Once A Thief 縱橫四海
Chow Yun-fat 周潤發, Leslie Cheung 張國榮, and Cherie Chung 鍾楚紅 steal art and my heart in John Woo 吴宇森’s quippy and slapsticky romp.
Three of the most beautiful people ever glamourously gallivant around Europe, employing elaborate schemes to steal priceless artwork while tangled in a scalene love triangle? Yes, please! I am a sucker for glossy, implausible hijinks around old money opulence (You know I love you, xoxo, Gossip Girl!). In between Bullet in the Head 喋血街頭 (I still haven’t seen, but it’s on the list.) and Hard Boiled 辣手神探, John Woo 吴宇森 decided to take a bit of a detour into something a bit more lighthearted with Once A Thief 縱橫四海, where the endless rounds of bullets and bonds of brotherhood still remain, but with a whole lotta added slapstick and sight gags on top. I’m sad to admit that it’s not a great movie. It’s really only held together by the chemistry and charm of the actors. Apparently, the time between the first day of shooting to the first public screening was a mere 10 weeks, so that probably didn’t help. Still, it looked like a lot of fun to make and I would’ve loved to have been on set so that I could become BFFs with all of them. Chow Yun-fat 周潤發, Cherie Chung 鍾楚紅, and Leslie Cheung 張國榮 were like the favourites in my household growing up, so to have all three together in one movie is basically the Ho dream cast. I even used to have a framed autographed photo of Cherie on my bedside table. (Thanks to her late husband, who was a childhood friend of my dad’s. I think it was more for my parents than for me though, LOL.)
Plot summary from IMDb — with a small tweak from me:
A romantic and action-packed story of three best friends, a group of high-end art thieves, who come into trouble after a heist goes awry.
Raised to be thieves by their asshole foster dad (played by Kenneth Tsang 曾江), Red Bean Pudding 砵仔糕 (henceforth “RBP”, played by CYF) is the cool and wily brains of the operation while James (played by Leslie Cheung 張國榮) brings his dashing, daredevil talents and Red Bean 紅豆 (played by Cherie Chung 鍾楚紅 in her last role before retiring from acting) charms with her feminine wiles and beauty. I wish Woo gave Chung more to do in this movie, but alas, that would be expecting too much.
All grown up and in France, zee three conspire to steal a Modigliani masterpiece. Now, I am no art connoisseur, but…
In a daring plan, RBP and Red Bean distract zee convoy zat’s carrying zee painting, allowing James to slide in effortlessly underneath zee semi-trailer, then getting close behind it so RBP can break in from zee derrière — simply by picking a padlock.
Once inside, RBP sniffs around literally as Red Bean marked zee crate avec her perfume earlier, prior to loading. Oui oui, c’est sneaky!
RBP could easily take zee artwork and partir zee same way he came in, but where would zee fun be in zat? So instead, he passes it off to James, who’s cut a hole — a perfect circle freehand! — through zee floor from underneath.
For his grande sortie, RBP chooses to hoist himself through zee sunroof and paraglide off zee semi-trailer. One of zee guards notices something’s up and tries to do his job, but he’s too late. C’est dommage!
In place of a bullet ballet, we get to watch CYF perform a pas seul en parachute. RBP floats away, unscathed, but struggles to land on the moving car. Why he needed to do it this way, who knows, but it sure is funny!
In the car, RBP blames Red Bean’s driving for him getting hurt and calls her stupid. Oh yeah, RBP and Red Bean are also lovahs, and he is a real dick to her a lot of the times. Thankfully, James is usually there to make sure RBP doesn’t get away with it. (Because he’s secretly in love with her too, but he remains respectful of their relationship.)
As orphans, the three have been looking out for each other since they were li’l kids (with Li’l RBP played by Tang Yat-kwan 鄧一君, Li’l James played by Tong Ka-Fai 唐家輝, and Li’l Red Bean played by Leila Tong 唐寧).
Zee French engage HKPF to help catch the thieves. Mr. Chu (played by Chu Kong 朱江), who is leading the investigation, is all too familiar with the suspects, having known them since his days of workin’ the HK streets as a beat cop. And having cared for them as a surrogate godfather who keeps hoping these kids will outgrow their criminal tendencies.
On Red Bean’s birthday, she proposes a toast to retiring from their thief life. They cheers, but RBP quietly spits the champagne back into his glass, which only James notices. Smiling, RBP encourages Red Bean to blow out the candle on her cake.
Red Bean storms off as RBP just keeps laughing and laughing. James chides RBP and urges him to make things right. He watches as RBP approaches Red Bean by the pool and tries to sweet talk his way out of this — likely something he’s always been able to do because let’s face it, that’s just how it works when you’re RBP.
Anyway, let’s keep ooh and ahhing at these ridiculously good looking best friends, living it up!
The three discuss going back to Hong Kong to settle down and talk about all the food they miss. It’s a moment that makes me personally giggle because god, it’s true. As awesome as Europe is, the lack of good Chinese food sucks. I used to roll my eyes at my mom for needing Chinese food whenever we travelled. Who cares about veggies? What do you mean you’re sick of all the bread and cheese?! But now that I’m older, I get it. Heck, watching all these movies lately, I wanna visit Hong Kong again so badly. *sigh* RBP’s not quite as eager about it, but he happily sings Queen’s Road East 皇后大道東, which apparently was a huge pop song at the time that satirized the impending handover of Hong Kong. Oof. Right. In my happy nostalgic cocoon, I forgot that that was something looming over Hongkongers back then, and that not even two years before this movie came out was Tiananmen Square…
On that note! The gang pulls up to the sprawling estate of Mr. Burton (played by Pierre Yves Burton). To my great amusement, he calls Red Bean « Haricot Rouge » . As the only one in the group who knows French, Red Bean acts as translator and they sell the Modigliani to him for half a mill (FRF? USD? HKD? Je ne sais pas.). Mr. Burton then shows them another painting he wants them to steal — ⅔ of Servante du harem (The Harem Servant Girl) by Paul Désiré Trouillebert. He’ll pay them deux million. It’s hidden in a château in Nice. Oh, and it’s haunted by zee artist’s soul. Quel spooky! Red Bean reluctantly discloses this opportunity to the boys and they are all for it. She pretends to accept the job but actually informs Mr. Burton that they’re retiring. Not that it matters anyway since James covertly tears the page with the painting out of the book and stuffs it into his pocket as they leave. Mr. Burton notices zee page missing and smiles. He receives a call from Hong Kong; it’s “Mr. Chow” (Foster Dad!). Everyzing is going to plan… (This “plan” makes zero sense, but we will enjoy the journey!)
That night, RBP and Red Bean discover that — quel surprise! — James has gone to steal zee painting by himself. How did he know which château to hit?! No time for questions! Worried for James’ safety, RBP goes after him. Red Bean makes him promise that this will be the last time. He gently reminds her to be at the airport tomorrow morning at 9am, and kisses her.
At zee château, things are going a bit more smoothly for James. Well, it starts off slick, then turns to slippy sloppy.
Still, he manages to make it in undetected. As he tiptoes across the room, he is suddenly grabbed from behind! Gasp! C’est RBP. Whaaa? How was he there already?! No time for questions! They scurry to find zee painting and wind up in a wine cellar. Realizing that it just houses cheap wine, they deduce that the switch must be hidden within the bottles.
The two do eventually end up on the same side. Of course, one does not simply walk into a room and pop a priceless painting off zee wall. Certainly not when the floor is… electricity!?
RBP struggles to hold on to James, griping about his weight and how James better not fart in his face (Haha hashtag heist hiSTINKS). Ahh, what’s comedy in an HK movie without toilet humour? Nevertheless, with enough grunting and swaying…
Woohoo! The boys barrel through the wine cellar, but James stops abruptly just as they get to the next room. He smashes open a bottle of red. To celebrate? Oh no, don’t be silly.
This is all so absurd and so un-Woo-like. So incongrWOOus? (Haha, I’m the worst. The WOOrst? Okay, okay, I’ll stop. For now.) But I also love how game CYF is to make a complete ass of himself. He could easily coast on being the cool guy, but he happily plays the goofball.
With one last laser to clear, RBP proposes to finish off with flair.
Unfortunately, their sans souci avec zee painting is cut short when zee château guards catch sight of them and open fire as the two make a run for their car. They manage to get away but James catches a bullet to the shoulder. On the cliffside overlooking zee Riviera as the sun starts to come up, RBP tends to James’ wound. He shakes his head at James, reproving him for attempting to do the job by himself. James confesses he did it for Red Bean, but RBP brushes it off and chirps that it benefits all three of them. Exasperated, James criticizes RBP for treating his friends better than his girlfriend. RBP cracks that he treats both of them equally well. Oh RBP, so emotionally unavailable. Who hurt you so much that you can’t seem to let your guard down? Oh right, the whole orphan thing. (To be fair, Red Bean and James are also unavailable. They just swing the other way on the attachment scale, but y’know, basically every love triangle or will-they-won’t-they dynamic is a romanticized mess. It’s not good for your sanity, but it’s great for drama! Hashtag hindsight 20/20 in 2020. Hashtag therapy ruins romcoms.) James rolls his eyes and asks if RBP seriously thinks he treats Red Bean well. RBP balks at the question. He’s been very clear about who he is. He’s a free spirit! He simply loves without clinging! James calls bullshit, so RBP reminds him that he’s currently wounded, then swiftly knocks James out to remove the bullet.
The morning light bathes the sky as James comes to. RBP asks if he’s feeling better. He nods. They get up to head to the airport, but something in the wind changes… Sacré bleu, c’est an ambush! Mr. Burton orders his men to kill RBP and James and get zee painting. Qu’est-ce que le fuck? Pourquoi?! Simply because he didn’t want to pay the deux million? Does Foster Dad want them dead? No time for questions! Bullets are flying and our anti-heroes are trying to avoid dying!
As far as Woo shootout/chase sequences go, this is less… high-impact and high-speed than usual. Maybe Euro stuntmen just aren’t willing to go as hard?
The cars also appear light as feathers. They glide when they collide, sound and crumple like tin cans, and slow to a roll.
While it’s missing the chaos and destruction, the style is very much still there, and Leslie Cheung gets to spin, roll, and dive like the best of them. RBP does his best to hold off Mr. Burton’s men so that James can ride off to the airport avec zee painting, but James gets bumped off by a car.
Severely outnumbered, James dodges bullets from every which way, blasting back with everything he has.
But then he gets trapped by heavy machine-gun fire. RBP watches helplessly behind the wheel, so… he fucking guns it.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. (Not again!)
James stumbles through the airport doors and breaks the news to Red Bean. She is devastated. Cue the grieving montage: Tears streaming down Red Bean’s face. James looking distraught. Plane taking off. Exterior shots of Hong Kong and Victoria Harbour. Red Bean mourning on the couch. Flashback to fun times with RBP. James mourning by the aquarium. James stealing art. James getting paid by Foster Dad. James stealing some more. Flashback to more fun times. James running through the woods. James and Red Bean running through the woods. Laughing. Cavorting. Kissing! Then making out!!
Oops. Yeah, Red Bean still cravin’ Pudding despite now being married to James. Women be cha boh 茶煲!
Meanwhile, Foster Dad accepts zee haunted painting from Mr. Burton and pays him off, then has him killed. I don’t comprends any of this either, but convoluted triple-crossing-triple-salchow drama is a must! Likewise scarves as more than accessories!
The next day, to the shock of Foster Dad, RBP shows up, alive! He’s in a wheelchair, but otherwise, dude looks great and his sweater game is 100. (Is CYF here the inspo to Aubrey Graham’s transformation from Jimmy Brooks to Drake?!) Foster Dad vows revenge on zee Frenchy who did this to his son. RBP’s just here, hoping to get a li’l financial support. He knows he’s of no use now without his legs, but after all he’s done for him, maybe…? Foster Dad mulls it over.
Godfather Cop is also on scene when this happens and rushes to RBP’s aid. Godfather Cop threatens to sue Foster Dad, but Foster Dad barks that he should be suing the staircase. RBP tells his two dads to stop fighting and like a typical survivor of abuse, says it was his fault. Oh, RBP. Nooo.
At the supermarket, James sees the back of someone familiar, rolling away in a wheelchair. He tells Red Bean he has something to take care of, and leaves to follow the man, and yup, it’s RBP. Living, breathing, and chewing smugly. And wearing another fab sweater.
James and Red Bean stop by Foster Dad’s, who needs James to help him steal a painting — specifically zee haunted painting that’s hanging on the wall upstairs. Foster Dad waves off their questions and excitedly says that when the painting was lost, it tripled in value, so he’d like for it to go “missing” again. It’s just too bad RBP’s too crippled to help. Red Bean’s eyes widen. She thought he was dead! Foster Dad is shocked she doesn’t know since James saw RBP. Didn’t James tell her?! For shame, James.
So Red Bean gets Godfather Cop to take her to see RBP.
They greet each other like the old friends they are, and he offers to give her a tour and pulls her onto his lap. He smiles and says he can’t feel anything (Except the ache in his heart!), so it’s all good. His house is the perfect tranquil space— it’s everything Red Bean wanted — full of lush greenery with an observatory, a botanical garden, and a bird sanctuary. Oh, and in his spare time, he paints, plays computer games, and exercises!
He’s about to take her into the kitchen when she stops him to reveal that she’s actually here because she wants him to help James. She’s worried he’ll run into trouble like last time. RBP shrugs. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, it’s more of whether James would even want his help. Red Bean beams. She knew she could count on him. As she leaves, his parrot, Bobo, squawks RBP’s pet name for Red Bean. RBP jokes that Bobo’s gone mad; his girlfriend left him for a crow recently. She smiles, remarking he hasn’t changed that much.
At an auction, Foster Dad watches with approval as James hangs back for an opportunity to slip past security to where zee painting is being held. As the bid for a camel statue starts, out rolls RBP, who winks at James. Foster Dad is not pleased. They get into a bidding war while exchanging terse words under tight smiles. Foster Dad then threatens to break RBP’s arms if he raises his hand again. RBP smirks and backs off.
Foster Dad’s men grab RBP and this creates enough of a commotion for James to sneak past the guards and create his own diversion to get a good look at the security measures safeguarding zee painting.
Over dinner at RBP’s house, RBP asks James and Red Bean if they’ve talked about having kids yet. James says they wanna wait ’til this job is done. If it’s a boy, they’ll call him Banana Roll 香蕉糕 (in Canto, it’s a play off “Red Bean Pudding 砵仔糕”); a girl, Smarties 聰明豆 (literally “smart bean”, and obviously a play off “Red Bean 紅豆”). So ca-uuute! RBP wonders if they want him to be the godfather and the two are like, duh, who else. Though Red Bean adds that means he’ll be coming with them to the States as that’s where they wanna settle down. But before they can discuss further, Godfather Cop comes out singing happy birthday. It’s RBP’s birthday and Red Bean made a cake to mark the occasion! RBP is naturally suspicious…
The trio attend a charity ball, where the auction house director, Stanley Wu (played by Wu Fung 胡楓), whose keys they need to access the vault, is present. They need to get close enough to him. But how? You can’t just waltz up to him and grab the keys! …Or can you?
James steps in and they tango away.
While James makes an imprint of the keys, RBP and Red Bean take over the dance floor. CYF’s core strength impresses yet again.
James returns, just as Wu wonders where his keys are. Whew!
Keys in hand and plans in place, RBP and James make their move.
Outside, RBP sits in a van and instructs James through an earpiece. But in the middle of trying to crack the vault, Godfather Cop throws open the van’s doors and demands to know if they’re trying to steal zee painting. RBP lies that he’s on-air for a charity broadcast for handicapped children and discloses the rest of the combination to the vault to James by cleverly rattling off riddles. He then tells Godfather Cop that he’s actually been having to go pee, so it’d be great if he could cover for him. Godfather Cop is happy to help, and relieved they’re not trying to steal zee painting ’cause the auction house just updated their security system so if zee painting is removed, it will trigger the vault to close. Ruh-roh! RBP scrambles to help James but… stairs. And sure enough, James gets trapped inside the vault.
Somehow, RBP finds a way into the building, which makes sense. He did it before. Unfortunately, a lone security guard notices. He is, however, no match for RBP and his wheelchair.
With the guard taken care of, RBP rushes to the vault and slaps a bunch of C4 on the door in hopes of exploding it open. James struggles to stay conscious. RBP presses the trigger, but the wall next to the door blows up instead. He mutters to himself, confused.
RBP realizes he didn’t connect the wire to the right input. James doesn’t care. RBP says he can show him if he hops back in there. Ha! Oh, the silliness of it all. James ignores him and wheels him out into the hallway, but they come to an abrupt stop. Ah shit, another ambush!
My writer brain is so frustrated because this movie could be so much better, but my comedy brain can’t stop giggling because this shootout is filled with dizzying, ridiculous, madcap moments. Props to CYF, Leslie Cheung, and the HK stuntmen for all bringing it.
RBP and James are stoked.
Oh, it gets better.
But then, they get caught in a barrage of bullets from one last dude. Out of explosives, RBP tosses his shoe like a bomb.
The next day, RBP calls Foster Dad and demands he bring $30 million over to his place in exchange for zee painting. He’s all, fuck family, this is business now. YEAH!
Foster Dad enters RBP’s house with a big-ass briefcase. James and RBP greet him. They all smile tightly. Foster Dad just wants zee painting, and agrees that if they give it to him, he’ll let them go. No more stealing for him. RBP sneers at his sudden generosity. James takes the briefcase and gives Foster Dad the art tube. But as he checks the money, he discovers it’s just stacks of blank paper hidden under the Benjamins. That’s when Foster Dad pulls out a gun and shoots RBP in the legs. WHAT? The legs?! The part that doesn’t feel anything?! James reaches for his gun, but Foster Dad shoots it out of his hands. Then he keeps firing at RBP!
One son down, one to go. Foster Dad turns the gun on James.
YUP. Turns out, RBP was fakin’ it the whole time!
James can’t believe RBP lied to him, but must admit he got him good. (I’d like to really acknowledge Leslie Cheung’s performance here as he’s been such a great emotional and grounded centre throughout the entire movie. From his quiet pining and devotion to Red Bean and how his respect and fondness for RBP overrides his jealousy to the shock, fear, and hurt witnessing Foster Dad’s betrayal and the relief, irritation, and utter glee at RBP’s deception. So nicely done!) Anyway, they laugh and roughhouse, then stop when they realize Foster Dad has disappeared. Shit’s. About. To. Get. Real.
Wacky.
Instead of doubling on guns, Woo doubles on cartoon lunacy. Heroic bloodshed? More like heroic tears-shed — from laughter and disbelief!
Like, what is happening?!
Foster Dad rips open the art tube and realizes he’s also been duped. It’s just one of RBP’s bird paintings. He demands to know where zee painting is! RBP pulls a cord and above the doorframe, the curtain drops to reveal zee prized artwork. Foster Dad snaps for his men to grab it.
Foster Dad seethes and orders his men to kill RBP.
How’s James doing? Well, he too gets to show off some outrageous moves and gets accosted by Murder Magician and his card-senal.
But really, who needs cards or guns when you have a fishing rod?
For Murder Magician though, the show must go on!
Emptyhanded, he starts shooting fireballs from his sleeve. RBP grabs a bottle of vodka nearby. He takes a big gulp, and just as another fireball launches from Murder Magician’s hands, he spits out the alcohol, sending the fireball back into Murder Magician’s direction. Triumphant, RBP takes another swig but ends up wasting it when Murder Magician only pretends to throw another fireball. With nothing left in the bottle, RBP guzzles from another but discovers too late that he’s ingested… paint thinner!? Zoiks!
Murder Magician moves in for the kill. But RBP delivers one last punch!
Foster Dad commands his last couple of men to get zee painting. They reluctantly climb up and are of course, electrocuted to death. They hold on long enough though I guess for it to completely short circuit (??? I don’t know physics, but at the same time, logic isn’t a thing in this movie). Regardless, Foster Dad somehow decides it’s safe for him to go for the painting.
And while Foster Dad withers in pain from his broken kneecaps…
Godfather Cop arrives and cuffs Foster Dad. As RBP and James start walking away, he stops them. He’s a cop; he can’t just let them go. They need to finish this up. Neither RBP nor James have the heart to knock Godfather Cop out. Godfather Cop sighs and says he’ll close his eyes. With his eyes shut, RBP and James argue over who should hit him. Godfather Cop braces himself, but of course, RBP and James just leave. Aw. What a family! It’s really cute, y’all.
James meets Red Bean at the marina. She asks where RBP is and he looks at her sad. Her face falls when suddenly, RBP comes walking in! She punches him in the arm when she sees that his legs are fine. He knows they’re ready to leave, so he hands them a red bean pudding and wishes them well. What? But the three of them are supposed to leave together! RBP waxes on about how all good things must come to an end and how he’s made to roam free and alone. James rolls his eyes. Red Bean points out that he promised he was gonna be a godfather to their kids, plus she’s pregnant! Ever the smart aleck, RBP chides them for not using protection. Done with the conversation, James shrugs and calls for the boat to cast off. RBJ jumps and screams for them to wait.
As they sail off, Red Bean asks about zee painting and RBP reveals it’s been returned to the museum. Like his wheelchair-bound legs, zee painting that was set on fire was a fake!
Fast forward to a few years later: James and Red Bean have three kids and RBP is obsessed with American football.
Like, OBSESSED.
Give it up for Clown Yun-fat, everybody!
THE END.
Hahaha, oh man. There were clearly a ton of great moments, as demonstrated by the number of GIFs I made, and even some really fun banter. But together, they made for a very uneven movie. And a very bloated recap. Oops!
