FICTION

What Would You Ask an Alien Predator While Being Hunted?

A terrifying interview with a starving alien desperately trying to eat us on his journey of radical transparency. (Interdimensional Talks — Episode 3)

ABOUT THE SHOW:

Ladies and gentlemen, alien or domestic, Welcome to Interdimensional Talks with your host Mike!

The only fictional radio show in the world broadcasting across the universe and the multiverse. Listen in as we talk to the most diverse bunch of guests you can possibly imagine. We’re talking aliens, ethereal beings, artificial intelligence, and even humans from parallel universes.

Suspend your disbelief, open your mind, and join us on a journey of fascinating exploration of ideas. Grab a drink and enjoy the show.

EPISODE 3:

Xsidious: A predator on a journey of radical honesty

(Off the air)

Mike: “We have to be extra careful with this one, people. He may sound nice, but his species are vicious predators on the lookout for another planet to conquer and destroy. Whatever we do, we must never give out our location, or we’re fucked! We are jamming their tracking, right? They can’t pinpoint us?”

Nameless intern number 1: “Yes, Mike. For the hundredth time. We’re all set.”

Nameless intern number 2: “I’ve never seen you so scared, man. Maybe we shouldn’t do this…”

Mike: “We won’t let fear stop us from making a good show! Note to self — don’t say anything about our planet or galaxy. Alright, I’ve got a Post-it note in front of me so I don’t forget. We’re good.”

Nameless intern number 1: “That’s what I’m talking about. The show must go on! Whenever you’re ready, Mike.”

Mike: “Let’s do this. Game on, guys. If I blurb anything, fucking cut it off, you hear!?”

Nameless intern number 2: “We’ve got you, Boss. I’ve never been this nervous in my life, man.”

Nameless intern number 1: “Going live in 3, 2, 1.”

(Broadcast begins)

Mike: “And we’re live, ladies and gentlemen, aliens, multidimensional beings, and Gods. Welcome to another episode of “Interdimensional Talks,” where we dive deep into the unknown, the mysterious, and the borderline impossible. I’m your host, Mike, and tonight we have an extraordinary guest for you. If you notice my voice shaking, you’ll soon find out why.

I would do the introductions, but the guest requested that he do it himself since he’s on a particular spiritual journey. This will be an interesting one, folks. But I must warn you. What you are about to hear might be troublesome to some of our listeners. It might even give you nightmares.

The Universe is a large place. When we add multiple dimensions to the mix, which is our jam here at Interdimensional Talks, things can get kind of freaky. Let us reserve judgment and open our minds to a fresh perspective. This may be somewhat uncomfortable, but if we are to learn anything new, it is imperative that we give it our best.

With that out of the way, a warm welcome to our new guest, Xsidious! Welcome to the show. We’re glad to have you.”

Xsidious: “The pleasure is all mine, Michelous.”

Mike: “I’ve kept my promise and haven’t told our audience anything about you yet. Would you like to tell them something about yourself? A short introduction so they’ll know who they’re listening to.”

Xsidious: “Yes, yes. Who all is listening to this show, Michelous?”

Mike: “We broadcast into the multidimensional void Xsidious. Everyone, from every planet and dimension, that tunes into our frequency, can listen to our show.”

Xsidious “I see. Well then. Let us begin. I am Xsidious of the Clan Xtrebelous, first of my name.” (uncomfortable silence)

Mike: “What kind of a clan is that? Tell us more about your society, family, and background.”

Xsidious: “We are a traveling people. We have no home planet. We live on our Mobiouses. Our clan is one of the smaller clans in our society, but we are feared across the galaxy!”

Mike: “When you say Mobious, you mean a spaceship, right?”

Xsidious: “What is a spaceship, Michelous?”

Mike to Intern Number 1: “Our universal translator is working properly, right?”

Intern number 1: “Yes. I think he can understand us just fine.”

Mike to Intern Number 1: “So he’s probing. Got it. Thanks.”

Mike: “It’s a term often used to describe a large vehicle that travels across the Universe, between the stars.”

Xsidious: “I see. (a short pause) Then, yes, Mobious is a spaceship. A large one.”

Mike: “How many people usually live on one such ship? Or your one in particular?”

Xsidious: “That depends on the season and the food supply. Currently, we’re running a skeleton crew of about a thousand.”

Mike: “Oh wow. And that’s a skeleton crew? (not to self: the translators work just fine — be careful) So, how many people are on the largest ships in peak season? I’m assuming peak season is when food is abundant, yes?”

Xsidious: “Yes. It is not a time thing, like on your homeworld. How many seasons do you have, Michelous?”

Intern Number 2: “Khm!”

Mike: “Am, well, that would depend on which part of our planet you are on.”

Xsidious: “I see.”

Mike: “So what is it that you eat, if I may ask? What is your food source?”

Xsidious: (silence) We are not very picky. We find food everywhere we go.”

Mike: (to himself: I bet!) But when there is a lack of food in your part of the galaxy, you somehow shrink your population? How does that work?”

Xsidious: “Yes.”

Mike: “Could you elaborate?”

Xsidious: “When we have consumed all the food sources available, we look for internal supplies.”

Mike: “Is this a difficult topic for you to discuss? I’m sensing some resistance here, Xsidious?”

Xsidious: (silence) “Yes.”

Mike: “Can you tell us anything else about this process?”

Xsidious: (silence) “I have confided with my superiors. I can.”

Mike: “I’m sure our listeners would appreciate it.”

Intern Number 2 to Mike: “What are you doing? Playing with fire?”

Xsidious: “As you know, I am on a journey of absolute transparency, Michelous. We’ve talked about this. So I must be careful not to say too much. You understand, yes?”

Mike: “Of course, and we respect that. Tell us what you can. We appreciate it all.”

Xsidious: “Where were we? Remind me, please?”

Mike: “You were telling us about your food sources and seasons.”

Xsidious: “Yes. We travel the Universe looking for new food sources. When we find a suitable planet or other sources, we camp there until the food source has been diminished.”

Mike: “By food source, you mean the living being on that planet, right? The indigenous people?”

Xsidious. “What else? We can’t eat black matter or rocks. We need meat to sustain us.”

Mike: “I just want to be sure I understand you correctly. You travel the galaxy looking for planets full of life and then invade and eat the local people?”

Xsidious: “Not just the people. All living things. Like I said, we’re not picky. We eat what we must to sustain ourselves and our offspring.”

Mike: “And you’re okay with this?”

Xsidious: “With eating food? Yes, Michelous, I am okay with eating my food. Are you not okay with eating yours?”

Mike: “It’s not the same. We don’t invade planets and eat their inhabitants.”

Xsidious: “Is that so? So what do you eat?”

Intern Number 2 on internal comms: “Careful, boss!”

Mike: “We grow vegetables and raise livestock. We don’t go invading other planets, killing everyone alive and bleeding them dry.”

Xsidious: “You mentioned livestock. Instead of hunting your prey, you breed them. Am I understanding this correctly?”

Mike: “Animals. Yes. Not people.”

Xsidious: “And what is the difference, Michelous? Meat is meat. Food is food.”

Mike: “There’s a difference, okay.”

Xsidious: “The difference is your philosophy. You see, we cull the planets we encounter but never bleed it dry, as you’ve said. We always leave enough people and animals so that, in time, they can repopulate. We give them the freedom to live their lives as they please. You imprison your food, do you not?”

Mike: “You give them freedom, and then when they grow in numbers, you come back and feast on them!”

Xsidious: “Yes. And you breed and imprison your food for the entirety of its lifespan. Yours is a more practical way, but ours is more fair. And more fun when it’s time to hunt!”

Intern Number 1 internally: “The numbers are off the charts! We’ve got a record number of listeners tuning in tonight. Keep going, Boss!”

Mike: I’ve just been informed that billions of listeners are tuning in tonight. They all want to get to know you, Xsidious. What do you think of the fact that some of our listeners might be your food someday?”

Xsidious: “Some? Michelous, you’re thinking so small. All of them are on the menu! We’re not picky.”

Mike: “And you don’t find this troublesome? To talk to them, knowing that you will hunt them down and slaughter them?”

Xsidious: “Don’t be silly. Of course not. It is the most natural thing in the Universe. Eat or be eaten. You are either the hunter or the prey. I just happen to be the one doing the hunting. They happen to be the prey. It’s nothing personal. It is life. Is it not the same on your homeworld?”

Mike: “We’ve evolved past this type of thinking. We’re a civilized people.”

Xsidious: “Yes, yes, I can tell. Very advanced and civilized. Lazy too. And fat, I would estimate.”

Mike: “I’m sorry?”

Xsidious: “What are you sorry about? Don’t feel sorry for the food Michelous. It’s not good for the soul.”

Mike: “I meant… What makes you say that we are lazy and fat?”

Xsidious: “Radical Transparency.”

Mike: “Sure, but besides that.”

Xsidious: “You have just told me that on your planet, you breed your own food so that you don’t have to hunt it anymore. No hunting means plenty of food sources and easy access. It’s basic math. Lazy and fat. Perfect for culling. Is that any different in your galaxy? Where was it you said you’re from again?”

Intern Number 2 internally: “Careful! He’s prodding again.”

Mike: (silence) “I didn’t, and in the spirit of Radical Transparency, I will not be revealing that information to you, Xsidious. We don’t want to end up on your menu. I hope you don’t mind.”

Xsidious: (something resembling laughter) “I do not. It is only logical. You don’t really have a choice, though. If we find you, we will hunt you. It is only natural, don’t you agree?”

Mike: “If you say so. I don’t exactly see myself as a food source Xsidious. I’m sorry.”

Xsidious: “So you are the predator on your plant? The hunter, after all? Good for you, Michelous.”

Mike: “That’s right. We’re the top dogs here in our galaxy. We’re not food, and we will not be hunted. It would be much wiser if we found a way to work together, don’t you think?”

Xsidious: “Which galaxy, Michelous? We wouldn’t want to compete for the same food source, would we?”

Intern Number 2: “Boss!”

Mike internally: “Don’t worry. I’ve got this.”

Mike: “Can you tell us a bit more about this personal journey of yours? Why absolute transparency?”

Xsidious: (silence) “Yes. I have been doing some soul-searching in my old age. In our society, one of the steps to enlightenment is a process of Radical Transparency.”

Mike: “What does that mean for you, and how old are you, if I may ask?”

Xsidious: “It would be difficult for me to convey how old I am since I don’t know your planet’s cycle or the distance to your star.”

Mike: “I guess we’ll have to live without that information when.”

Xsidious: “You are wise, Michelous. I respect that.”

Mike: “Thank you, and I respect your honesty in our conversation. Can you tell us about how this Radical Transparency influenced your life?”

Xsidious: “It has made life much more difficult. Not being able to lie and deceit is a problem, if I’m being honest.

Mike: “How so?”

Xsidious: “For starters, all of my sexual mates now know each other, which is inconvenient. Then, as we rely on internal food sources for sustenance, I’ve had problems hunting my prey.”

Mike: “Can you tell us more about that?”

Xsidious: “Well, if you have to be honest with everyone, it makes it hard to hide that you are about to eat them.”

Mike: “Give me an example if you can.”

Xsidious: “I have had to skip the last three feedings while the rest of the crew feasted on their prey. When I hunted my food, the fool caught a glimpse of me in the shadow and asked if I wanted to eat him. I had to admit and tell him my intentions because of my journey. So the bastard ran away, leaving me with a gaping hole in my torso.”

Mike: “That does sound like a problem, Xsidious. I’m sorry.”

Xsidious. “Thank you. It is. I’m so hungry, I can hardly think, and soon I won’t be able to hunt anymore. When that happens, I become the food for my people.”

Mike: “Wait! Is that how it works? When you can’t find other food sources… I’m sorry, listeners. I can’t believe I’m talking about the planet’s indigenous population as food sources. I apologize if any of you, who Xsidious and his people hunt, are listening to this broadcast. I meant no disrespect.”

Xsidious: “Why are you apologizing to food, Michelous? This is not something a true predator, a hunter, an alpha species does.”

Mike: “But it is something a radio operator does because he wants his listeners to tune in again sometime. Anyway. We were talking about what your people do when you run out of outside sources. Please tell me more about that.”

Xsidious: “In the feeding season, when food is plentiful, our people breed and reproduce. We grow in numbers until the food source can barely replenish their population. Then, we leave the planet and search for new food sources. We take some with us for the journey, but that resource almost always runs out before finding another ripe planet for the taking.”

Mike: “And what do you do when you run out of food?”

Xsidious: “The only logical thing.”

Mike: “And that is?”

Xsidious: “We lower the number of mouths to feed.”

Mike: “By?”

Xsidious: “Eating them, of course.”

Mike: “You cannibalize your population?”

Xsidious: “Meat is meat. Weak is weak. Food is food.”

Mike: “It must be nice to live such a simple philosophy.”

Xsidious: “Our philosophy is very profound. We rely on it for guidance and sanity. As a space-faring civilization dependent on long seasons, we struggle with sanity. Space, artificial gravity, and the desolation of space, coupled with scarce food supplies, tend to weigh on one’s mind. Without philosophy, we would go feral and intoxicated by blood. Amid a season of hunger, we would destroy ourselves. Our philosophers are the most respected among our people. They are off the menu! The rest, though.”

Mike: “I can see how that would be problematic, yes. How do you determine who gets to live and who dies? How do you know if you are the hunter of the prey?”

Xsidious: “The hunt determines these things. Our philosophy is that the natural process of selection favors the strong. Hunting weeds out the weak and sustains the strong.”

Mike: “So, it’s every man for himself?”

Xsidious: “Something like that. We hunt at night because, during the day, we must work together to keep things running. How would you decide who lives and who dies?”

Mike: “I wouldn’t! That’s not how we operate. We don’t eat each other.”

Xsidious: “Then you would all die. A foolish sentiment.”

Mike: “I’m sure there are other ways, aren’t they? Why not go into cryo sleep or something similar?”

Xsidious: “What is a cryo sleep?”

Mike: “It’s an idea that for long space flight, you would sort of freeze yourself into a state or minimal life functions. It’s theoretical at the moment, but it beats eating half your people.”

Xsidious: “It’s nonsense, Michelous. It doesn’t work. We appear to be light-years ahead of you in technological development but have found no better solution. A body needs sustenance. It all comes down to this.”

Mike: “And what happens when you become the food? Or your family? You do have families, right?”

Xsidious: “Then you die in the service of your people. A glorious death, especially if you won it in the hunt by way of combat. We don’t have families. We are pods. Every Mobious (spaceship) for itself.”

Mike: “Which brings us to my next question. How do you procreate in your society?”

Xsidious: “You mean produce offspring?”

Mike: “Yes. How do you make more of you?”

Xsidious: “We impregnate our females and plant eggs into living hosts, where they develop and feast for the first time.”

Mike: “So, your prey isn’t just for food sustenance. You use them for procreation as well. I can see why you may indeed be the terror of the galaxy, Xsidious.”

Xsidious: “Ah, Mike. There are things far worse out here than us. We are only a small part of a large food chain. When we find you, you may consider yourself lucky for the privilege of serving our needs. Your lives will have a purpose. Your souls will be honored, and thanks will be given. Which is more than I can say for some other species out here.”

Mike: “We’ll have to agree to disagree on this one, Xsidious. We have no desire to become anyone’s prey, much less to serve other species.”

Xsidious: “You say that like you have a choice. How cute. You are part of the galactic food chain, Michelous, as are we, and there is nothing you can do about it.”

Mike: “Let’s hope we never find out. While it’s been terrifying but interesting talking to you, Xsidious, I pray to God I never meet you.”

Xsidious: “I’m afraid you don’t really have a choice. We’ve almost got a trace on your planet, and in a few minutes, we will have the general coordinates. We are already on our way to you. See you soon, Michelous. I, for one, can’t wait to meet you.”

Mike: “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Cut the transmission — now! Now…”

Transmission disconnected.

(long silence)

Mike: “I’m sorry for the profanity, dear listeners. We knew there were risks involved with hosting our guests, and we have taken all possible precautions. I’m not sure how they could have found us. Maybe he was just messing with us. Let’s hope so. However, the whole Radical Transparency thing would suggest otherwise.

That will be all for this episode of Interdimensional Talks. We have to make sure we covered our tracks, and I, ladies and gentlemen, need a stiff drink. Live long and prosper wherever you are. Until next time, Mike out!”

THE END

PS: Be on the lookout for a follow-up episode where we follow Xsidious, The Great Hunter after the broadcast has ended. Did they find Earth? Are we in danger? What did he have for dinner?

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