Live Blogging The Craft!

Why wasn’t this directed by John Waters in the 70s?

Hollywood is remaking this bullshit?

It’s 2015. This movie Made My Life at 12/13 in 1996. Saw it in the theatre with my sister (who got me into Robin Skelton when I was 9). I haven’t watched it in eons because I expect it to be a cringe-fest of bad teenage memories. Lately it has been making me bitter, because tumblr fashion witches are reminding me that I am no longer very young.

You know it’s going to be really hard for me to get through this liveblog without imagining more Gayness right? You’re into that? Good.

00:00 Fashion witches. Get the fucking Selby in here, I covet all of the witch klobber. Get me all of this stuff. Is that weed? ___It’s totally weed.

01:10 This movie is overtly gay, right? Not like, frustratingly unhomoerotic like Reality Bites?

02:46 Something about Our Lady Peace is really dividing 1994 from 1996 in my mind here. Something has changed. The death of grunge in favour of vinyl jackets and nu goth.

Too bad they got neither The Beatles nor The Smiths nor Souxsie & the Banshees, not even Rick Ocasek to appear on the soundtrack.

The late 90s were so shit.

03:52 Pretty nice house. Is this what Twilight is like? Is The Craft just a 20-years-older, lesbionic version of Twilight?

04:39 Geez, lady. Guy offers you a snake and you yell at him?

04:44 What is the matter with this girl?! So rude!

05:30 This movie is giving me….is this the campus from Buffy?

06:07 Yeah subtle, Jesus. Flipping kids off from the Cross. What a guy.

06:49 That is legit a Witch’s Almanac in Neve Campbell’s hands. You’d think if they had a real Wiccan in this movie, they’d have a better back story.

07:03 This movie was unfortunately made twenty years too late to have Stockard Channing believably play Nancy. FUN FACT: In the original Grease, the Pink Ladies were a gay coven.

08:15 Oh yeah, every dude in this movie is totally stupid.

08:38 I tried to do that pencil trick so hard in 8th grade social studies class.

09:00 Sexual chemistry between Neve Campbell and New Girl is pretty hot.

10:30 Shoutouts to that Virgin Mary Vagina mural behind the witches.

11:04 For real, being a witch is actually a great way to avoid getting bullied if you’re a nerdy teenage girl. People are fucking stupid.

12:59 These two are not bonding over the shittiness of a dude! They are totally fighting over a boy!

13:45 Teaching goth girls how to call one another ‘poseur’ since 1996.

14:05 Oh my god, there was a really lovely occult bookstore in my hometown that me and my friends stole so much from and I am having So Much Guilt right now.

15:00 ‘Everything in nature steals’ …..what? hahahahahahahaha

16:33 Wow random poverty porn? Darkness. Scary.

16:50 Listen to the Snake Charmer, honey! Stop screaming at him!

18:13 Headsup: this God is made up. It sounds suspiciously like Mammon, who is an Abrahamic demon of greed or something. I am confused by the contradictory animism over-layed with an individuated deity with male pronouns that can get All Up In You. What is that about, girls?

18:46 This genre really fails from nobody ever doing their god damn research. Or doing lazy research, missing the point & adding Jesus. Even as a twelve year old I was like “For Real?” with this movie’s cosmology.

19:40 “It’s like you take him into you. He fills you.” WHOA baby goth SLOW IT DOWN okay? Jesus. Save it for the porn parody. See what I mean? Gross.

23:47 Hi Racist Jan Brady!

24:11 I am tuning this movie out to write an application. I forgot about all the teenager trauma. Too heavy & ham-fisted for 10:30 am.

28:00 Obvious ‘white trash’ living is obvious. Obvious ‘going crazy’ piano music and storm are obvious.

29:00 *Linda Belcher voice* Alright! Lilith Fair road trip! Juliana Hatfield’s worst song! Who’s got the latext gloves and weed? Here we go!

(For real though I am getting fond memories of my teen witch initiation with my best friend. It was on an island in the middle of Hicks Lake. We brought a stereo, a sweet bronze cauldron, a silver goblet, some salt, a few candles, some incense, a hunting knife, a cigarette, a few tiny tiny bottles of liquor & a used copy of The Spiral Dance over in a canoe and had a blast. My best friend’s Mom was getting divorced and she had a woman friend nearby who ran an ‘alternative’ bookstore where we got a lot of our witch books. She wore a lot of tie-dye shirts with wolves screen-printed on them.)

(Man, parts of my childhood were so fucking cool.)

30:53 Well, at least this movie isn’t overtly racist. (Long hot side-eye at American Horror Story: Coven) Where are Rochelle’s parents though?

35:30 And so begins the struggle of every not-too-Christian-to-be-scared-of-it teenage girl to recreate this scene at every sleepover for the rest of eternity.

36:45 I am totally reading something else on the internet right now.

38:00 There needs to be more cool-looking witch zines that are written by people who actually know what they’re talking about instead of fashion witches. I want nice things but pagans are so cheesy.


40:00 Neve Campbell’s voice is making me turn away from the movie again. This music is pretty alright though, is this Siouxsie & the Banshees?


43:46: Ha ha ha that line about being white is hilarious.

Why isn’t Rochelle in a better movie?

45:15 Nancy’s Hot Mom alert!

46:00 $175,000

47:00 I love Nancy’s Mom.

52:10 They just come to bully this older witch lady and steal her shit?

Fuckin’ shitty teenagers. Children are terrible.

54:45 The bugs & snakes are a manifestation of your fear of poor people, Sarah. You’re a classist prude. What happened to that Snake Charmer you killed with your Carrie powers earlier? OR DID PEOPLE JUST FORGET ABOUT HIM?

56:00 Oh my god I tried to do this so many times on so many school fields and beside 1000 lakes and rivers. Steak knives, hunting knives. There were a lot of knives in my teenage witch years. Lot of cool knives and fancy cups. My hometown had some great pawn shops. And a drug problem.

57:18 Did I miss the orgy? What kind of drugs are these girls on?

58:00 “He’s still in me” …You of all people should not be killing the Gay Vibes around her, Dorothy from Return to Oz.

58:30 Do they have shark ambulances in LA?



60:00 K I stopped paying attention again.

60:21 Oh my god teenaged girls are The Worst. How about if Broad City is responsible for this reboot? Faaack, please make it more Welcome to the Dollhouse, less Spring Breakers.

63:03 I never ever need to hear Portishead ever again. The only people I know who listen to Portishead are depressed single men & teenagers. I am sure Portishead is made of nice people, and I respect them. But I’m done.

63:45 Uh oh date rape scene I don’t want to watch this.

67:00 I’m kind of paying more attention to my application again.

67:30 I was right. This was always about a man. What a fucking bummer.

70:00 God, doesn’t this movie have any jokes in it? I don’t have photoshop.

74:00 I wish this scene was Stockard Channing as Nancy, Divine as Sarah, Mink Stohl as Bonnie, and Pam Greer as Rochelle and it was the mid 70s. It would be directed by John Waters, since apparently a man has to be at the centre of all witch movies for them to get made. There would be animal sacrifices and Ralph Bakshi animated magic parts & Such Camp. Where is this movie? Can I have this movie instead of the reboot?

via Ugh. Reboots.

78:00 I am fully not listening. I went to the other room to get breakfast while thinking about Stockard Channing in goth mean girl drag.

Now there are snakes all over.

88:00 “I invoke thee Mannon” just distracted me from filling out this application & I’m thinking about John Waters again.



95:30 I’m so glad teenage girls can’t do telekinesis.


There we have it. Another scaffold of my disgusting teenage personality experiments clattered to Earth. The one who is liked by men is the one with the real power. And she uses it for good not evil, because women who conspire against the patriarchy go to mental hospitals. I don’t know what’s happening in my brain right now, but I have a sudden need to buy candles.

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