Stroke — Reboot. Chapter 7.
“Today, I want you to think about all that you are, instead of all that you are not.”
SO going on this piece of advice, today I am a dancer. I go to my Zuma class and give it my all. I throw my body around to the beat of the music, shaking my maracas in the air like I just don’t care. I wiggle my overweight hips as if the survival of humanity is dependent on it. My Cheshire cat smile is an unconscious response to all that my body is doing for me and I delight in hearing my heart happily thumping away from the exercise I gain from it. For today, I have a heart that is no longer burdened, overworked and compromised by having a congenital hole. I am reassured by my cardiac doctor, after having the ASD closed; that I now have a “normal, happy heart”. Today, I can dance freely with no fear of it clanking out on me suddenly. I dance with joy in my heart and thankfulness of all that I am. Alive and back in my body. I give thanks to the Almighty.
But if you happen to look through the glass doors into the Zumba studio when I’m there, you won’t see a “dancer”. What will you see; is me standing in the back of the studio jumping around, completely off the beat of the music, wildly throwing my hands into the air when everyone else’s arms are down and me looking like I’ve stumbled in drunk from a night out on the tiles! But to me it’s enough that I am there, “dancing.”
For you see, in 2016 I was to suffer a stroke in my late 30’s. My stroke made me suffer from dizziness. I felt embarrassed and ashamed by my Stroke and couldn’t accept what had happened to me. To me it was a “stupid stroke”, I hated it and what it had done to my mind and my body.
But, today, nearly 3 years on from the stroke, I am a Zumba dancer, who still happens to fall over occasionally. One time in class a couple of weeks ago, I attempted to turn around too quickly, which resulted in me losing my balance and falling over. As I lay on the floor, I chose to laugh at myself, despite the dizziness whirling around inside of me. This is my new way of living and I’m proud to say I am no longer afraid of it. Back in 2017, I went to a Yoga class shortly after having had the stroke. I wibbled and wobbled so badly and when I fell over in the Yoga class, I walked out, utterly ashamed, embarrassed, and frustrated that I wasn’t good at Yoga anymore. Now, I no longer care if I’m perceived to be good by other people’s standards. I have a new benchmark that is my own to go by.
Today — I’m also still trying to be a yogi, stretching out my body in a hot yoga studio. The instructor has to sometimes personally help and guide me into easier and gentler postures that I struggle to get into. The Postures that I could once move into with ease and grace in my twenties and thirties are little more than a distant memory to me now. Today, in Yoga practice, my breathe is shallow and awkward; out of step with the flow of the movements.
In the past, my body may have been strong and supple, but it was my mind that was weak. I am not strong and supple anymore. However, what I am now; is someone who has been humbled, taking on a newfound respect of being alive that my stroke gave me — stronger in myself. In order to be truly healed, I had to break completely. But I would rather be this person who struggles with my balance and co-ordination; over one with a nimble body but it coming with a self-absorbed mind full of fear and doubt. By not being the perfect Yogi, I am so much more aware of my body and accepting of its limitations.
I am mentally stronger than I have ever known myself to be today because of the suffering that was caused by my Stroke. It’s taken me nearly 3 years to come to terms with it, but today I am the more patient for it and gentler on myself and others.
SO today — I thank God for all that I am, leaving behind the sadness and existential questioning of why am I not of the things that I want to be? I have had to let go of the idea of the life that I thought I would be living now, instead, finding joy in the path that Almighty has now set me upon. And there’s still so much that “I Am” and that I still can be, despite my life-changing event.
For today, what I am not is a mother (yet). I am not thin. I am no longer a working nurse, but then again — come to think of it I am not a lottery winner either……..the list could go on. But this is not important, as to what I am; I am an eccentric soul, searching to live my life to the fullest, in the most joyful, kindest way possible after being given a nasty blow in life. I now recognise that I have a unique opportunity to have the chance to begin again. I was broken — but now I am healed.
Additionally, I am; a wife, a daughter, a sister, sister in law, an Auntie to 3 spectacular nephews, a cousin, a niece, a friend, a Godmother, a Christian, a survivor of a Stroke that brought me to my knees in 2016; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. All these nouns meld together into one colourful identity that helps to make up me being me. I am a stroke survivor that has, with a lot of support and help, been able to put myself back together again; now slowly beginning to dance again, albeit to the beat of a new, alternative drumbeat.
I take comfort in that I am living a wondrous life; even if it’s a different life to the one that I thought I would be living now. It may even move me on again, to a future brighter than I’d ever thought possible. I’m ashamed to say that my life before was one of complacency and privilege; mixed with a healthy dose of fear, self-loathing and doubt. It is only now after having my life “ruined” by my Stroke, that I have been transformed into something new. Like a butterfly emerging from the dark depths of my chrysalis, I now float through the dawn of a new warm day — grateful, humbler, at peace with myself and accepting of the life that I was given to live.
Now please excuse me — I’m off to dance to the beat of my own magical, mystical drumbeat of life!
- Photo credit: Justin Docanto, Unsplash
If you need a recap on my story so far, you can read all of my other posts by clicking the links below:
