This is a letter I wrote to a family therapist (JT) who my mother and I saw off and on for close to a year while trying to repair the relationship between myself, my mother, and my 6 siblings (my two sisters occasionally attended sessions).
I’m sharing this here in an attempt to educate other well-meaning therapists on the harm caused by Charming Bullies (covert narcissists) who are able to fool the therapist with their dangerous manipulations.
My mother was 92 at the time of therapy. She came across as a sweet little old lady, but she is the classic wolf in sheep’s clothing. I could call her out on a lie in the middle of a session, and the therapist would consistently let it go. I, on the other hand, got called out every time I raised my voice or swore, but my mother got a pass for gaslighting me with every sentence: “You know I love you.”, “I said I was sorry.”, “You can never let anything go.”, “You’re so sensitive.”, “That’s not what I said.”, “That’s not what I meant.”…
I doubted myself so much that I started taking notes. I even resorted to covertly recording a session to try to make sense of my intense confusion — which I now recognize as cognitive dissonance. I still have that recording. It’s heartbreaking to listen to. JT’s silence in the face of my mother’s bullying emboldened my mother and enabled worsening abuse. As with my siblings, and so many others, JT became one of my mother’s Flying Monkeys.
Why didn’t the therapist protect me from continued abuse?
At the time I didn’t understand the dynamics of narcissistic abuse or family scapegoating abuse. I spent every session in deep cognitive dissonance. Instead of healing, my anxiety and depression worsened.
Two years and a whole boatload of work later, I’ve healed myself. I am no-contact with all of my siblings and minimal contact with my almost-95-year-old mother. I continue to educate myself on Family Scapegoating Abuse, Narcissistic Abuse, and Complex-PTSD caused by Childhood Emotional Neglect.
My mission is now to educate others on the subtle but insidious abuse caused by Charming Bullies and their Flying Monkeys. It is critical that all mental health professionals have a solid understanding of these topics. It is up to those of us who have been harmed to educate them.
Dear JT -
I know you’d probably prefer I disappear (like my family would like me to disappear), but once Family Scapegoats start seeing the damage caused by families like theirs, we are energized to educate anyone and everyone we can — especially therapists — about the perniciuos harm caused by narcissistic family systems. We become cycle-breakers.
My mother had you so fooled! She is one of the most dangerous kinds of narcissists — the kind that can fool even experienced therapists.
Please watch this video to learn how to recognize subtle gaslighting abuse in your clients. It’s taken me two years to finally recover from the abuse I experienced while under your care. This is an opportunity to learn and grow.
Signs Your Scapegoating Family is Narcissistic Vs Dysfunctional — Rebecca Mandeville
My mother is still alive — living somewhat miserably in an assisted living place near my oldest brother. She spent a year with my brother and his horribly narcissistic wife before none of them could take it any longer (they almost killed my mother — she lost a ton of weight, rarely got bathed, fell and broke her arm and had terrible follow-up).
I’ve been fully scapegoated by all my siblings at this point (thanks to my three sisters-in-law who have taken over the narcissistic reins that my mother left empty). My siblings and their partners (and many of their kids) are all addicted, miserable, and isolated.
I keep in touch with my mother for my daughter’s sake on a very superficial basis. She is always thrilled when we come to visit.
My relationship with my daughter has never been better. She is thriving. I have formed my own chosen “framily” and feel connected, supported and loved for the first time in my life.
If only you had helped me to identify the very obvious Family Scapegoating Abuse 2 years ago (my childhood nickname was “The Mistake” for God’s sake!), perhaps the past two years wouldn’t have been quite so brutal.
I know you mean well. All therapists mean well. Like nursing, it is a noble profession, but when we aren’t aware of our own shortcomings, we can do far more harm than good. Learning from our clients and patients is how we grow.
Tara
