How To Move On: A Science-Based Protocol for How to Get Over Him/Her — Part Two
In Part One I spoke about what’s going on in our minds post break up and the need to rewire your addicted brain via going “cold turkey”, getting good at feeling, practicing extreme self-care, and identifying clean vs. dirty pain.
Part Two begins with…
GET A “SPONSOR”
Find a friend, life coach, and/or therapist who uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a therapy app, or all of the above and can act as your “sponsor” because you need some support in this process.
Your sponsor can help you stay out of dirty pain by reminding you when you are making up stories or not being kind to yourself. Make sure to give them a copy of the protocol so they can read up on clean vs. dirty pain if this is a new concept to them.
Your sponsor can talk you “off the ledge” from unnecessarily reaching out to your ex. You will be tempted, looking for a dopamine release, and you must resist. Dopamine is the complex neurotransmitter associated with motivation, pleasure, addiction, lust, and reward. In addition to the dopamine release associated with pleasurable experiences as simple as a text message from a lover, it is also released when you predict a pleasurable experience. After a breakup, you no longer receive those “dopamine hits” and will crave them. You must resist calling for any reason — walking by their apartment/favorite bar/office and/or texting intentionally or “accidentally.” There are no good reasons for reaching out. If you are tempted or before you hit send, call your sponsor.
Your sponsor can help you get rid of his/her things and also be the keeper of his/her things, like a few photos or a love letter. At some point in the future, those things might be harmless memories; just not now.
DISTRACT YOURSELF
Sitting home alone with your thoughts and compromised brain chemistry is not going to help you feel better or stronger. You need distractions to break up your obsessive thoughts. Make sure you take a shower, put on an outfit that makes you feel good, take a walk, get a coffee, get a manicure, smile at some dogs, connect with friends, etc. Stay off of social media — that is not the type of distraction that will help you right now. From my personal experience, I find getting some girlfriends together, drinking a margarita, and dancing to hip-hop until I am sweaty is a VERY effective pastime post-breakup. It gets me out of my head and into my body in a pleasurable way, and, coincidentally, a great way to attract men. Despite the fact you may not be in the mood to meet anyone new, when you are concentrating on your pleasure, other people find you wildly desirable.
DO YOU
After about 6 weeks you should start to feel a bit more like yourself.
I want you to get back in touch with what you love as an individual. What makes YOU tick.
Identify and do things you love to do. Identify the things you have yearned to do and do it. Pay attention to what turns you on, and I do not just mean in a sexual way, although I support that also. If you do not know, take a walk, get quiet, and let your mind wander. When the verbal part of your brain is off, you gain access to the back of your brain where all of the imagination happens.
Limit mindless social media consumption; numerous studies have proven doing so is good for your brain or mental health. To connect with your desires, skills, and dreams, try consuming less and creating more.
Now is also the time to be open to invitations, new experiences, and pleasant surprises. Get out of your comfort zone.
Keep the following questions in mind and jot down notes when the answers come to you. Ask your parents, siblings, and/or old friends what they remember about you.
- What did the kid-you love to do?
- What do YOU love to do now?
- What do you lose track of time doing?
- What have you wanted try, see, learn?
Good Luck and stay tuned for part three!
