Valerie Nies – Medium

Valerie Nies

Valerie Nies

My Amazon Cart Will Save Me From COVID-19

All I really want is that Bavarian licorice from the latest season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Okay, that’s a lie. What I really want is to…

Mar 25, 2020

My Amazon Cart Will Save Me From COVID-19

Mar 25, 2020

Valerie Nies
in
The Belladonna Comedy

Which Plastic Garbage Island Getaway is Right for You?

Whether for a romantic getaway or a spring break bash, make your next vacation destination a plastic garbage island.

Apr 21, 2018

Which Plastic Garbage Island Getaway is Right for You?

Apr 21, 2018

Valerie Nies

7 Essentials To Pack on Your Spiritually Transformative Solo Trip

An address book with all of your exes’ contact info. While you’re hiking the Pacific Crest Trail you’re bound to gain clarity about past…

Apr 17, 2018

7 Essentials To Pack on Your Spiritually Transformative Solo Trip

Apr 17, 2018

Valerie Nies
in
Slackjaw

Thinking of Quitting Your Safe Middle Management Job to Pursue a Comedy Writing Career?

Your mother. She suggests going into accounting. Unless comedy writing is a good place to meet a husband.

Mar 15, 2018

Thinking of Quitting Your Safe Middle Management Job to Pursue a Comedy Writing Career?

Mar 15, 2018

Valerie Nies

Trendy Restaurant Descriptions for the Ordinary Food You Eat

French fries Hand-cut parsley potato twiggies

Mar 14, 2018

Trendy Restaurant Descriptions for the Ordinary Food You Eat

Mar 14, 2018

Valerie Nies

A Neurotic Woman Does Guided Meditation

Slow your mind. Visualize distractions floating away on a cloud… A puffy cumulus cloud. Not a rain cloud. It hasn’t rained for months…

Mar 13, 2018

A Neurotic Woman Does Guided Meditation

Mar 13, 2018

Valerie Nies

Two immigrants came to my house and tore out my old white privileged bathtub today.

He would like to buy a home in Antigua but worries he wouldn’t have any savings left. (I can and have imagined)

Jun 23, 2017

Two immigrants came to my house and tore out my old white privileged bathtub today.

Jun 23, 2017

Valerie Nies

Valerie Nies

Gluten enthusiast. McSweeney’s, Reductress, Slackjaw, The Belladonna, Robot Butt. Poetry in Rattle, Drunk Monkeys, etc. | valerienies.com

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