We All Make Assumptions — Maturity Lies In Recognizing Our Biases

Life lessons from childhood — The Big Blue Marble

We all make assumptions. We all judge. We all experience jealousy, shame, and grief. We all have narcissistic tendencies. We all suffer. These similarities are part of our common humanity.

According to Kristin’s Neff’s definition, common humanity is one of the three essential elements of compassion = Common Humanity + Kindness + Mindfulness.

“Compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience — something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.”- K. Kneff

Compassion means recognizing our common humanity — the good, the bad, and the ugly. Compassion is using wisdom (mindfulness) and kindness in realizing and acknowledging how our own assumptions, biases, and shame impact our behavior.

When we harm others, knowingly or unknowingly, it is almost always due to unrecognized shame and unacknowledged narcissistic tendencies.

Narcissism isn’t necessarily good or bad; it just is. Healthy narcissism is an essential part of self-compassion — it is the yang (fierce) component of self-compassion that motivates us towards self-protection and self-actualization.

“Self-compassion doesn’t simply mean changing ourselves. It also means changing the systems that cause us harm.” K. Kneff

Without healthy narcissism we are unable to set boundaries, complete projects, or protect ourselves and others from unhealthy narcissism.

Unhealthy narcissism is the type of narcissim we are most familiar with, although few people will admit to it and so are oblivious to the power that our destructive tendencies hold over us. Instead of recognizing our damaging narcissistic tendencies and moderating them, most of us deny they exist. We can’t fix (change) what we don’t know is a problem. This is precisely why the Serenity Prayer is so meaningless — but that’s for a different discussion.

The two most damaging elements of unhealthy narcissism are lack of empathy (inability to understand another’s feelings) and lack of humility (inability to take responsibility for our behavior).

1. Lack of empathy is easy to detect. If you set a boundary with someone (let them know they have harmed you) and they deny or deflect, they lack empathy. Empathy is not transitory — you either have it or you don’t. Many narcissists are very good actors and can easily feign empathy in the moment, but when push comes to shove, they prove incapable of taking responsibility for their bad behavior. It’s helpful to be able to differentiate empathy (emotional process that fosters connection) from its “near enemy” sympathy (cognitive process that drives disconnection).
2. Lack of humility is also easy to detect once you know what to look for— just pay attention to the gaslighting (invalidation, projective identification) inherent in a narcissist’s speech. A narcissist will go to great lengths to silence you and deny reality in order to avoid any hint of criticism — it’s an avoidance of shame that creates more shame. The narcissist’s overuse of Thought-Terminating Clichés is a dead givaway.

The concept of projective identification can be described as a type of defense mechanism or strategy employed by the unconscious mind, that allows an individual to deny or distort reality in order to maintain a socially acceptable self-image.

The term Thought-Terminating Cliché, coined by Jobert J. Lifton, is used to describe when the most far-reaching and complex of human problems are compressed into brief, highly reductive, definitive-sounding phrases, easily memorized and easily expressed. These become the start and finish of any ideological analysis.

Projective identification is a fancy way to say gaslighting, and thought-terminating clichés are merely the most obvious indication of gaslighting. Gaslighting is synonymous with bullying, the more charming (covert) the bully, the more destructive the gaslighting. The more seemingly “nice” and “polite” the bully, the more dangerous.

Compare Donald Trump (a malignant narcissist / Overt Bully) to Bill Clinton (a covert narcissist / Charming Bully).

Trump’s lies and cheating are obvious and easy to condemn — he’s “honest” about his values and judgments. Trump is predictable. We know not to trust him.

Clinton, on the other hand, is unpredictable. He says one thing, but does another. His behavior does not match his professed values. He seems to have good intentions, but it’s impossible to trust him.

Clinton’s use of thought terminating clichés is legendary. “We all do better when we work together.”, “if you live long enough, you’ll make mistakes…”, “I didn’t inhale.”, “I didn’t have sexual relations with that woman.” …

Clinton clearly suffers from cognitive dissonance and creates cognitive dissonance both in those he gaslights (his victims) as well as in those who defend him (his flying monkeys).

Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes.

Bullies are not born, they are created by other bullies — shame is at the root of all bullying. Unaddressed shame begets bullying and bullying begets more shame and the vicious cycle continues until someone says STOP.

The courageous people who say stop are the ones who have discovered their own healthy narcissim (fierce self-compassion) in the form of boundaries.

Nobody can shame you without your permission. If you feel ashamed, it’s on you to move that shame (I am bad) to guilt (I did something bad) and change your behavior.

If you behave with integrity, there is nothing to feel ashamed of. Don’t let bullies project their shame on to you. I’ve learned to say “Stop! Take your shame elsewhere. I’m not interested.” — It’s the most satisfying boundary to set. It frees me of the toxic shame that is not mine to carry.

Bullies are allergic to boundaries, which is why it’s so easy to call them out once you understand compasssion. Set a boundary and see how they react.

If they deny and deflect, be done with them. They are not worth your time and energy. Stop feeding their endless need for supply and stand up to them. Don’t just walk away and forget them — that’s cowardly and doesn’t protect others from harm. Call them out. Break the cycle. Protect yourself and others. Be an Upstander.