Saboteur #1 (of 9): The Avoider
When we experience a continuous, negative mindset, it is likely the result of self-sabotaging behavioral patterns. These behavioral patterns originate from natural strengths — strengths we were born with which have continued to develop over time. When we overuse these strengths, especially when we attempt to leverage them while experiencing a negative mindset, our strengths may operate more like weaknesses and prevent us from making the best decisions that lead to success AND happiness.
I chose to start with this saboteur for two reasons: 1) it comes first alphabetically, and 2) it is a saboteur I experience frequently. Over time, I have learned to reduce the negative impact of the Avoider on my life, but it has not gone away completely.
Those of us influenced by the Avoider saboteur have strengths that enable us to work effectively with others. We tend to be flexible, adaptive, and easy-going. We value peace and harmony within ourselves and others. We have a natural disposition to be positive and are likely to be non-judgmental of others.
The Avoider saboteur starts to show up when focusing too much on creating positive and pleasant outcomes. A decision to avoid things that are difficult, unpleasant, or may result in conflict is another sign that the Avoider saboteur is present.
Referring to the underlying motivations and styles that define our saboteurs (link to the previous article), the avoider saboteur comes from a motivational preference for independence and a primary avoiding style. In other words, if you value autonomy and take on challenges indirectly, you might find Avoider near the top of your list of saboteurs.
Here are some specific behaviors that you may recognize in yourself or others who are in Avoider mode:
You avoid conflict and say “yes” to things you don’t want to say yes to. You have difficulty saying no.
Because of the inability to say no, you may find ways to push back through passive-aggressive means instead of dealing with the conflict directly.
You disregard and downplay the significance of actual problems. You deflect and turn others away to distance yourself from the unpleasantness or conflict.
You turn to comforting routines and habits when confronted with unpleasantness. Procrastination is a typical response to unpleasant tasks.
Thoughts and feelings (and lies) triggered by the Avoider saboteur:
If I procrastinate the decision or task long enough, the problem will take care of itself, and I will not have to do anything that makes me uncomfortable.
If I deal with this situation directly, I will likely hurt someone’s feelings. It is easier to say yes (or not say no).
I fear creating conflict with someone else will damage our relationship and connection.
Things are going ok right now. I’ll go with the flow to not create a disruption.
I can be flexible and let someone else have it their way. It’s not worth creating a scene.
I am a good person because I think about the feelings of others.
Conflict is terrible — I should avoid it at all costs.
I am resilient, so I should be the one to be flexible to keep everyone happy.
On a quick side note, here is a great TED Talk that dives deeper into the mindset of a master procrastinator.
Impact of the Avoider saboteur — on yourself and others:
Pretending that conflicts and negative situations do not exist limits your ability to learn from them by turning them into gifts and opportunities.
You cannot appreciate the joy of pleasant conditions without the pain of unpleasant situations. Distancing yourself from negative feelings is NOT the same as experiencing peace.
Your negative emotions do not have a healthy outlet. You suppress anger and resent yourself, others, and your environment.
You live in continuous anxiety and fear about the things that have been avoided or procrastinated.
Avoiding conflicts results in superficial relationships.
Others do not trust you because they are unsure whether you withhold negative information.
Avoiding negative situations could make the problem go away temporarily. When the problem comes back, it comes back with even more negativity and probably fewer solutions.
One of my most memorable and painful experiences with the Avoider saboteur nearly cost me an important friendship. It happened when I was dealing with an extremely stressful work environment, and I was caught up in a negative mindset triggered by fear. I had to deliver what I considered negative news to a close coworker and friend. To make sharing the news easier, I softened the message by only sharing part of it. In the end, my coworker found out from other sources that I had withheld information, which made the situation worse than having a difficult conversation. The steps I had taken to avoid the conflict were much worse than addressing the negative news in the initial discussion. It took several months to rebuild the trust and restore the friendship I had lost by believing the lies of the Avoider saboteur.
If any of the characteristics of the Avoider saboteur discussed in this article have resonated with you, consider the following tips:
1. Remember — these saboteur tendencies originate from your strengths. Celebrate the underlying strengths of the Avoider that make you so good at collaborating with others.
2. If you feel shame because of your decisions to procrastinate or hide from uncomfortable tasks or decisions, STOP. Use mindfulness exercises to focus on your physical sensations and feelings before allowing your mind and body to react with an emotion.
3. Treat every scenario of unpleasantness as a gift you should embrace. Yes, there will be some painful, awkward moments. The good news is the negative feelings are temporary, and you will learn from your experiences.
How has the Avoider saboteur influenced your life?
What steps do you take when you realize you are under the influence of the Avoider?
I look forward to reading your responses in the comment section.
The next article will cover one of my favorite saboteurs — the Controller!
As a reminder, you can take a free saboteur assessment by following this link: https://www.positiveintelligence.com/assessments/.
