Dear “John” (or Jane) — The Letter I Wish I’d Learned to Write Years Ago
Dear Friend, Sister, Brother, Mother, Husband, Father, Daughter, Son —
I love you, BUT your disrespectful behavior has become intolerable, AND I don’t respect the person you have become.
No human should ever be required to endure the degree of disrespect and inconsideration that you have projected in the past year (5 years, 10 years…). Your moments of “niceness” are now few and far between. I can’t survive off the breadcrumbs. Niceness is toxic.
I am not a doormat, and you are not a bully. We all deserve kindness.
You have a choice:
- Respect yourself enough to treat others with kindness.
- Risk losing the authentic relationships in your life, including the one you have with me.
I love you. I hope you choose wisely. I will be right here as soon as you are ready to reengage in a real way. This is not tough love — this is self-protection and modeling of healthy behavior. I wish I had done it years ago.
Your loving Friend, Sister, Mother, Daughter
Humility, gentleness, and grace — these behaviors should be instinctual, but for those of us who grew up surrounded by arrogance, harshness, and indifference, they can be quite challenging to embody.
Self-compassion doesn’t simply mean changing ourselves. It also means changing the systems that cause us harm. — Kristin Neff
As adults, the only way to change ourselves is by nurturing self-compassion. If we didn’t have self-compassion (healthy narcissism) modeled to us in childhood, we need to seek out adults who can model it for us now.
The only way to change the systems that cause us harm is by removing ourselves from the situation. If the person or people causing harm refuse to treat us with the respect and consideration that we all deserve, it’s our choice to endure the suffering or let them go.
Simple, but not at all easy. This letter is merely one way to set a boundary. I wish I had figured it out before my entire life exploded, but sometimes the most painful lessons are the most enduring.
I’m on a new path. You can start a new path too if you are unhappy with the one you are on. You are not alone. I am here if you need me.
