“The Non-Binary Flag was created by Kyle Rowan in 2014. The four horizontal stripes of the colors- yellow, white, purple, and black are symbolic for Non-Binary peoples’ experience. This flag was not created with the intention to replace the Genderqueer flag, but to be flown alongside it.” — Wikimedia Commons, 2014. See colour meanings on the University of Northern Colorado webpage.

Beyond pronouns and clothes: What being non-binary means for me

The first person to call me “they” was my lifelong friend and long-time lesbian mentor.

When I told her I was considering the switch from she/her to they/them, she played out a scenario where she was introducing me to someone new.

“This is my friend Shelby! They are very cool.”

I didn’t know it at the time, but the feeling I got was called “gender euphoria,” a phrase which means to feel “right” in one’s gender.

It is the feeling I get now when I wear masculine clothes and bind my breasts. It was the tears of joy that streamed down my face when I saw my hair cut short for the first time. It is smiling at a picture of myself where my outside matches how I feel inside, fearless and free.

I’ve seen gender euphoria before. I was there when my trans friend saw herself in makeup for the first time. The way she looked at herself in the mirror and said “I’m so beautiful” was unlike anything I had ever seen. The movie Fanfic also does an excellent portrayal of this for a trans boy. This experience, while not widely studied, is real and empowering.

I came out as non-binary at age 32. Before, I did not have the language to describe how wearing too much makeup makes me feel like a clown, or wearing dresses makes me feel like I’m in a costume. Though I’ve grown up around boys and tend to like boyish things I’ve always known, much like Éowyn from Lord of the Rings, I am no man.

The discomfort of presenting as a gender that you are not is called “gender dysphoria.” It can cause significant distress, that over time can become intolerable. It erodes self-esteem, as does any behaviour that denies us the right to be our true selves.

Since I’ve switched to “they/them” I see myself in a whole new light. I am stronger in the face of adversity. I no longer feel the need to make myself littler for others—at 5' 2" I’m little enough already.

Admittedly, whenever someone misgenders me it is a bit jarring. However, I understand that introducing a gender-neutral pronoun into people’s everyday language comes with a bit of practice at best and resistance at worst.

So, I don’t let it bother me. And, I don’t insist upon being referred to in a gender-neutral way at all times because—

I didn’t escape one box to jump into another

In my experience of being non-binary, I considered at first labelling myself “demigirl”, which is why I wrote this little piece: “I’m a demigirl. Here’s what that means”.

At the time, I was feeling particularly euphoric. I had finally found this word and culture that described my experience.

These days, I identify more closely with butch lesbians. For me, my gender came before my sexuality. But I had to find one in order to find the other.

I also wrote that post before I really understood or accepted the fluidity of gender. As with much of the Western world, I was brainwashed to believe that once you found your gender expression that was it. I still believed too much in categorization to internalize the concept of gender in flux.

“Non-binary” is a broad term to describe genders that exist outside the gender binary. Although it is valid to identify with a category that falls under the non-binary umbrella, it is also a person’s right to change the language they use to describe themselves.

There are no actual rules that say, “due to being non-binary, my pronouns must be they/them.” We do not actually have to go by gender-neutral identifiers at all times, although some may prefer that.

At first, I was looking up the gender-neutral equivalent to every identifier, but I did not find one that would substitute the feeling of my dad calling me his “favourite daughter” (I’m his only daughter) or my nieces calling me “aunty.”

So, I’d like to keep those. But, I do think of myself as a “pretty dude” some days. And after a trip to the barber, I may shoot finger guns at myself in the mirror and go, “King, King.” If I ever become a parent, I think I’d like my kids to call me “dad.”

Sometimes I exhibit feminine traits, other times I am more masculine, but I am always non-binary.

The world may still judge me as a female. They may still expect me to act as a woman. But, existing on the side of truth means that no one can take it away from me. If they don’t like how I dress or identify, it doesn’t matter.

I can’t change the opinions of others. I can only control my actions. I can choose to live twisting myself into a version that will be comfortable for everyone else—or I can choose to be my whole self, and let the people who respect me stay and the rest can go.

There is no shortage of good people in this world, but self-respect and dignity is finite. I’m the only one who governs this body. The only person who has to be good with me is me.

With the self-esteem I gain from performing as my true gender, I can be my best self and serve my community. It is not just words, pronouns, and clothes. It is not about creating a new box that fits only myself—it is about breaking free from boxes altogether and creating a safety net for others to do the same.

Further resources

I am still learning about gender identity and the queer experience. If you would like to learn with me, check out these wonderful resources online. As always, I won’t leave too many so you don’t get overwhelmed:

I shouldn’t have to ‘look’ non-binary for my identity to be respected — an insightful first-person article by Julia Wright for CBC News.

Understanding Nonbinary People: How to Be Respectful and Supportive — a quick reference explaining gender queerness, with an emphasis on enbies.

Why pronouns matter — I saw this in someone’s email signature and thought it was a lovely resource. It gives examples of different pronouns, and introduced me to the concept of using no pronouns at all.

Thank you for reading.