I was on page 35 in Vagabonding by Rolf Potts. And before I could finish it, I had to place the book down on my coffee table. I looked up around my studio apartment. And, a stream of consciousness flowed through my brain like an unstable dam failing to keep water at bay.
I’m in debt. It sucks.
It’s a state of borrowing from the future and spending it for the present. It means I owe money or time to my future self. And, it’s a cycle that keeps repeating.
Work hard. Make money. Pay rent and bill. Buy stuff. Work harder. Make more money. Pay off more rent, bills and stuff.
The worst thing of all is that I was sitting on an avocado green sofa from Ikea. Ikea, I love you and all. It’s not you and your Sivik Green Corner Sofa. It’s a great sofa. It’s was me.
This was nine months ago. I decided to quit my job and go travel.
I’m not a life coach. Don’t take my advice. I’m not telling how to live your life.
I’m having a hard time figuring out mine. And since I’m a “strike the iron while it’s hot” kind of person, I must document this as I go.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
I stared at that sofa. It was Saturday at 11 AM in Chicago. I held a hot cup of coffee in my right hand and Vagabonding in my left. A series of question poured through me like a coffee addict who drank one too many cups:
- Why am I thinking about work so often?
- Why do I pick up side projects?
- Why am I buying a lot of stuff I don’t need?
- Why am I pay rent to house all my stuff?
- Why am I doing?
- Do I feel successful?
- Do I feel happy?
- What’s my purpose?
Yes, I get scared at irrational times. And, I over think. It’s a terrible combination. I pulled out the letter I wrote to myself years back. There was one theme in the letter: travel, travel, travel.
After doing an audit of my life, I realized that I was far from what I set out to do. Damn, it sucks when you admit you’re not living up to your own words. I’ve spent my time focused on work, working out, going out, and paying for stuff to live in the city.
I guess there was a lot of pleasure doing all that. I hid behind it. I subconsciously avoided what I was working towards. “I don’t know” was a placeholder. Busyness became glorified procrastination. Doing replaced being.
I hit the Internet and searched for travel opportunities. Of course, I procrastinated as long as I could. I got stressed, tired, and fell asleep. I didn’t think much of this day. Then, weeks passed by.
Turns out, that Saturday was more important than I thought. Less than a month later, Remote Year reached out for an interview. What’s that? Oh yeah, it was one of those companies I looked up on that Saturday. They promise a chance to travel to twelve countries in a year, with seventy-five people. They cover housing, travel and a workspace.
I dismissed the probability of doing this like the iPhone emoji, 🙅🏻♂️.
Doubt crept in and I thought, “why would I leave a career behind, how am I going to pay for all this, what if I regret my decison, and what if I get into more debt?”
It was like being two completely opposite people. The Saturday guy who dreamt of living the life he wanted. And the everyday guy who retired his daydreams to work during the daytime.
Fast forward, I’m editing this post in Kuala Lumpar, Malaysia. I quit my job. But, I have this conviction to write and document all this down. It’s for that Saturday ‘Tan’ who was freaking out nine months ago.
Looking back, I can see why I freaked out about that avocado green sofa. I had time to be alone with my thoughts. I pondered about where my life is heading. And once I’ve spent enough time doing this, I’d reach the same conclusion as most people. You’re going to die one day.
That’s why I should care about where life is heading. I’m going to die.
You hear many people say it, from Gary Vaynerchuck to Mark Manson.
But the moment I understood it emotionally — not just intellectually — it punched me in the face. Like everyone, I got lazy and procrastinate. I worked more. Picked up a side hustle. I let being busy make me feel productive. But I let productivity distract me from doing things I should care about in life. I got caught up in working hard for my future self. And, I always felt behind.
And every once in a while you think again, “you’re going to die one day.”
That short sentence reminds me to work hard for my past self. Do things. Make things. Be the person who inspires your eight year-old self. Maybe that’s how I can feel ahead. It made me focus on what’s important to me. It helped me drown out other people’s narrative of what I should be doing with my life.
Derek Sivers’ and Tim Ferriss’ talk about effectiveness versus efficiency: do the right things over doing it well. Scratch that, do both. Spend a lot of time doing what’s right for you. I don’t know you. I have a hard time know what I want. But you know the answers. I knew I wanted to travel and build my own community.
I’m glad I sobered up from that day. The only difference today is I’m filling my time with more doing than thinking. I hope my one random Saturday story gives you permission to change your status quo.
Thank you Angel Alvarez, Gabi Browne, Geoffrey Mark, Ginny Sullivan and Thao Nguyen for giving me feedback on my three part post. I wouldn’t have published this without your feedback.
You can find all three posts here:
Part 1: The Past | Hungover from 2016
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🙏 for reading!
