Narcissism isn’t necessarily good or bad; it just is. Healthy narcissism is an essential part of self-compassion — it is the yang (fierce) component of self-compassion that motivates us towards self-protection and self-actualization.
Most of us are aware of the story of Narcissus, the Greek river god who fell in love with his own reflection, but we remain ignorant of the true meaning of the word narcissism.
Narcissism is a survival tool.
Healthy narcissism is putting our own needs before another’s wants.
Narcissism is what motivates a toddler to say “no” and “I’ll do it myself.” Narcissism is a vital part of child development at all stages — it promotes autonomy, agency, individuation, self-protection, and self-confidence. It is essential to a healthy ego.
Healthy narcissism is an instrumental component of mature adulthood. Without healthy narcissism it is impossible to reach the highest stages on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs — namely esteem and self-actualization (“enlightenment”).
Healthy narcissism is putting on our own oxygen mask first.
The concept is equivalent to fierce self-compassion — the protecting, providing, motivating side of compassion. Healthy narcissism is all about empowerment — for ourselves and others — it encompasses the concepts of assertiveness, self-protection, healthy sense-of-self, autonomy, agency, humility and pride.
The most powerful tool of fierce self-compassion (healthy narcissism) is learning to set and respect boundaries.
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” ― Prentis Hemphill
Healthy narcissism is part of a growth mindset — a willingness to stay curious, courage to ask hard questions, humility to accept criticism, compassion to take responsibility for our behavior and make amends when necessary. Healthy narcissism is also what guides us to trust our intuition and to not take responsibility for shame that is not ours to own. Healthy narcissism in the form of boundaries is imperative for all healing.
Boundaries take courage. For enduring recovery, we must dig deep on that courage and set that boundary. The response from the person on the other side of the boundary will tell us everything we need to know about how to move forward. When faced with a boundary, Bullies (toxic narcissists) will deny, defend, and deflect — gaslight. They are incapable of change. Compassionate souls (healthy narcissists) will listen and reflect. They will have no trouble changing a behavior once they are aware that it is causing harm.
Boundaries are often confused with barriers, but there are big differences.
Boundaries protect and support authentic connection.
Barriers drive disconnection and traumatize both sides in a conflict.
Boundaries require humility and courage and take a lot of practice.
Barriers are cowardly. Barriers prolong conflict and worsen the suffering of everyone involved.
Here is a simple example:
Boundary: “Please don’t call me ‘Honey.’ I find that language disrespectful.”
Toxic narcissist reply: “Don’t be so sensitive. I didn’t mean any harm.” No behavior change.
Healthy narcissist reply: “Thank you for letting me know. I’m sorry that I was disrespectful.” Behavior change.
Boundaries take practice. We won’t always get it right, but the more we practice, the greater our confidence. The greater our confidence (healthy narcissism) the easier it is to set boundaries. Eventually boundaries become second nature, and we set them without even noticing. The simple act of not responding to a triggering comment on social media is a boundary that people with healthy narcissism never even have to think about.
There is very little to be triggered by when we practice healthy narcissism.
Take boundaries for a test drive. You may not always get it right, but you’ll learn a lot from your mistakes. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Without growth, we remain stuck. Stuck is not a comfortable way to live. We are all capable of getting ourselves unstuck, but it takes a lot of work, especially at the beginning. Unfortunately nobody else can do the work for us. The best therapist in the world can’t help us if we are not committed to doing the work. Like all meaningful things in life, change is simple, but not easy.
Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”― Maya Angelou
It all begins with curiosity to explore and a commitment to do better.
Self-compassion [healthy narcissism] doesn’t simply mean changing ourselves. It also means changing the systems that cause us harm. — Kristin Neff
Own your healthy narcissism. You can reclaim the word for the sake of good. Insight and growth are what separate the toxic narcissists from the healthy narcissists. We are all just a boundary or two away from getting unstuck.
