An Acquaintance, a Victim, and Rape: What Everyone Should Know
Do a search on photo sites or in general and see what you get for photographs associated with the search term “raped.”
Mouths covered.
Black and white images of potential and ominous horror.
An outdoor attack with a terrified woman’s mouth covered.
A woman curled up on the floor huddled together with knees to her chin.
In other words, the stereotypical view of rape depicted in media in which the stranger attacks, covers the female’s mouth, and the female is left defenseless and unable to articulate her story.
The problem becomes obvious: if that “single story” is not what police and prosecutors are able to see — if there are no bruises, no signs of “fighting back,” then it must not have been “real rape.”
Wrong.
Please don’t misunderstand. I love the photographers and artists who generously donate their work and post it for others to use and enjoy. The photographer-artists and those sharing their work are not the problem.
Our societal perception of rape is the problem.
Perpetrator
“Looks like an all-American guy, right?” I said, purposely playing on the stereotype of “tall, dark, and handsome.”
Those with me at the arraignment could only gape at the man being charged with raping me.
They’d imagined a monster, an obvious weirdo, a stereotypical “bad guy” from the mugshots seen on television and movies.
Wrong. Uh, that’s not what most successful criminals look like. Why? Because if violent individuals were obvious, we wouldn’t associate with them, date them, marry them, or interact with them.
We have to get past the notion that “bad guys” are easily recognizable and avoidable.
He seemed nice, funny, smart, and smiled in a friendly way. He seemed to be a good guy who was new to the area.
Victim
(I don’t want to title this section “victim,” but we’ll get to the survivor part.)
Honors student working part-time and going to college, a young woman trying to be independent in every way— that was me.
I’d seen the young man a few times that week, talked, chatted briefly while on breaks, exchanged pleasantries as one would when being kind to a new person trying to find their way and meet people.
That night, I thought he was hurting, was going through a devastating and traumatic time — in truth, he lied to me about the death of a loved one and had no one else to talk to. It was an award-winning performance of manipulation and deceit.
I wanted to help. He wanted an opportunity. If, as a counselor put it, this was an honest man, then I would be seen as a Good Samaritan, a heroine in the midst of horrible loss.
He wasn’t honest. He wasn’t kind. He wasn’t what he’d worked so hard to pretend to be in public.
Instead, I opened the door to a violent criminal who raped me twice over the course of several hours in my own home.
I showered, trying desperately to stop the bleeding, the pain, the shame. I blamed myself. What other choice was there? Words reverberated and echoed in my head, and I couldn’t shut them up; the shock of the attack overwhelmed my body and my mind.
I’d said no. I’d tried to stop him, held him off as long as I could — but a foot taller than me and more than 100 pounds bigger and heavier… on the floor with his hands around my throat and his dark eyes staring into mine with unfathomable hatred… why, I didn’t know. He left me alive, though I’m still not sure why or how. Afterward, the vision of my body being discovered by loved ones would haunt me.
I’d seen the television movies in which the victim is put on trial… I’d heard people talk about “what she wore” or “how she invited it” or “what was she thinking would happen.”
All of that proved to be falsehoods, myth-making, just-world beliefs— all utter and absolute nonsense.
Truths
Rape is not sex. Rape is violence. It’s not even about sex, but control and power and anger.
This man was an acquaintance. I had known him for a few days. I wasn’t opening the door to a random stranger in the middle of the night or making my way down a dark street… and even if I was — that does not mean one is “asking to be raped.” We need to remove that type of statement from our national consciousness regarding crime and put the criminals who perpetrate these violent acts firmly in a place of accountability and responsibility for their acts.
Yes, we should be aware of our surroundings; yes, we should be vigilant in our actions and take responsibility for our safety; we should not be completely flippant about danger. I agree.
But, ultimately, a crime occurs because someone with malevolent intent is looking for an opportunity and makes the decision to act on a victim. Done.
Right now, let’s dispel any myths about victims, particularly rape.
- The victims are not to blame for someone else hurting them, manipulating them, etc. This is called victim-blaming and my fellow writer, Rachel Thompson has written about it, too — Why were you there at all? What were you thinking? Why did you open the door? Well, of course, it’s something you could’ve prevented… ALL FALSE. ALL unhelpful. Friends and family members, see my other piece here about talking with trauma survivors and helping, rather than hurting.
- The crime triangle: perpetrator + opportunity + potential victim = successful crime. The victim, of course, is at an immediate disadvantage because (most often) they are unaware they’re dealing with a criminal. Or they’re unaware of the past of that individual and their capabilities in committing crimes, especially violent ones. In fact, according to Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN.org), 8 out of 10 victims know their attacker. The victim’s guard is down because they believe they know the individual and that individual has taken advantage of that knowledge/relationship to perpetuate the crime. STOP blaming the victim for the free choices made by a violent individual.
- No victim invites the crime and the violence perpetrated against them. I don’t care what they’re saying, wearing, or doing — this is an absurd form of rationalizing used by individuals bent on having their actions excused. If it was about what a victim is wearing, then nude beaches would be short-lived and every individual would be attacked on the sands and every swimming pool or marathon with skin-tight or little clothing would be a danger zone. Rid your mind of these scenarios and notions related to clothing and attacks. STOP perpetuating the myths.
- Kissing does not equal consent for sexual intercourse.
- Being intoxicated does not equal proper and lawful consent for sexual intercourse.
- Someone saying “NO” earlier in the evening should send both parties in opposite directions. Consent for sexual relations should be an obvious and verbalized “YES!”
STOP blaming victims. Start learning the truths surrounding rape, consent, and healing. Act with compassion about what you are learning to become part of the solution.
Helpful resource for survivors: www.rainn.org
A special thank-you to friend and fellow advocate Rachel Thompson for permission to link her and her article. Very special gratitude to Dr. J. for her friendship and support.
A special thank-you to my friends and family for their ongoing support… recently, consistently, intermittently, and every day — whenever I’ve needed you to be here. My love to you all.
The aftermath of the attack will be upcoming. Please don’t look away from the repercussions — physical, mental, and spiritual. This four-hour attack and its life-shattering consequences changed my life and my family irrevocably, but I hope by speaking up the healing can begin for others facing similar battles and we’re building a societal resistance to this type of violence and tragedy.
I hope you, dear reader, found this article helpful. I hope, too, if you have been through something similar or know a survivor, that this is an affirming piece that you are not alone and there is hope. Let us help and encourage one another in healing.
