My Ex Ended Our Marriage Like It Never Mattered

A marriage ending is, more often than not, a more difficult experience for one side than it is for the other. All too often, one spouse is frustrated and ready to move on while the other is blissfully ignorant to what’s about to happen to their lives.

Well, maybe not “blissfully” ignorant, but they sure don’t realize their world is about to change.

That’s what happened when my marriage came to an end. I knew things weren’t right but I was unaware that my wife had been essentially done with our marriage for years. And the sudden end of a decades-old relationship made me feel like it never mattered in the first place.

Like I’m Taking Crazy Pills

Describing the feeling of finding out my wife no longer loved me is difficult to relate for two reasons. First, there really aren’t words that describe the feeling. It would be more accurate to use guttural crying sounds. Second, talking about it is still hard but I like to try.

I honestly didn’t expect our marriage to end. There was a part of me that believed she and I were so strong we could work through anything. The worst part was realizing how wrong I was. She wasn’t in our relationship for the long haul, and likely never was.

Pinpointing what exactly went wrong is impossible, and trying to do so nearly drove me insane. I had to accept that it was about her, not me. Keep in mind I am not saying I was a perfect husband. I certainly have my own issues to work on. At the same time, it was her decision to hide so much from me rather than trying to work on things.

In the years since, I’ve done my best to forgive her for her choices. Not for her, but for me. There’s nothing she could say or do to make me forgive her, and carrying that baggage would have broken my soul. Grudges aren’t worth the damage they cause.

The Hardest Part

As odd as this might sound, the hardest part was actually the realization that none of this was about me. I didn’t factor into any of her decisions about our lives together. My happiness, my mental health, and my very life were not a consideration as she charted the next phase of her existence. I was collateral damage at best.

Realizing that our marriage didn’t matter to her was easily the most damaging part of the whole situation. I put everything I had into it. Again, I was not a perfect husband, but I made an almost endless number of concessions and compromises in an attempt to make things work. It still wasn’t enough for her.

In the end, she cast all of that aside as if it never meant anything and I was left figuring out what was next for me. She got to pick and choose what was next. I had to find my way out of the smoldering wreckage of what was left behind, something I am still doing. I didn’t get any say in the situation.

To be frank, the end of our marriage was a perfect representation of the relationship. She took everything she could from me and gave back as little as possible, rarely considering me in any decisions that were made despite the fact they directly impacted me.

What I Learned

At this point, I’m closing in on 50 and find it unlikely that I’ll ever be in another relationship. That’s in part due to the fact that I know I don’t fit what women are looking for. To be fair to myself, I don’t fit what women think they want. In truth, I’m a good man who would be a great life partner.

The bigger problem is trust. I absolutely trusted my soon-to-be ex-wife, no matter how many times I caught her lying to me. I believed in her and I believed in us. After the damage she did on her way out, it’s hard for me to imagine trusting another woman again. I don’t blame all women for my ex’s mistakes but I am scared of history repeating itself. Who wouldn’t be?

If I do end up in another relationship, I may never fully trust that person. I can’t afford to. I will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, for her to tell me I’m not worth loving and walk away. I certainly won’t be making as many compromises or concessions.

Knowing that I never mattered to my ex, that our marriage never mattered to her, has irreparably damaged my mental health. It has made it impossible for me to even want to love again. Honestly, it would take an incredibly special woman to make me try, if she’s even out there.