hand of time ravages your youth, beauty, and relatively taut skin? Fear not! Here are six Halloween costumes that will show off your best assets while giving you plausible deniability about your motivations.

Hurricane Irma

Who’s that lady blasting through the party like it’s Florida during hurricane season? Must be you, in your homemade Hurricane Irma outfit. Decorate a leotard with cotton balls in a spiral pattern and pair with ripped fishnet stockings to represent the toll…


We all know who the real victim is here

Dear The Public,

It’s me. Harvey Weinstein’s money.

You can trust this face

I realize I’m not a sympathetic figure at the moment. That’s the media for you — always pushing one side of the narrative without thinking about the innocent victims who get hurt along the way. Well, today I’m here to set the record straight about the true victim of these recent allegations of sexual assault.

Me.

I was born years ago, when Harvey founded the independent film distribution company Miramax. I started as a pitiful handful of dollars and quickly grew after the company launched films like Good Will Hunting, Shakespeare in…

Sarah Hawley

Writer, former archaeologist, colorful sock enthusiast || Contributor: The Belladonna, Slackjaw, Points in Case || Co-host: The Wicked Wallflowers Club podcast

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