The Definitive Perry Power Rankings
Where does Perry Ellis fit in?
Perry Ellis finished his long and storied Kansas career with a whimper on Saturday with just 4 points and 4 turnovers in 34 minutes, totally ineffective in Kansas’s upset loss to Villanova in the Elite 8. Ellis and his old man game and receding hairline have been a social media favorite all season.
He’s a 22-year-old with a 45-year-old’s game playing in a 75-year-old’s body. He’s played at Kansas so long that he can recall the good ol’ days with Wilt Chamberlain and he probably taught James Naismith the game of basketball.
With his career in the books, I wondered where Ellis stacks up among the all time Perry’s. Without further ado, your updated Definitive Perry Rankings…
20. Steve Perry, Englishman
This particular Steve P. worked with a vulcanized rubber manufacturing corporation in London. He invented and patented the rubber band. Hey, all lists gotta start somewhere.
19. The Band Perry
Technically The Band P. is Kimberly, Neal, and Reid, but they need all three members to make this list. You might recognize The Band P. from such hits as “If I Die Young” and… ok that’s probably it. Bury me in satin, indeed. Irony.
18. Perry Mastodon
Admittedly a bit of a homer pick, the P. Mastodon is the most complete mastodon skeleton in North America. He was discovered in 1963 and currently lives on campus at Wheaton College (Illinois). At least I think all of that is true, because I must have heard his stupid tape recording 15,000 times through the open window during every math class I ever took.
17. Perry Ellis, fashion
That’s right, there are TWO famous dudes named P. Ellis. Or at least there are purported to be two. This one was an American fashion designer from the mid-1970s. His clothing was “classic with a twist” and his company is now worth over $80 million. This P. Ellis supposedly passed away in 1986… which seems like a very convenient cover story because that’s also right about when Kansas P. Ellis broke onto the scene with Danny and the Miracles. Have YOU ever seen both Perry Ellises (Ellisies? Elles? Ellisi?) in the same room at the same time? Didn’t think so.
16. Perry White
P. White is an Editor-in-Chief for a major news outlet where he has incredibly held his post since 1940. He’s worked in television, film, animation, and books as a central figure of the Daily Planet. P. White was most recently seen putting the bust in blockbuster film Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. That’s of course because P. White is the fictional Editor-in-Chief at Metropolis in Superman’s world. Great Caesar’s ghost indeed!
15. Gaylord Perry
You know this dude is old because no one has named their kid Gaylord for at least a century. Gaylord P. was a pitcher that won 300+ games and had 3500+ strikeouts among nine teams he played for. He was the first pitcher ever to win a Cy Young in both leagues and is now in the Hall of Fame. But in classic Perry style he’s probably most remembered for what he couldn’t do- hit a ball. His manager supposedly joked at one point, “They’ll put a man on the moon before he hits a home run.” On July 20, 1969, about an hour before Neil Armstrong’s giant leap for mankind, Gaylord hit his first home run.
14. Perry the Platypus
You may remember Agent P from that time one Netflix told you Phineas and Ferb was a 4.9 star show you were sure to love and you should definitely give it a chance and you gave it a chance and you shouldn’t have given it a chance. Agent P seems innocent enough on the surface, but he secretly leads an animal espionage gang against his nemesis Dr. Doofenshmirtz. He’s also the only P. you can purchase as a plush toy, so there’s that.
13. Oliver Hazard Perry
That’s Commodore Oliver Hazard P. to you. The Notorious O.H.P. was a real American hero a couple hundred years ago. He commanded the ships at the Battle of Lake Erie and led the US to a major victory against Britain in what would end up being the turning point in the War of 1812. Like, this dude is a big deal. But this is the updated list and it’s been 200 years and only Kansas P. was around that long ago and he’s timeless, so.
12. Rick Perry
Rick P. became the 47th governor of Texas when George W. Bush resigned to become President. He made an ill-fated attempt at the 2012 Republican nomination for President, leading the early polls before failing miserably in the debates, finishing fifth in the Iowa caucus, dropping out of the race, and endorsing Newt Gingrich. After that raging success Rick P. decided to run again for this year’s nomination, shockingly failed again, and was the first in a field of approximately 8,000 candidates to withdraw. AND HE IS THE 12TH BEST PERRY EVER. Kids, don’t grow up to name your children Perry.
11. Perry Ellis, basketball
Kansas P. scored 1798 points in his career, which comes out to only about eight per season because 1798 was coincidentally also the year he was born. Kansas P.’s teams were eliminated by 2 Villanova, 4 Michigan, 7 Wichita State, and 10 Stanford which technically means this is the most successful he’s ever been. Imagine if your best ever effort at something still made you a total abject failure. Tough life. I warned you not to pick Kansas. So why is he still #11? Cuz you’d have gotten confused if he was the 829th ranked P. and then the next one on the list was #19. But hey, he’s still ahead of Rick P.
10. Luke Perry
You probably know Luke P. better as Dylan McKay from the original Beverly Hills, 90210. Dylan and Kelly were on-again-off-again and Dylan was mostly a loner until his father got out of prison but then his dad got killed by the Mafia only Jack wasn’t actually dead but Dylan got into alcohol and drugs and the whole thing was a mess. Oh, spoiler alert.
9. Perry Como
P. Como is a pretty big deal to old people. He was a singer and television personality with a weekly musical variety TV show. He’s got 5 Grammy’s, an Emmy, a Peabody, and 3 stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Not bad.
8. Tyler Perry presents Tyler Perry!
Tyler was born Emmitt P. Jr. but changed his name, probably because it would have been even more obnoxious to have “Emmitt Perry Jr. presents!” in front of every thing he’s ever produced, and that’s saying something. Tyler P. is a director-writer-producer-actor. Those are not slashes or hyphens, they’re actually minus symbols, because that’s how bad he is at everything. Basically the more that Tyler P. has his hands on a project, the less funny it gets… and he usually plays multiple characters in each of his own productions, if you catch my drift. Credit where it’s due though: at least he labels all his crap “Tyler Perry presents!” so the rest of us know immediately to avoid it.
7. Steve Perry, Journeyman
Steve P. was the lead singer in the fantastic band Journey with a laundry list of classics including but not limited to: Any Way You Want It, Wheel in the Sky, Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’, Faithfully, and of course Don’t Stop Believin’. It is a legitimate national tragedy that teens and 20s only know these songs because of Glee and Rock Band, and not because of Steve P.’s incredible voice.
6. Paris, pronounced in a poor Midwestern French accent
Ah, the City of Light. You’ve got the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, Versailles, the Arc de Triomphe, Notre Dame Cathedral, and about a million other things to do in Paris. And look, they’re all clearly better than everything else on this list by every person actually called P., but definitive ranking rules state that poor mispronunciations can’t make the top five. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. My sister went to Paris once. She brought me back a baseball. It’s pretty cool.
5. Perry Mason
P. Mason is arguably the greatest lawyer to ever walk the face of this earth, though Courtney B. Vance’s Johnnie Cochran is giving him a run for his money. The P. Mason book series ranks third in all time sales behind only Harry Potter and Goosebumps, and the books inspired TV’s first hour-long weekly series. P. Mason was a criminal defense lawyer who repeatedly solved unsolvable murder cases by implicating another character who confessed to everything, thus setting the pattern for every future CBS show ever.
4. Matthew Perry
Matthew Perry has been in a whole heap of failed television including Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, Mr. Sunshine, Go On, and probably more. But none of that matters because he always was and will always be Mr. Chandler Bing (Bing!). Joey was the flirt, Phoebe was the goof, Ross was relatable, and Rachel and Monica were hot, but Chandler was the funny guy we all loved. Chandler had estranged parents and worked as a transponster and he was ridiculous and hilarious. Just look at him, he’s Chandler Bing- could he *BE* any more absurd??
3. Dr. Perry Cox
Dr. Percival Ulysses Cox is the senior attending physician at Sacred Heart on Scrubs. He is sarcastic and mean and quick-witted and brilliant, and he repeatedly brings J.D. to his knees while mentoring him the whole way. There are pages and pages of the Internet filled with all of Dr. Cox’s wisdom. He’ll make a man out of you… but it won’t be easy: “Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren’t ‘see ya’, then the third word will be ‘Oh, my God, my crotch, you’ve punched me in the crotch.’” In a strange twist, my senior roommate in college was a direct amalgamation of Matthew P. and Dr. P. Cox.
2. Katy Perry
Katy P. began as nothing more than a teenage dream when she kicked off her singing career in Santa Barbara at age 17 as Katy Hudson. Her solo album debuted to hot n cold reviews but she kept singing anyway. It was only after her California gurls convinced her to change her surname to P. that the real firework show began. Once a dark horse in the world of music, Katy left sharks in the dust as her career took off with a roar! You can now hear her music everywhere and follow her career nightly on ET. Part of me wishes I kissed a girl last Friday night, but alas, I was home watching basketball.
1. William “The Refrigerator” Perry
William P. weighed in at 350 pounds for the Chicago Bears, which is probably only possible if a good chunk of his stomach got stuck on the scale like Homer over there. William is an unequivocal American hero. He ate as much as he wanted, played defense for the greatest football team of all time, scored a touchdown as a fullback in that Super Bowl, and was nicknamed The Fridge without any hint of irony or judgment. Beyond that William P. also competed in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, appeared on The A Team, participated in a battle royale at WrestleMania 2, and was immortalized as a G.I. Joe action figure. And of course he was a centerpiece of the epic Super Bowl Shuffle. William P. is the American dream, and we are all just living in it. Congratulations Fridge- you’re the greatest Perry of all time.
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