I Don’t Think My Ex-Wife is Happy
My marriage ending has been a journey. A difficult one at times, but worthwhile nonetheless. I would honestly say that I am happier now than where I was at while I was married. As odd as this sounds, I don’t think my soon-to-be ex-wife feels the same.
I watch her live the new life she wanted so badly, getting the feeling that she’s not as happy as she thought she would be. Maybe the grass isn’t greener. Maybe life is harder without backup. All I know is that she’s not content in the new world she created for herself.
The Backstory
For any readers who are joining me for the first time or old friends who need a refresher, I am working through a divorce right now. A nearly 20 year relationship with my wife came to an end when I found out she had been prolifically cheating on me for quite some time.
To be fair, it generally takes two people to ruin a relationship. I definitely have my fair share of guilt when it comes to why our marriage wasn’t working. At the same time, that doesn’t justify any of the choices she made towards the end of the relationship.
Nothing I did or didn’t do made her choice to lie to me for years about a myriad of topics remotely acceptable. It certainly didn’t rationalize her decision to cheat on me, a choice that has left me and our children with a lot of pain to work through.
I went through some very difficult times for the first year as I struggled to cope with the betrayal while being a single-ish parent. Now, I am in a great place and have built a new life without meaningful presence from my ex. I find more and more joy every day.
Is My Ex Happy?
I bear no ill will towards my ex. To be honest, I want her to be as happy and healthy as possible, and to build as joyful a life as she is capable of. I just want her to do it as far away from me as possible. Frankly, I don’t really enjoy being around her and cannot wait until our kids are 18-years-old.
When I do see her, I sense a deep sadness in her. I know part of it is because she doesn’t get to see our kids as much as she wants. They live with me primarily because her job and her personal life make it difficult for her to be there for them consistently. I know she misses them.
I’ve also watched a lot of bad things happen to her since we split. Some were by her own creation, others just the universe screwing with her. Additionally, I’ve been told that her own family isn’t particularly happy with her choices over the past few years, leading to some tension.
Basically, I get the impression that her new middle aged single lady life is not as happy or fulfilling as she expected. I don’t think she wants to get back together with me. I know I have less than zero interest in that. I just don’t believe things have worked out the way she hoped.
It Takes Time
The person my ex lies to the most is herself. She spent years creating fabricated versions of herself, me, and our marriage that rationalized her choices. She is in therapy and my suspicion for a few weeks has been that her therapist is helping her confront a few heavy truths.
For my part, I have moved on as much as possible from someone you have to co-parent with. I have apologized to her for my role in our marriage coming apart and forgiven her for the pain she caused me. I did that for my own mental health as well as creating a positive environment for my kids.
She has neither apologized to me nor forgiven me, but I also know she isn’t capable of offering me either of those things in a meaningful fashion. My ex is not exactly great at taking responsibility for her actions or admitting when she’s wrong. The irony is that she might be happier if she did.
I feel like an emotional burden was lifted when I told her I forgave her and made my apology. Maybe in time she will learn how to do the same, lifting her own burdens. Being able to be honest with herself and offering herself forgiveness might just be the first step on her path to happiness.
