ILLUSIONS ALSO MAKE YOU SUFFER.
I had managed to get out of a relationship that did not make me happy, I was renting an apartment by myself, which I could afford because I had a good job, I lived in Punta Cana and I was single. This was definitely a new chapter for me.
It had been a long time since I had known what it was like to be without a partner, I have a rather introverted personality, so anything that had to do with parties, going out, noisy and/or crowded places, etc., was not and had never been in my plans or interests.
However, I did believe that at this stage I should be much more open to meet new things, to expose myself to situations and people different from what I was already used to.
Besides, I felt it was really necessary, since I had no friends or family nearby, I spent a lot of time alone.
In my mind I had very well put together scenarios of how my single life would be super interesting, how it would be enriched by all the new places and people I would meet, all the new and exciting experiences I would have.
It was certainly looking good, no one could say otherwise.
I had convinced myself that one of the reasons my marriage had failed was because of how naive and inexperienced I was, so there was no doubt that this would be the perfect time to make up for lost time and experience everything I hadn’t before.
Everything was going great!
The only thing was that I was losing more and more weight, I couldn’t get rid of the pain in my feet or the pressure in my chest, and every Sunday I had anxiety attacks about having to start another week the next day.
Opportunities, exciting outings and interesting people never showed up. And even if they had, I didn’t have the strength or energy to take advantage of them.
With the money I earned, I did what money does, paid utilities, helped my family, bought things. I made commitments that I should not have made and the only thing I did not do was what I should have done, save.
During those days I also had the full “bachelorhood experience”, something very exciting that I had never experienced before and that I was glad to have experienced, but that did not alleviate one bit of the cold, emptiness and sadness I felt, on the contrary, in a way it made me feel it more vividly.
As masochism has never been my thing (you know that the only thing I ask is not to suffer), I turned away from “it” and concentrated on surviving every day the emotional and physical pain I was experiencing (and which I believed I could not avoid).
If I had everything I had wanted, why wasn’t I happy? why didn’t I feel peace? Why did it hurt so much to live?
I was getting closer and closer to getting answers.
But first we would have to go a little further back in time….
