Conflict is hard for everyone, but for people with a history of complex-trauma, even a hint of conflict can be debilitating. Conflict isn’t safe when we consistently end up on the losing end of the battle. Even friendly competition can feel unsafe when we’re in a triggered state. We were born to be compromisers, not competitors.
Unfortunately, our society values competition and control over compromise and connection. Not surprisingly, sports metaphors abound.
Win at all costs.
Down for the count.
Roll with the punches.
Throw in the towel.
Hit them in their soft spot.
He moved the goalpost.
She dropped the ball.
Give it your best shot.
The ball is in your court.
It’s easy to see that in our modern culture it’s not really about how you play the game. It is almost always about winning. This mindset is bad enough in the world of politics and business, but the win/lose mindset in interpersonal relationships and academia is literally destroying us.
Any time there is competition there are winners and losers. Nobody wants to be (or deserves to be) a loser.
Relating is no longer about compromise and connection. It’s about competition and control. The prettiest, the smartest, the richest, the biggest, the physically strongest are usually the winners and the rest of us lose time and time again, which ultimately means we all lose.
Winning from a place of relative power is not winning.
It’s oppression.
The most beautiful, the kindest, the wisest, the most empathic, the most resilient, the most creative, the free-thinkers, the helpers… are used and abused and spit out once we no longer serve our manipulators. Only the most famous of athletes or creatives can make a living from their talents. If their skill or looks aren’t exploitable enough, they might as well get a job as an accountant and focus on their passions in their spare time — if they have any.
How do highly sensitive creatives survive in such a dog eat dog world where the stakes get higher as the division between the haves (winners) and have-nots (losers) gets greater and greater? Conflict resolution has become a cruel joke. It is very rare that conflicts of any kind are resolved fairly, not because people aren’t brave enough or smart enough to stand up for ourselves, but because we are beaten down whenever we try.
After yet another devastating loss to a professional toxic narcissist, I was venting to my support group about my pain of estrangement from so many of my family members when our wise and wonderful facilitator offered a tennis metaphor that rocked my world.
Sherry suggested looking at conflict resolution with loved ones as if it were a friendly tennis match. Instead of winning or losing an argument, the goal of this friendly match is to keep the ball in play with a gentle volley as long as it lasts. Instead of opponents, we are partners on opposite sides of the net. The ball represents bids for attention and the responses to those bids. Our rackets are the tools we have to deal with our past traumas and triggers. As we learn to use our tools with greater skill, we improve our ability to respond with kindness instead of anger.
When we react from a place of anger instead of responding from a place of empathy, we risk slamming the ball back at our partner. We don’t intend to hurt them, but that is the result.
Positive intent does not excuse nor does it erase hurtful impact.
No matter how we hit the ball, we can’t control how the other party is going to respond/react. Our job is to practice our own skills with our own tools so we can respond from a place of kindness every single time. At first it is hard to respond with kindness when we haven’t seen it modeled much, but like anything else in life, responding with kindness gets easier and easier the more we practice.
Reacting — Reflexive, unconscious, triggered, thoughtless.
Responding — Intentional, conscious, kind, thoughtful.
If we unintentionally slam the ball from a place of our own pain, we shouldn’t be surprised if our partner slams it back at us or refuses to keep playing from a place of their own pain. If they “choose” to slam the ball back at us, the conflict intensifies and we both lose. If the ball remains in their court and they walk away from the conversation (or the relationship) we also both lose.
If we hit the ball too gently and make them work hard to send it back to us because we’re upset with them, we aren’t taking responsibility for our role in the conflict. This is equivalent to a passive aggressive response to their bid.
If we don’t have the strength to hit the ball back to them and we are able to communicate our needs, they are more likely to come closer to the net to accommodate our current “weakness.” When the motivation is a win-win, compromise is the only option. A healthy partner will willingly accommodate our weaknesses when they are confident that we will do the same for them when the tables are turned (another competitive metaphor!)
An important concept to keep in mind with a win-win is that even if we are playing by all the right rules, they might not be in a position to do so themselves. We can’t control that, but we can alleviate the stress for both sides when we are aware of our own reactions/responses. This is especially true when dealing with children and immature adults.
If our partner keeps the ball in their own court, that’s up to them. Yelling at them to “just serve for God’s sake” is not helpful if they have a broken racket. We can try to offer them our spare racket, but if they aren’t ready to accept it from us, that is up to them. Forcing them to use our spare is about control instead of kindness. A win-win means kindness on both sides. We can’t respond from a place of kindness when we feel as if we are being manipulated.
When conflict seems endless we have two choices:
- Decide that the pain of being on the receiving end of constant slams isn’t worth the small pleasure we used to experience from the relationship and let them take the ball and their broken racket and go home, alone.
- Decide to stay safely on our side of the net while remaining open to any authentic bid (ball) that they might send our way.
If our partner drops the ball and they are willing to let us pick it up and put it back in play, it is a sign that they want a win-win just as much as we do. This is a victory for both of us.
The solution to conflict is gentle volleys back and forth for as long as it takes for both sides to gain the skills needed to respond with kindness every single time. Before you know it, you will be volleying just for fun and can meet each other courtside for a celebratory hug and a well-deserved lemonade.
