Communication: It’s a Two Way Street
Sometimes, it’s like talking to a brick wall. You’ve been as clear and concise as you could be, but he still doesn’t get it. You’ve even tried being terse, expansive, redundant, loquacious, but still… you just can’t get through to him.
Maybe it wasn’t quite that bad.
You told her, “I’m just trying to gather my thoughts here for a bit.” But she won’t stop talking. She’s still pelting you with funny anecdotes, recaps of conversations you don’t care about, and all manner of unnecessary drivel preventing you from focusing on what you’re trying to get done right now.
Your anger is building because he just won’t listen to you. You’re having a hard time getting on the balcony and are about to deliver some conflict management right to his face. Hold up. What’s going on here?
There’s a range of ways a person can talk, and a range in which a person can listen. If those ranges aren’t lined up… you’re headed for communications failure. Now, people will tell you that communication is the responsibility of the communicator. I’ll agree with that, for the most part. Yet, I’ll add this: it only takes one person in a two-person conversation to ensure great communication happens. That can be either the listener or the speaker.
Exploring Styles of Communication
There are a number of frameworks for characterizing people’s personalities. So many of us in the business world have been through some Myers Briggs process or another. I found that interesting, but of limited utility, whereas a friend of mine found it quite valuable. Then there’s The Color Code, which again has its proponents and opponents. To date, though, the most applicable & usable learning I’ve derived from a behavioral framework has been via DiSC.
DiSC has four axes along which an individual may be fairly strong or weak. The four behavioral traits break down into Dominance, Influence, Conscientiousness, and Steadiness. I’ve never cared too much for all those terms, but oh well. No system is perfect.
The point is, someone strong in Dominance, “a high D,” is liable to be very direct, even aggressive in their communication style. Those who are “high I” are just as likely to ask about your wife and family before asking you the question they really want the answer to. Your “high S” folks would rather avoid the discussion entirely and plan the next pot luck. And your “high C” folks will be concerned that given the deadline is in 1 week, the potluck is likely to consume 3 hours of work time … nevermind time at home, meaning the average amount of work per day across that period is going to decrease by about 5%, so we really should sit down and refactor what’s in scope here, people.
You’ve already managed to identify several friends and co-workers that exhibit some of these behaviors, I bet. And when they communicate, they do so quite differently. This FedEx commercial in which a member of the team offers a suggestion to save money, provides a fantastic example. You might describe him as “passive,” or “serene.” Two words that feature for a “high S.” His boss steps up to the plate and uses the exact same words with different body language and tone of voice. You might describe his style as “direct,” or “forceful.” You guessed it, he’s a “high D.”
Expanding Your Range
The great thing about DiSC is it does not purport to tell you who you are. It only focuses on how you behave, by default, in work situations. Once you start thinking about the way you talk or the way you listen as a specific changeable behavior, the options really open up.
If you’re a high D, could you soften your tone of voice, speak slower, and start off a conversation with “Sam, good morning. How are you doing this morning?” Of course. And it’ll feel like a giant waste of time. But if you’re talking to a high S or high I, it won’t be.
If you’re a high I, do you think you could skip the pleasantries and jump right into: “Chuck, boss needs the report by 3 so I need your input by 2. Got it?” Damn straight you could. And you’d feel like you were being rude. But if you’re talking to someone high on the Dominance axis, they’ll appreciate your being direct and not wasting what little time there is before the deadline.
Imagine your “range” of listening is the hand on the left. Your conversation partner’s “range” of talking is the hand on the right. If either pairs of fingers were able to get just a little bit wider, there’d be overlap. And once you have that capacity… to talk the way the other person is listening… or accept the way someone else is talking to you without getting frustrated, quality communication gets a whole lot easier.
That’s not to say this is an easy thing to do. It takes practice and a bit of suspension of disbelief to see it actually work before you learn to trust it. Most of us actually do some of this automatically over time as we gain experience in the workplace. But focusing on it means you can expand your communications flexibility so much faster.
I Learned This the Hard Way
I had the pleasure of working for a great boss several years ago. Let’s call him, Luke. I had less than two years of experience in a management role and had two peer managers on Luke’s team. As he took the reins from his predecessor we felt confident in his technical leadership ability and were looking forward to doing some amazing things.
It got off to a rough start. For reasons we couldn’t put our finger on, he made us uncomfortable. The three of us all felt like we couldn’t get through to Luke for one reason or another. We actually starting having regular lunch meetings every Wednesday to try to figure out what exactly was preventing us from building a high trust relationship with our boss. We still thought he was taking us in the right direction, but we had a set of personal frustrations about the relationship we struggled to wrap our heads around.
One lunch, one of my management peers, we’ll call him… Jason, sat down with a big grin, “I figured it out!” Frankly, I didn’t believe him. Troll. “No, seriously, I got through to Luke.” I was highly skeptical, “Uh-huh. How’d you swing that?”
“I told him to stop being a dick.”
“Well,” I sighed as I sat back in my chair, “I’ve enjoyed working with you.” Turns out, he wasn’t kidding. The phrase (and the word) got his attention and prompted Luke to slow down and pay close attention. They had a long conversation afterwards and addressed several of the communication issues they were having between them. Or so Jason alleged.
I, for one, wasn’t about to throw away my job like that. I was still stewing and trying to figure out what I was going to do back at the office when Luke stopped by my door. “Hey,” he said.
“Hi,” I responded. With a tone of voice that clearly indicated I didn’t want to chat at that moment. Because I didn’t.
“Everything ok?” he asked, sensing my irritation.
“No.”
“What’s wrong?”
“You.”
To this day I don’t remember the rest of that conversation. It was one of those moments where I just had to close my eyes and jump. I dropped my “work” filter. I can’t express how terrifying that was in the moment.
Sure enough, I wasn’t fired. Luke had already begun to figure out what the communication issue was and was even more sensitive to the ensuing discussion after his previous talk with Jason. A few weeks later, Jason bought him a baseball cap that said nothing but “DICK.” Presumably to warn others. He still has it.
Since then I’ve repeatedly had occasions where I needed to significantly vary how I talk. Using very soft language, using very aggressive language, and everything in between. In fact, at Luke’s subsequent job, he started “in listen mode” for the first six months because of this kerfuffle. So we all learned how to adapt a little bit from the experience.
So Now What?
Communication is hard. I often say this with a wry smile when I see communication failures that could have been easily avoided. Truth be told, though, it just is. We all have our own peculiarities in how we’d prefer to speak and how we’d prefer to listen. We all have some capacity for adapting from our “ideal,” and we all have limits.
Understanding that there are different styles for both talking and listening, learning how to detect when you need to adapt, and realizing in the first place that this is possible, significantly improve your chances at successful communication. If you’re not getting through to her or he’s not getting through to you… either way, you’re in a position to fix it. Good luck.
If you found this worth your time, consider following @reefhack on Twitter, RT, and recommend this article by clicking the heart below.
Featured on www.managermint.com The Most Valuable Business Resource
To Subscribe to our Newsletter, Click Here
