Are You A Good Friend? (Six Ways to Build Better Friendships)
Embracing Connection (16/52)
This article is a part of a year-long series covering the most critical areas of life, meant to inspire action so you can determine what works best for you. I’m providing structure, trusted ideas, thought-starters, and challenges — see bottom of this post — to help me and several hundred others define how to Rewire their thinking and habits to live their Life on Purpose.
Money is good. Cars are good. Traveling is good. But none of this has much meaning in your life without great relationships.
Spouses, family members, colleagues, mentors…they all add meaning to your life. However, some of the more meaningful relationships we have are with friends. These are the people you confide in, go on adventures with, and do life together.
They make the hard times easier to bear, and the fun times more enjoyable.
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”― Anaïs Nin
Before going further, I pose a question:
When we were kids, our parents taught us how to be a better friend. How to share, make nice, be respectful, to say kind words.
Now, many of us teach those same skills to our kids.
But what about us? How are our friendships, and how are our friendship skills?
Are we still playing nice? Are we being selfish in our friendships? Do we still kick sand on the other person (metaphorically speaking) while playing in the sand box of life? Are we controlling the play, or do we allow the other person to be themselves? Do we spend time with our friends? Do we truly and deeply listen? Are we empathetic?
As adults, our friendships need to be more than what they were as kids or as teenagers. Our friendships should show us trust, forgiveness, gratitude, honesty, support, commitment, and respect.
Here is some simple advice: If you want a friend, be a friend. If you want more meaningful friendships, be an intentional friend — create more meaningful moments and have more meaningful discussions.
What a friendship can be
Good friendships are based on common interests, history, shared values, and compassion for one another.
Further, the people around us, particularly our friends, shape who we become.
There has been interesting research that helps frame the impact our friendships can have on our life.
- They give us confidence and improve our sense of self.
- They bolster and create our self-identity, the way we see ourselves.
- They give us purpose and belonging.
- They influence our behaviors — they can make us overweight, help us quit smoking, or make us more active.
According to Aristotle, there are three types of friendships:
- Utility — based on some exchange of benefit (business, networking, etc.)
- Pleasure — enjoyment in a mutual interest (sports, college friends, etc.)
- Virtue — based on shared values and respect (lifelong friends that support one another)
“Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is slow-ripening fruit.” -Aristotle
Building better friendships
Certain friends will fall into each of the different types of friendships that Aristotle describes.
As we think about evolving our friendships from one stage to the next — or healing existing relationships — we should consider the following:
Take ownership in the friendship.
Some folks just aren’t as good at reaching out as others. They may have been hurt in the past, or they may not understand what’s required to build a strong friendship. Take the initiative.
Commit to their happiness
A meaningful friendship is built on mutual support and empathy for one another. Put your heart into their mission, and they will do the same for you.
Give them the hard truths
Some of our closest friends also tell us the hardest things to hear. And yet we keep them close. There is a balance to this, but be willing to share (and hear) the hard truths.
Be a good influence and respect their values
Friends don’t make friends do things that are out of their character. They respect the values and principles of the other person. They help them become the best version of themselves. There is no peer pressure or coercing them. Just respect.
Be present
I’m more likely to invest in a friend that listens to me and makes me feel heard. The only way to do this is to be fully present with the other person. When you’re together, commit. Be all in. Put your full focus on them, like they are the only person in the world.
Invest in the relationship
We invest time and money in what is important to us — whether investing in our education, our business, or our friendships.
A study from the University of California showed that students who paid their way through college — all or partial — gave them skin in the game. They were more likely (compared to those whose parents bankrolled their education) to avoid distractions like partying and to receive higher grades.
Their investment was a valuable tool for achieving academic success.
Friendships are an expense line in our budget. Whether it’s simply spending time together or participating in activities, there is typical some expense involved.
THE CHALLENGE
This week, we’re investing in our friendships
Choose a friend. It can be a good friend or an old friend.
As you were reading this article, a particular friend or two probably came to mind. Choose that friend. Trust your instinct and intuition. There is a reason they came to mind.
Now invest in the relationship. It can be something simple like buying them lunch. Perhaps you buy them a gift. Or maybe you pay for their next round of golf. Show them your commitment to the friendship, and then just enjoy time together.
If you can’t squeeze the activity in this week, then simply get it on the schedule.
This is the type of investment that pays rewards beyond what can be described in words. Go out and build better friendships, because you and your friends deserve it.
To Your Success,
Will
