Ignite Your Success: Relationships That Expand Your Reality and Your Future

Embracing Connection (15/52)

Connection is probably the most important topic we can cover. More than gratitude, wellness, integrity, etc. Here’s why: Your relationships can dictate your level of progress in any other area of your life.

Relationships are fundamental to our lives. I set this up in my initial post on connection, as well.

But think about it…every book, article, or talk on self-help, personal growth, professional development, or entrepreneurship has one common through line — relationships matter.

Let’s not fool ourselves. Some of our relationships hold us back. Or, at a minimum, by being complacent in developing our relationships, we’re unable to take our growth to the next level.

We know we need love and connection. This can come from our spouse, friends, family, and others. But, we also need relationships that challenge and stretch us.

This article asks us to examine our relationships and consider forming new ones that enable us to grow and achieve our goals and intentions.

A note before moving on: This article is a part of a year-long series covering the most critical areas of life. This content is meant to inspire action so you can determine what works best for you. I’m providing structure, trusted ideas, thought-starters, and challenges — see bottom of this post — to help me and several hundred others define how to Rewire their thinking and habits to live their Life on Purpose.

Relationships of convenience

All of us have relationships of convenience. There’s nothing wrong with it. But, where we can get trapped is when all we have are relationships of convenience.

What are relationships of convenience?

These are the relationships we form out of proximity and similarity.

Proximal relationships are those we form with neighbors, colleagues, or in other activities we pursue. The people we “run into” throughout our day. Relationships we base on similarity are with those who are like us. Those we identify with.

In fact, some research suggests we even choose relationships based on similar physical characteristics such as wearing glasses, having tattoos, or hair color.

Birds of feather flock together. It’s a true statement.

A significant amount of research has proven this idea. And, marketers can even target people based on zip code. Companies are capable of knowing not only basic demographic details about us based on the zip code we live in, but they can easily predict our lifestyle, behaviors, and attitudes.

We choose these relationships because they are comfortable. They are easier and less threatening.

Here’s an example: If you join a running group, you will naturally connect with people simply because you are showing up. Those you’re likely to connect with most are the ones that are similar to you. If you’re new to running, you will probably connect with the other new runners. We won’t naturally connect to the most athletic, fastest runner. That may seem too distant of a relationship for us.

I’m not suggesting that relationships of convenience are bad. In fact, I believe we can find some of our best relationships this way. Those we can be vulnerable with, trust, and love.

But, some of these relationships may not be healthy for us.

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” — Jim Rohn

We also need relationships that expand our reality

The people we spend time with will affect our consciousness level, as well as our beliefs and behaviors. They can lift you up or pull you down.

When we buy a new watch or a new pair of shoes, we feel a certain level of confidence when we first wear them. This confidence can transfer to our actions. We speak confidently, we set better priorities, and we interact better with others.

At least for a while.

These material items fade. They physically fade, and the affects they have on our mindset dissipates.

But relationships can have a similar, yet more powerful, affect. When we surround ourselves with people who hold us to a higher standard, we become better.

• If you are surrounded by people who complain, are anxious, and find excuses for not pursuing their desires, how will it affect you? You’ll take on those same patterns of thinking.
• If you surround yourself with people who are creative and consistently pursuing their dreams, what will you think about? You too will begin to become more creative and be motivated to pursue your dreams.
• If you surround yourself with entrepreneurs, what will you become? An entrepreneur.
• If you surround yourself with people who are full of joy and have a strong sense of peace for life, what will happen? You will feel more joy and peace.

We need to identify these people in our lives and reach out to them.

A great boss or manager can be a mentor, but we need others. Bosses have an angle. They want you to do better for them, for the company. In the process you may become better as well. But we need someone with an objective point of view. Someone who can help us grow where we need to grow.

We need mentors. We need coaches. We need instructors. Yes, in some cases, we may need to hire a coach for a particular area to achieve the growth we want.

At any rate, we need to have the courage to approach these people and make them a part of our lives.

We can’t leave it to chance.

And, by having these people in our circle of relationships, we will hold ourselves to a higher standard. As will the people around us.

Another example: Continuing with the running group example, after several weeks we may notice ourselves pulling away from the “new runners” group. We have a few choices — 1) keep running with the new runners (though they will slow your progress); 2) begin to run with the more experienced runners until we reach their level; or, 3) connect with, learn, and push ourselves to run with the best, which will accelerate our learning, stamina, and results.

No choice is wrong in this example. And perhaps in some areas of life we can make the first choice, while in others we make the second or third. I would argue, however, that we should always look for opportunities to make the second and third choice.

“Our chief want in life is somebody who will make us do what we can.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

How to build the connection

This is really a personal question, and one that you will need to experiment with. Here are several approaches I’ve found to be helpful through direct or indirect experience —

• Take the risk: It’s normal to feel some fear about reaching out to new people, especially those who seem to have achieved the success you’ve been chasing. Our minds flood with fear of being rejected, or they get tied up with worry about whether or not we will be able to hold an interesting conversation. As long as we’re afraid, procrastinating, and not acting, we will never grow in the practice of building these types of relationships.
• Don’t ask someone to be your mentor (at least not at first): If there isn't an intention to pay the other person, don’t ask them to be your coach or mentor. Just like we wouldn’t ask someone to be your friend when you first meet them, we shouldn’t ask someone to be our mentor on the first meet. This can feel alarming to the other person. It can also feel one-sided. Start by asking questions. Soak up any knowledge you can from them. Ask them for advice.
• Be vulnerable: If we want someone to help us, to guide us, we need to be willing to show them who we are. Vulnerability will foster the connection we need to create a lasting relationship. Acting like we know everything is a sure way to get someone to not want to teach us anything.
• Be complementary: Everyone likes to be, well, liked. Studies have shown that when we compliment someone, they are likely to remember us as taller, thinner, and better looking. The point is, compliments go a long way in creating connection and a desire to maintain the connection.
• Support them: Be willing to support the other person and they will find ways to support you. There is a psychology principle at play here. It’s called reciprocity. When you do something for someone else, they are very likely to want to return the favor. And, likewise, when that person in turn does something for us, they will subconsciously rationalize their actions — “I like this person because I’m doing this for them.”

The most important thing to remember is to take an interest in the other person. Trying to prove you are interesting will not work. I promise you. Be curious about the other person, so much so that you barely get to talk during your first meeting — except to ask questions.

THE CHALLENGE

This week, let’s pursue a few relationships that feel a bit out of reach.

Take 5–10 minutes to identify 2–3 people with whom you want to meet.

If you’re interested in startups, and you want to meet people in the startup circle, then find those people. If you want to write, find writers that have accomplished the next goal you have for yourself. If you want to make a movie, find directors. If you want to be a better parent, find other parents that seem to have it figured out.

Now, reach out. Reach out directly, or find someone who knows the other person to make an introduction.

Don’t think. Make it happen.

To Your Success,

Will