The Double Standard of Cheating

There are some stupid double standards in the dating world, particularly between men and women. A classic is a guy sleeping with a lot of women being called a stud while a woman who sleeps with a lot of men is a whore. To be clear, they’re both whores. It’s not a gender specific concept.

Cheating often works in the opposite direction. Men who cheat are quite accurately labelled as dogs who are incapable of being in adult relationships. When women cheat, it’s frequently treated much differently, particularly by other women, and that has to change.

The Weight of Cheating

Being cheated on is incredibly painful. You believe you are in a trusting, monogamous, and loving relationship. It isn’t perfect but you believe both sides are happy. Suddenly, you find out that isn’t true and your partner has moved on behind the scenes. It leaves emotional scars that will never heal.

That has certainly been the case for me. It’s been years since I found out that my then wife had stopped loving me and was sleeping around prolifically. She worked really hard to make me believe everything was okay. Because I loved her, I fell for it. I still feel stupid for trusting her.

While I don’t hate women or believe they’re all to blame for my ex-wife’s actions, the damage was done. It’s unlikely I’ll ever be in another relationship simply because I can’t see ever trusting woman in the same way. Also, there isn’t exactly a line of women waiting to date me.

In my heart and mind I’ve forgiven my wife for the pain she caused me. At the same time, she’s never actually apologized for what she did. In fact, she’s been extremely clear in that she does not regret cheating on me in the least. This is where the double standard starts.

Living Her Truth

When a man cheats on his wife or girlfriend, he is normally called out for his actions. Cheating is juvenile and sad. If you’re done with a relationship, move on. If you love your partner, keep your dick in your pants around other women. It should be as simple as that.

When a woman cheats, the attitude is often to ask what her boyfriend or husband did wrong. A woman’s female friends even support her actions as a “brave step” and “being strong.” Apparently, it’s a man’s fault when he cheats but it’s also a man’s fault when he’s cheated on. His perceived deficiencies justify her actions.

I experienced this first hand. My ex-wife’s sibling told me that if I had kept the house cleaner, maybe she wouldn’t have cheated. Shockingly, I didn’t take that well. In our marriage, I did 90% of the housework and child raising on top of a full time job. I wasn’t perfect but I did my best. Regardless, that sure didn’t make cheating on me okay.

The problem is that I’ve seen similar rationale on social media, talk shows, and in literature. Women cheating on their men is often treated as a survival tool, a response to a negative stimuli in the relationship. She had to do it to deal with stress to maintain the relationship. And people buy it.

Cheating is Cheating is Cheating

All cheaters are cowards who do what they do because of their selfishness and inability to deal with complex, adult emotions. That was certainly the case with my ex who still takes every opportunity to run and hide from any conversation that might lead her to confront something real.

In many ways, it would have been easier if she just told me that she didn’t love me and left. But that would have required her to acknowledge her own feelings, let alone mine. So, she used the pain she caused herself by repressing her emotions to justify and rationalize cheating on me.

Men can’t, and shouldn’t be able to, get away with bulls#!t like that. For some reason, society lets women play those kind of cards all too often. That’s likely because we continue to live in a cultural delusion that women are more emotionally intelligent than man. Trust me. They’re not.

Cheating in any relationship is bad. In a trusting, long-term relationship, it can be devastating to the point of never fully recovering. Even worse is trying to rationalize it. An apology won’t fix anything but it might at least make the victim feel like they mattered, even if it’s only a little bit.