ILLUSIONS ALSO MAKE YOU SUFFER
Looking at it in perspective, I think it was the first decision the ego made for me that twisted everything.
You should know that my love for reading was instilled by my father from a very early age. Letters call me, letters speak to me and I listen to them.
My interests have ranged from reading, writing, philosophy, psychology, nutrition, teaching, entrepreneurship, and ending in art and beauty in general.
With all this cocktail on my hands, it seemed like the most obvious career choice for me was engineering, How about it?
What was I thinking at the time to take such a path so far away from my skills and hobbies?
First of all, I must clarify that no one forced me, I chose my path by myself. It was an accumulation of beliefs (all clichés) that led me to it.
For some reason I thought I would disappoint my family and professors if I chose something unconventional, I thought I would get rich being an engineer (insert sarcastic laughter here), I was not very clear about what I wanted, I didn’t know myself, I thought I would do better taking the “safe” path, etc.
I believed that the profession would give me a place in the world, a position in the system, that somehow my future and economic stability would already be secured.
“Study hard, work hard, get a profession, that’s the most important thing”.
Careful, this is not about regrets, let’s not misunderstand each other, but itis true that now I can clearly see how back then my decisions were not aligned at all with my true interests and desires.
So, as you can imagine, the conflicts escalated from there.
I started in chemical engineering, I thought I liked it, until I got to a point where I didn’t even understand how it would all be of practical use to me in reality. When I understood it, I realized that it was definitely “not my thing”, so I asked to change to industrial engineering.
This was a more business-oriented curriculum and, in addition to that, some friends were already studying it, so I felt very comfortable with the change.
Over time I felt it was the right decision and the university experience is one of the most beautiful memories I have, I still have most of my friends from that time and of course my husband who I also met there.
After a few years, as expected, came the long-awaited graduation.
“I have made it, from now on things will be easier, they will be better, the sacrifice will have been worth it, money will no longer be a problem.”
One of these good friends took me to the company where he was working.
I started practicing in industrial safety, it was my first “steady job” experience, before that I had already had some in the same area, but very briefly. I was there for almost two years. I remember that the days passed very slowly.
The company was small, small staff, small workload and small salary. My position was mostly a formality.
During the last months the boredom was unbearable, I could not make sense of what I was doing, everything seemed useless, I had no purpose, I saw that I had already reached a limit, there was no growth, no development, no progress, I was stagnant, it seemed to me that my life was going nowhere and I needed to do something, take action, make a decision, I needed to feel that I was moving in some direction.
So I quit.
There were bitter months that followed….
Locked up, dependent, penniless, lost, adrift. It was not the first time, nor would it be the last, that I would feel that way.
I had placed the expectations of much of my peace, happiness and security in the area of work, I had obtained the profession, the title, the job, but something was missing, the void had not been filled.
I began to suspect that life had prepared a very different path for me than the one I had imagined.
The “Plan” I had and the one I had grabbed hold of to resign, was falling apart without mercy.
The reality of the country hit us and left us unconscious for a while, but that is another story and it is called MIGRATION.
