Disrespected, Abandoned, Unloved — The Emotions Behind the Feelings
All of us know the feeling of being disrespected. Hopefully far fewer of us know the feeling of being abandoned and unloved, and yet the core emotions behind all of these feelings are the same: fear, anger, sadness.
When we are able to talk about and address the core emotions behind our feelings, we can avoid so much misunderstanding with other humans.
Understanding ourselves (healthy ego) means understanding our emotions and being in charge of how our emotions impact our behaviors.
Being in charge = Empowered
A healthy sense of self requires us to be intimate and vulnerable with our emotions and to understand how our emotions manifest themselves in our bodies (embodiment).
Embodiment = Feeling at home in our body, at peace with mind and body as one
When we stop controlling our own emotions we are empowered to take control of our lives. When we stop trying to control other people’s emotions (a useless task) they are empowered to take control of their lives. It’s a win-win.
Like love, disrespect is more about behavior than emotion. When we behave in disrespectful ways (dishonest, exclusionary, invalidating, gossiping, triangulating…) we cause others to feel disrespected (scared, angry, sad). When we behave in loving ways (honest, inclusive, validating, protecting, nurturing…) we cause others to feel loved (peaceful, joyful, powerful).
The best way to empower another human being is to demonstrate authentic love for them. When we are loved unconditionally, we feel empowered, as well as joyful and peaceful (all the wonderful emotions in the red, orange, and green). Who wouldn’t want that for themselves and for those they love?
Why is unconditional love (compassion) so difficult for most humans?
I believe our lack of love is due to a lack of embodiment.
Feelings (sensations) are mostly in our bodies. Emotions are mostly in our mind. When we use the word “sensitive” we can mean in body or in mind, but it’s actually always both. To best understand our sensitivities (how we experience the world in all its beauty and challenges) we need to be able to describe the specific sensations in our body so that we can determine which primary category of emotion we are referring to. Only then are we able to accurately communicate what we are feeling to other human beings.
Butterflies in our stomach — a positive sensation = excitement, anticipation.
A knot in our stomach — a negative sensation = dread, fear.
Physiologically, these sensations in our body are caused by the same mechanisms that are “triggered” in our amygdala (brain) and flow through our enteric system (body). This is the fight/flight/freeze/fawn response that is universal in all humans. Misreading the sensations that result from our physiological responses often results in harm. When we confuse butterflies for a knot or vice-versa, we label that emotion anxious. Anxiety doesn’t feel good, but is a necessary sensation to alert us to possible danger. Anxiety only becomes a problem for us when it becomes chronic.
Chronic anxiety is very literally killing us. Our epidemic of anxiety-related “disorders” is evidence of our societal lack of understanding about the mind-body connection.
If you tell me that I make you feel disrespected, I have nothing to work with. If you tell me that you feel lonely (sad) and anxious (scared) because I ignored you when you asked me for help, there’s a great deal for us to work with.
If you tell me you love me, but you lie to me and ignore me when I reach out to you, you reinforce my feelings of anxiety (fear) and shame (sadness) because your words are out of alignment with your behavior.
When our behaviors are out of alignment with our emotions (and values) it is a sign of cognitive dissonance.
When we experience cognitive dissonance in ourselves, we behave in ways that create cognitive dissonance in others. It’s a lose-lose.
If you feel respected and loved by the people around you AND if you know that they feel respected and loved by you — congratulations! Your work is done. If, on the other hand, there is any question about the love and respect, especially if you aren’t absolutely sure how the others feel, you have some work to do. They do too, but you can’t make them do it.
Only you can do your work, and only they can do theirs.
If they are willing to come to the table and work together, you are 90% to repair. If they are not, you will have to do 100% of your work on your own. Don’t despair. The work gets easier and easier the more you can surround yourself with other people who also care enough to do the work — that’s what compassion is all about.
