Why I Hit the Bot — Part 1
To everyone reading this — I am innocent and have been unfairly charged. This is what happened. Please don’t believe the charges, I’m being framed.
I woke up in my bed, alone. As always I had forgotten to strap myself in and was floating, my nose an inch from the ceiling. I sigh and gently push myself down, bounce, smack my head on the ceiling, go back down and up again. Arghh, I scream.
Helios: Sorry to disturb, but I heard you scream. Would you like me to fetch a medic-bot?
Me: Whaaat?
Helios: You sound disoriented. Calling medic-bot now.
Me: What happened? Who’s hurt?
Helios: Medic-bot requested. ETA — 2 minutes. Please remain calm. We are here to help. Starting preliminary diagnosis program. Can you please explain what you’re feeling?
Me: I’m perfectly fine. Why am I back here? I was at home, in bed and the sun was shining in through the window. The sun… Oh… It was a dream…
Helios: My records suggest that humans feel better when they are lying down than when they are floating. Would you like me to switch on the gravity again?
Me: Huh? Oh, yes. No, wait. Let me get down and then switch it on.
I float down and hold onto the bed. The gravity returns and I flop onto the bed.
Helios: Medic-bot has arrived.
Hyppo: Good morning. I am Hyppo, your medic-bot. How are you feeling?
Me: I didn’t ask for a medic-bot. I’m feeling fine.
Hyppo: Helios said that you were disoriented. I will do a quick scan. It will be painless.
Me: Whatever! Just get out of here. I just got up.
Hyppo: Quick scan of vitals shows no symptoms of disease. Your pulse rate is up and levels of cortisol in the blood are above the recommended level. You are stressed. Please calm down.
Me: I’m calm or I will be once you’re gone.
I curl up, my face buried in my pillow. It is soft and smells so good, so clean.
Hyppo: Continuing analysis… You have eaten 12 doughnuts, 8 pieces of pastry, 17 icecreams and 7 bars of chocolate in the past week. This is an unhealthy amount of sugar. You must cut down and eat more fruits and vegetables. Shall I create a custom balanced diet for you for the next week?
Me: No fricking way! I’m fine. I’ll exercise it off.
Hyppo: You have not visited the exercise area for 26 days, 9 hours and 14 minutes. This is below the recommended level of exercise for female humans between 25–35.
Me: Just leave. I’m fine now. I will eat properly, exercise, whatever you want. Just go now.
Hyppo: Thank you. I will leave now. I hope you were happy with my service. Please take a second to register your feedback. Please select a number from one to five stars.
Me: Helios, mark this as five stars and show the bot out. I’m going back to sleep.
Hyppo: This is inadvisable. You have just woken up and must exercise. Exercise must be followed by a proper breakfast.
Me: Shut up, will you?
Hyppo: You are stressed. Excess stress can cause health issues. Exercise and proper food is necessary.
Me: What are you? My mother? I’m a grown-ass woman and I can take care of myself. Leave. Now.
Hyppo: You are exhibiting more symptoms of stress. Recommended methods of stress relief are exercise, yoga, meditation and music.
Me: Oh God no! It is my mother!
Hyppo: Are you seeing your mother here? There is no one else here. You are suffering from delusions. My database does not contain sufficient information on delusions. Requesting for psychiatric assistance.
Me: (sighing) That was just a figure of speech. Just leave. I’m fine.
Hyppo: You are exhibiting varied mood states within a short duration. This must be diagnosed. Pyschiatric assistance has been requested. ETA 15 minutes.
Me: (exasperated) Great! I’ll talk to the psych-bot. Leave now.
Hyppo: I am sorry. I can leave only when the pysch-bot has arrived. While we are waiting, would you like me to tell you about the different stress relief methods?
I keep quiet, hoping it’ll assume I’ve gone back to sleep.
Hyppo: Please respond.
It waits a few seconds.
Hyppo: Accessing stress relief methods. The primary method is exercise. Since you have not visited the exercise area for 26 days, 9 hours and 14 minutes, I will suggest other methods. Would you like to try yoga instead? Helios, are there yoga classes nearby.
Helios: Accessing yoga class schedules. There is a new yoga class starting tomorrow in Room 73648, 73rd Floor of Block CH from 0700 hrs to 0800 hrs. Meditation is also covered in this class. Would you like me to book the class?
Me: (gritting my teeth) No classes for me. Helios, go into silent mode.
Hyppo: Please do not be agitated. I will move to the next method — music. Shall I play a classical symphony for you? Research has proven that instrumental music is more beneficial in stress reduction than music with lyrics.
Me: SHUT UP!
Hyppo: You are getting more agitated. Please calm down. Requesting emergency assistance. Would you like me to call your friends? Checking database. You have no friends within a 50km radius. Lack of physical contact with friends can also cause stress. Would you like to make new friends? Please input your interests to get a better match.
Me: YOU SOULLESS METAL FREAK!
I take the wood hairbrush my mother gave me and throw it at Hyppo. He doesn’t flinch.
Me: Who the hell are you to talk about my eating habits and social life? You are not my mother.
Hyppo: Emergency. Calling Police. Human has become violent.
I pick up the metal vase near my bed and start hitting the bot.
Me: SHUT UP! ENOUGH!
Hyppo: Initiating self-defence sequence.
Hyppo tasers me and I fall flat. The door opens and three police robots enter.
Hyppo: The human is suffering from stress and delusions and has become violent. Electric shock was administered in self-defence.
Police-bot: You are under arrest for aggravated assault on a robot and for property damage. Administering sedative due to violent tendencies.
And the next I remember, I’m in the psych ward. They told me that I have been hospitalised for violent behaviour and a case filed against me for assault and property damage.
Isn’t that messed up? But there’s more to come. In Part 2, I’ll talk about what happened next, how they tried to sue me for millions of dollars and how our legal AI system responded.
