Healthy Responses to Guilt and Shame
Ok — so we f*cked something up.
Maybe we snapped at someone. Maybe we told a harmful lie. Maybe we hurt someone’s feelings with an insensitive comment.
Most of us at this point will be feeling guilt, and possibly shame.
It’s incredibly important that we develop healthy responses to those feelings. But first, let’s have a look at the difference between the two.
Guilt
Guilt is a natural emotional response when we’ve done something harmful to ourselves or others. It’s an important emotion, in the fact that it helps us shape our moral conscience.
Having an emotional consequence to our harmful actions is necessary for us to develop into loving, caring, empathetic people.
So feeling a dose of guilt when we have lied, stolen, cheated etc is actually pretty healthy — even though it doesn’t feel very nice.
Unhealthy Guilt is when we feel guilty even though we didn’t do anything wrong. This usually comes from trying to live up to unreasonably high standards, set by oneself or by other people.
For example — If someone has been set a huge amount of work to do in a very small time frame, they might feel guilty for not completing it, even though they tried their best.
Or they might host a party and then feel guilty if someone gets too drunk and gets into a heated argument.
Healthy Guilt helps us to take responsibility for our own actions and emotions.
But Unhealthy Guilt often involves trying to take responsibility for the actions and emotions of others.
Shame
While guilt can be healthy, shame, on the other hand, cannot.
The following quote by Dr. Marilyn J. Sorensen sums up why:
“Unlike guilt, which is the feeling of doing something wrong, shame is the feeling of being something wrong.”
We know we have entered the realm of shame when we start making harsh judgements on ourselves. “I am bad. I am stupid. I am unworthy of love.”
While healthy guilt can be helpful, shame is only ever destructive.
(Note: there are many resources out there which talk about ‘healthy shame’, but if you take a look you will see that what they are referring to is, in fact, guilt.)
When we hold fundamental negative beliefs about ourselves, it feels impossible to move past them. No matter what we do we still hear that voice that says ‘you’ll never be good enough’ — and, even more dangerous — ‘so what’s the point?’
As I’ve said before, some people think they need shame in order to make positive changes in their lives. But research from Dr. Brené Brown shows that shame “corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
Shame puts up walls. It stops us from feeling able to ask for help, and makes us more likely to spiral into further harmful behaviour — which of course leads to more shame!
“Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders… Guilt inversely correlated with those things.”
Dr Brené Brown
What I find interesting about the relationship between guilt and shame is that shame can spring up from any kind of guilt — healthy or unhealthy.
Unhealthy guilt naturally lends itself to shame, because the guilt itself is already based on unreasonable self expectations. If we feel like we have to live up to impossible standards, it’s very easy for us to start thinking ‘I’m stupid, I’m incompetent, I’m worthless.’
But shame can also spring out of healthy guilt.
‘My actions were irresponsible, I regret hurting this person, I will do my best never to do that again’ can very quickly become ‘I am irresponsible, I am a bad person, I’ll slip up again because I’m inherently faulty.’
In fact — because healthy guilt is felt when someone has actually done something harmful, they might not only face shame from themselves, but also be shamed by other people.
Responding to Healthy Guilt
While feeling guilty for our wrongdoings can be healthy and useful, it’s still very easy to respond in unhealthy ways (as we’ve seen above).
So how can we keep this experience a healthy one?
1. Investigate — What Is This Guilt Telling Me?
Sometimes we start taking action to relieve ourselves of guilt before we have taken time to process it.
When we feel guilty, it is really important to take a moment to ask ourselves what it means. If feeling guilty is a growth opportunity, what is the lesson? What did we do wrong? What could we have done better?
(This investigation also helps us distinguish whether or not this guilt is healthy or unhealthy. If we find ourselves answering the question with ‘I couldn’t live up to this impossible standard’ or ‘I am responsible for other people’ — then we know we have entered unhealthy guilt territory.)
If it helps — write it down. This is particularly useful if our harmful action was habitual. By observing our actions and patterns, we make the job of finding a solution much easier.
2. Accept Responsibility
We may be very tempted to blame our actions on other people.
‘This wouldn’t have happened if they hadn’t made me angry.’
While it can be incredibly hard to handle pain, and everybody makes mistakes, our actions and reactions are our responsibility. Period.
The only thing we can control in this world is ourselves — don’t lose that power by pretending it belongs to someone else.
3. Apologise
When our actions have hurt someone else, a genuine apology goes a long way to repairing the damage we may have caused.
When we apologise, we show that person that we do understand what the rules are, and that we regret breaking them. We show them that we agree that our hurtful behaviour was not right, and that we respect them and their feelings.
(If our actions were harmful to ourselves — we can still apologise! We can say it to the mirror, we can write it down, or we can include apology-to-the-self in our meditation practice. It might feel silly, but it is a great way to show up for ourselves and give our heart a bit of nurturing.)
While we may need a bit of processing time before we can sincerely apologise, it is best done sooner rather than later, otherwise we start using the time passed as an excuse to not follow through.
When the words ‘I’m sorry’ don’t seem to cut it, try getting more specific like…
- I’m not proud of what I did
- I understand how my actions caused harm
- I’m going to work on how I can act/react differently in the future
This specificity will show the other person (or ourselves) that we are being thoughtful about what we have done, and are not just trying to resolve the conflict superficially.
4. Forgive
So, hopefully the other party will forgive us after we have apologised.
But even if they don’t, we can.
Many people struggle to forgive themselves for their wrongdoings because they feel like they are giving themselves a ‘free pass’. They are so keen to hold themselves accountable that they wind up punishing themselves.
But here’s the thing — if we treat our mind as if it is a prison, then it will become one.
We have already seen the consequences of our actions. We have already felt the difficult emotion of guilt. We have acknowledged the harmful impact of our actions and we have apologised.
All of the above is what will help us take the next positive step. But if we refuse to forgive ourselves and instead beat ourselves up, we are opening the door to shame and making it a lot harder to move forwards.
There may be some people out there who try to convince us that we should feel shame. They might not necessarily want to hurt us, but they have bought into the delusion that we need shame in order to ‘get better’, and they are projecting that worldview onto us.
We have to be strong and remind ourselves that shame is only ever destructive, and that it will be better for us (and everyone around us!) if we forgive ourselves and move on.
5. Don’t Forget
So ‘forgive and forget’ is definitely not my favourite phrase. I actually think this is why so many people have an issue with forgiving themselves — because they think it goes hand in hand with forgetting what they did!
Forgiving ourselves allows us to stop obsessing over what we did — but we still want to remember what we learnt, and we want to make the most of this growth opportunity.
If our actions were especially harmful (like stealing, violence, or cheating) then we might not have to put a lot of effort in here. We will probably never forget what the fallout of our actions were, and that might be enough to stop us from ever repeating those mistakes.
However, if our actions were a bit more mundane, like losing our temper and raising our voice, it is quite natural for us to try and bury our feeling of guilt by trying to forget it ever happened.
This also applies when our actions are habitual. The more times we do this harmful action, the more normal it feels, and the easier it is to ignore the fact that we could actually learn something from this.
While it might feel easier to sweep things under the rug, doing so denies us the opportunity to grow.
To avoid obsessing, I suggest keeping a journal and using it as a space to explore emotional development. Setting and reviewing intentions on paper is a great way to stay conscious of our mistakes in a nurturing way. Instead of punishing ourselves, we are helping ourselves to avoid difficult situations in the future.
Responding to Unhealthy Guilt
This is simpler, but also a bit more challenging.
Once we have completed step one (investigation) — and found that our guilt is a result of trying to meet impossible standards, there’s really only one thing to do about it…
Re-evaluate Those Standards
Like I said, it’s simple but not necessarily easy. When we are in the habit of carrying the world on our shoulders, it’s hard to unload that burden.
If we catch ourselves engaging with unhealthy guilt, here are a few affirmations which can help us take a U-turn back to reality.
- I am not responsible for the thoughts, feelings or actions of other people
- If other people try to blame me, I do not need to accept it
- The only thing I can control is myself
- I tried/am trying my best
However, affirmations are for the short term. If we really want to break the habit of unnecessary guilt, we need to engage in a long term self love practice.
Responding to Shame
Ok, so maybe we’re already past the guilt phase and we’re drowning in what Jungian Analysts like to call the “swampland of the soul”.
How do we find our way out of it?
Well first of all, we have to know what we’re dealing with.
1. Identify
Shame is an emotion with many physical symptoms, including churning in the stomach, heat in the neck and face, chest pressure, sweaty palms etc.
These often come accompanied by an inability to focus, disconnection with surroundings, and a whole load of negative self talk.
In Dr. Brené Brown’s book ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’, she identifies the following messages we might be receiving from ourselves as variations of the old classic: ‘I’m not good enough’.
- Who do I think I am?
- No one can ever find out about XYZ
- I’m going to pretend everything is OK
- I can change to fit in if I have to
- Taking care of them is more important than taking care of me
We can build our awareness of our own shame through any means which allow us to slow down and observe our thoughts, such as meditation, mindfulness and journaling.
Simply being more aware of our shame will make us more able to respond to it in a healthier way.
2. Explore
We don’t just need to know what we are feeling, but also why we are feeling it. While we are building our awareness, we can ask ourselves: ‘Where does this feeling come from?’
We have already discussed that we may be feeling shame in relation to guilt. But we could also be experiencing shame for entirely different reasons. We may feel like we don’t live up to societal/cultural expectations in a number of ways. This kind of shame is often interwoven with gender, race, sexuality etc.
Once we know why we are experiencing shame, we are better equipped to move onto the next step…
3. Build Self Compassion
This might sound like a bit of a tall order, especially for those of us who are experiencing a lot of shame, so it’s always good to have a system designed by an expert.
Dr Tara Brach’s book ‘Radical Compassion’ teaches us how to use a specific meditation technique which cultivates self compassion: RAIN.
Recognize what is happening
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is
Investigate with interest and care
Nurture with self-compassion
Her guided meditations take you through this process which can help you with any difficult emotions you are experiencing, including shame.
Again — building self compassion is a long term process, and involves a great deal of self care. Meditation is great, but it is even better when supported by plenty of rest, healthy food, exercise and a good dose of fun. (Giving ourselves these things is self compassion in action!)
4. Embrace Vulnerability
Oh sheesh — another tall order!
Dr. Brown says that ‘empathy is the antidote to shame’ — so we gotta get us some of that!
Of course, this involves being vulnerable, opening up, and talking about how we feel.
It’s not easy, but it gets easier with practice. (And, as a bonus, it shows the people around you that it’s OK for them to talk about their shame too.)
Top tips for getting vulnerable:
- Choose someone you trust — this will help you feel safer.
- You might be tempted to use the words ‘embarrassment’ or ‘guilt’ instead of ‘shame’. Don’t. Shame is not a dirty word. The more we use it, the more comfortable we get with it.
- Ask your trusted one to listen and accept. Tell them you don’t need or want them to talk you out of your feelings, just to hear them.
- Do what you need to do to feel safer. It’s OK if you struggle to make eye contact, or you need to be under a blanket while you talk. The important thing is that you are sharing.
In a Nutshell
- Healthy guilt (based on our harmful actions) can help us grow
- Unhealthy guilt (based on circumstances beyond our control) is unnecessary guilt
- Shame is never healthy, only destructive
We can choose healthy responses to all this turbulence by…
- Recognising growth opportunities within our harmful actions
- Taking responsibility for our actions, feelings and thoughts
- Apologising and forgiving when we know we were in the wrong
- Re-evaluating our standards to ensure that we are not taking on emotional responsibility for things beyond our control
- Building self awareness through identifying and exploring our shame
- Building self compassion using the tools at our disposal
- Embracing vulnerability and sharing
If you liked this article, check out another one of mine! ‘How to Stop Seeking Validation from Others’ is another piece which helps us build self respect, self confidence and, of course, self love.
