Everything we say and do has an impact. With a single word, we can make or break relationships. In my last post, I talked about the importance of empathy. However, we can’t always think through and plan every word we say. What if we are under stress and just start talking? Today, I want to discuss an insight that has helped me to be more mindful and build high-quality relationships over the years. It’s the ability to take a brief pause before (re-)acting. Where does this ability come from, and how can we learn it? Let’s talk about almonds and CEOs.
Reflecting on Past Experiences
When I think back to my university years and early work experiences, I often wish I could take back certain words — whether within the family, among friends, or with colleagues. It’s often too late when you realize the consequences of what you said. Although I’m not an impulsive person and haven’t ruined any relationships through heated conversations, I have hurt people important to me. There were those insignificant things, like harshly criticizing a colleague who was doing his best, or emotionally commenting on a friend’s life decision, which were beyond my understanding. It was this family member who got most of my frustration and anger, although they are the least to blame, but unfortunately, they are the closest ones. As an emotional person, I still think back to such cases. I listend to my gut, my instincts. I haven’t really thought about my words. Instincts are good, but we shouldn’t always follow them. If we want to understand how we react in everyday life, we need to get to know the emotional and rational sides of our brain. So, let’s cut our brains open and look inside.
The Almond Inside
Deep in the center of our brain, lies the amygdala. In university, I was told that it looks like a small almond. To be honest, I have never seen an almond in the pictures. Amygdala is the center of our emotional reactions, playing a crucial role in processing emotions, particularly fear and pleasure. When we perceive a threat, the amygdala activates instantly, triggering a fight-or-flight response. This evolutionary mechanism prepares our body either to face danger or to flee from it, enhancing our chances of survival. Remember the famous video of the gazelle running from cheetah? Like an alarm system, the amygdala activated gazelle’s survival instinct as it spotted a cheetah, triggering “let’s get out of this” reaction.
For most of us, or at least in most parts of the world, we don’t have to deal with cheetahs on our way to work anymore. However, we still face emotional situations, especially when we are stressed. It can be an argument at home, a busy schedule at work, or the wrong order in your favorite café. We either feel like punching someone or escaping the situation as fast as possible. Thanks to a few years of evolution, people don’t usually slap cashiers or coworkers do karate moves at the annual meeting. Why not, actually?
Meet the CEO: The Prefrontal Cortex
Seriously, why not? (Most) humans have a more evolved brain structure, notably the prefrontal cortex, which animals lack to the same degree of complexity and functionality. It plays a pivotal role in rational thinking, decision-making, and moderating social behavior. Side note: The prefrontal cortex was one of the few parts of the brain that was easy to locate during studies. It’s exactly at the front of your head. Close your eyes, switch on the light, and look above. Say hello to the bottom of your prefrontal cortex. Once, I read a reference to it as the brain’s CEO. The prefrontal cortex allows us to assess situations more thoroughly and consider long-term consequences rather than just immediate reactions. It acts as a counterpart to the amygdala, providing a more thoughtful approach to potential threats. Instead of a Fight Club in the office or Starbucks, we can opt for more measured responses, like ̶r̶o̶u̶n̶d̶h̶o̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶k̶i̶c̶k̶ talking to people or filing a complaint to HR.
The prefrontal cortex allows us to override our initial fight-or-flight response, enabling us to pause, evaluate the situation, and consider alternative actions. Your fire alarm might go off at the first sign of danger, but you can determine whether it’s a false alarm or a real emergency, preventing unnecessary panic. This capacity for a delayed response is, in my opinion, one of our major achievements. Interesting insight here: neuroscientist Antonio Damasio worked with patients who had damaged prefrontal cortices (had to google how to spell the plural form). He revealed that these individuals often struggle with decision-making and emotional regulation, underscoring the critical role this brain region plays in our daily lives. Amazing, right? I remember how our professor once told us that, when things seem hard to understand, we need to imagine how different the world would be, if they didn’t exist at all.
To summarize, we have two ways of thinking: the quick, “fight-and-flight” response and the more deliberate “think-and-decide-what-to-do-next” approach. I remember reading Daniel Kahneman’s “Thinking, Fast and Slow”. He illustrated the topic using dual systems of thought: System 1, which is fast, automatic, and emotional, and System 2, which is slow, deliberate, and logical.
Count to Three
Reflecting on my own life, I learned to control my reactions by consciously counting to three in emotional situations like heated conversations. The pause I gained — consciously slowing down and starting a countdown — often helped me override my initial impulse. Think of a road where cars go smoothly from one side to the other. You want to interrupt this flow for a moment. You install a traffic light. When the cars come from the left, you switch the light to red, wait briefly, then to yellow, and finally back to green. The same applies to the flow of your thoughts and reactions. You can choose to let them go freely or put up your own traffic lights to control them.
The Capacitor Analogy
Later in my studies, I also learned about the capacitor in electrical engineering. This is not exactly how it works, but to give you an idea, imagine two metal plates with a little space between them. There’s something in the middle that doesn’t let electricity pass through. A capacitor is like a battery that holds energy. When you give it some power, the plates get charged up separately and only release it when they’re hooked up to something else. In a similar way, I visualized installing a capacitor in my brain. When I perceive a reaction on one side, I first collect the charge — emotions, energy — before forwarding it to the opposing “reaction” side. This gap allows me to pause and reflect, often preventing conflicts, problems, stress, or impulsive orders on Amazon’s Cyber Week.
Your Takeaway
Remember that every word and action have potential consequences. While spontaneous, gut-driven decisions are sometimes necessary, more significant, or sensitive issues deserve a thoughtful approach. In moments of stress or heated conversations, consciously take a brief pause. Count to three in your mind to allow your prefrontal cortex time to evaluate the situation. If helpful, visualize mental pictures like a traffic light, a capacitor or create your own CEO. Use these concepts to regulate your reactions by creating a moment of reflection before responding.
Conclusion
Learning to pause before reacting is crucial not only for building and maintaining high-quality relationships but also for leading a more thoughtful life. I don’t want to go too deep into this, but I believe that making this small effort can significantly enhance how we live. In my last article, I discussed switching your perspective to consider other people’s viewpoints. In this piece, I’m not even asking you to switch perspectives but simply to gain better insights into your own ways of acting and reacting.
By understanding the interplay between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex, or simply how our brain works, we can better manage our responses. For me, this realization was both fascinating and liberating. It made me see that we’re not just like a pendulum swinging back and forth between action and reaction. We have the power to choose our responses. In fact, I would even say that it’s our responsibility as good humans to pause and think before reacting in our everyday lives (except, of course, if you see a cheetah — then don’t think too long).
This mindful approach not only helps us avoid unnecessary conflicts but also enriches our interactions with those around us. And if you are still skeptical, wondering “Why should we care?”, fine. Consider that practicing this pause can also improve your mental health. And the best part? It takes three seconds.
Sergey
Reflection on my writing experience
If you enjoy my writing, keep reading. Otherwise, the main article ends here. In the following, I share some thoughts on the feedback I received from people who read my article, as well as personal insights on how to improve my writing.
How do I get ready? I need to find time for writing. Sometimes I must choose between watching another episode on Netflix or writing on Medium. It seems like my best ideas pop up when I also feel like binge-watching.
How do I write? My family and friends tell me that my posts are more real and better when I include personal stories or situations. I think they’re right. But it’s hard to leave my comfort zone and write about my own thoughts, let alone my personal life — but I guess that’s how I can learn from it.
How do I post on Medium? I read in an article that to improve my writing and get more feedback on Medium, I should post 3–4 times a week. As a dad of two with a full-time job, there are weeks when I don’t even shower that much. Just kidding — but I agree that I should practice writing more concisely and for example, “The tale on 6’s, 9’s” could have been two parts. In general, I want to write more often to get more experience.
