Trans at Work
So, I came out as trans/non-binary to a co-worker, and let them know I’d be starting hormone therapy soon. This was someone I really like. Someone very liberal.
I did this I think for 2 reasons:
1. To test the waters of what it might be like to come out in general.
2. And, as I’ve started taking T, I have a little anxiety of how this’ll go in the workplace. My job involves interacting with individuals from very rural areas who may not have all that much exposure to LGBTQ folks. It’s been challenging enough to navigate a fairly conservative client base while being queer and covered in tattoos…so, I worry things might get even more awkward if I have boobs, a beard, and a deep voice. Yeeeesh.
The co-worker asked a few questions during our chat, that in the aftermath, I find myself wishing I’d answered a bit differently.
Their questions:
Isn’t they/them plural?
If you don’t identify as male, why put your body through all that?
Why do you feel you need to tell people at all? It’s your business right? I mean, I don’t tell people I’m a girl/boy.
Clearly I need a little practice or at least to be more prepared in the future.
My responses in general were a bit rambly and just not as concise as they could have been. I tried to use an example of if they’re emailing back and forth with a client that they do not know the gender of. This co-worker said in that case they’d say him/her. I also tried to talk about gender presentation using examples that I still think were too close to binary rules, and worst of all, with the third question I feel like I just kind of mumbled
“Yeah…I guess that’s true.”
Fuck that.
Here’s what I wish I said:
To question 1: They/Them is used all the time by everyone in our daily lives. Imagine you walk into the break room and someone has dropped a car key on the ground. Would you really relay this information saying:
“Hey, someone dropped his or her key in the break room. I put the key on the counter next to the coffee maker in case he or she goes looking for it.”
No. That feels a little clunky doesn’t it? You’d say:
“Hey, someone dropped their key in the break room. I put the key on the counter next to the coffee maker in case they go looking for it.
To question 2: Because I want to and it’s my body? Because I don’t identify as female either, and I feel as though taking hormones is a crucial step in helping to align my outer appearance with who I truly am.
To question 3: Because no one should feel they have to hide who they truly are for fear of rejection/discrimination. If I’m allowed to be my full, authentic self without fear than this will improve interpersonal relationships and allow me to feel safe in the workplace.
The conversation really dampened my spirit for hours afterward. I’m not sure what I expected, but it no way made me feel supported or affirmed. I think the co-worker meant well, but I also think lack or exposure and education lead so many of us to ask and say things that can feel really invalidating to someone like myself — who’s honestly looking for acceptance in these really nerve-wracking and uncertain times.
I think, though, what I really, really need to hold close is that I do not owe anyone an explanation. My life. My body. My choice.
Easier said in hindsight of course, but I learn and grow every day.