Will Florida be an early election bellwether? Or will it crack under pressure? This fun new musical production tries to find out!
“Americans may know who won Florida before they go to bed on election night.” NPR News, October 31, 2020
Coming soon, don’t miss the new musical critics are calling “a real surprise,” “about damn time,” and “capable of causing PTSD flashbacks to 2000.” Florida! A Redemption Story premieres November 3rd on every broadcast network and will have audiences on the edge of their seats screaming, “Come on, Florida!”
Roberta goes to the grocery store for 8 items. There are 12 aisles that have been marked as one way. Roberta obeys the arrows but no one else does. Solve for the number of times Roberta says “Sorry” even though she’s the one following directions.
Margaret works from home and lives with her 2 children whose universities have gone remote-only. If one of her children does online classes in the kitchen, and the other does them in the living room, and God, Mom, can you stop making so much noise, calculate the cost of turning her bathroom into an office…
“Welcome, friends! I’m glad you could join me, Mister Rogers, for The National Dog Show. I’m thankful for you today! The network wanted to attract younger viewers, so I’m your celebrity announcer here with my new friend, George Carlin.”
“I bring the hippies and you bring the dippies, Fred. Can I call you Fred?”
“Sure you can, George. I like being your friend. You can call me anything you’d like.”
Thanks so much for coming to Amagansett for a family dinner. Remember we used to do this every Sunday? Back before I started telling people you were dead? Those were the days.
Listen, I know it’s been a busy week, what with everyone finding out you’re alive. Think about how tough it has been for me! Coworkers who sent flowers for the funerals now want to be reimbursed. How crazy is that?! People can be so nitpicky.
I know what you’re thinking: “Dan, is all that stuff in the article true? Did you really leave cups of pee in your…
Thank you for your interest in fostering a low-level congressional staff member! Well over 20 House incumbents have suddenly lost their jobs, leaving hundreds of aides, assistants, project coordinators and coffee-fetchers with nowhere to go.
As you can imagine, this is a very difficult and confusing time for them. Our goal is to rehabilitate these junior staffers and get them adopted into forever families back in their home districts.
We believe there is no such thing as a bad congressional aide, only a poorly trained one!
For the first few days, staffers will be anxious and feel uncertain about the…
The Nobel Prize for Psychics, and other fun additions!
Here at the Nobel Prize Committee, we’ve been giving out prizes since 1901 and admittedly, we’re a little slow to change. But this year, we decided to take a page from the people who do the Oscars and expand our categories to make ourselves trendy! (Or as we say over here in Scandinavia, trendig!) Also, we’re really hoping these new prizes will help you forget that we aren’t handing out a literature award this year because of that whole sordid sexual assault scandal. So, check out our new, fun categories!
Following unexpected personnel changes at the CDC, I’m pleased to announce that I, Grandma, have taken control as interim director. Am I qualified to run the CDC? Hell, I’m 95-years-old and healthy as a horse. Of course, I’m qualified! And guess what? I’m making some changes.
Effective immediately, the following are considered the nation’s most pressing health issues:
- Walking around barefoot.
- Not zipping your jacket.
- Wearing shorts in the winter. What is wrong with you kids today, anyway?
- Going out of the house with wet hair. It’s how you catch your death of pneumonia.
Is there really music for every occasion? Because these playlists never caught on.
Saturday Afternoon Jail Visitation Jam: No belt, no hat, no problem.
The Gerbil Got Out Again? Search the House with Songs that Bring Down the House!
Raise the Roof While Cleaning the Gutters!
Acoustic Anxiety over What to Make for Dinner.
The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round and Please Don’t tell Daddy about “Uncle” Ken’s Visits, Okay Kids?
Bank Heist Shuffle: Put on a Mask and Bust a Move!
Unplugged and Unemployed.
Music for Picking Up Trash along the Highway for your Court-Mandated Community…
So, it’s like with Tino’s band, right? I mean, everyone calls it Tino’s band. Someone will be like, “What are you doing Friday?” and everyone is like, “Going to see Tino’s band.”
But we’re not just Tino’s band. We’re, like, our own band. Like a whole, actual, real band. And we have a name, you know? We’re the Frozen Embryos. Not “Tino’s band.” But no one thinks about us that way, even though we’ve ALWAYS had our own name. You tell people but they’re all like, “Yeah, Tino’s band, duh.” I mean, no one really gets it, you know?
On Monday, millions of Americans will be traveling toward/away from something not seen in a lifetime. While the The Event is sure to be spectacular, it’s important to prepare ahead. Here are some tips to make it an Event to end all Events!
First off, you’ll want to position yourself in the zone of eclipse totality/away from the range of ICBMs launched by Pyongyang, so pick a location in advance. Avoid major cities, if possible. Instead, don those cute cowboy boots you bought in Aspen and head out to an open area, perhaps with a bluff that you can climb/hide…