A 5-Step Guide to Helping Your Kids Stay Safe Online
As told my someone who learned the hard way what all is out there.
44.5 hours.
That’s the estimated amount of time that a teenager spends on their devices a week according to the Center for Parenting Education.
5 hours. That’s how much they’re spending on social media every day.
According to Common Sense Media, the average age a child is first exposed to pornography is 12 years old.
“There is no greater honor than the responsibility of protecting a child.” — Unknown
Much research has been done to estimate the impact that this hyper connectedness and violent and inappropriate content is having on the world’s youth.
While specifics are hard to present with the limitations of research, we know one thing — it isn’t good.
Parents, particularly in today’s society, now have the very important job of monitoring their child’s online presence and helping them to build digital hygiene and boundaries with the online world.
This is simultaneously harder than ever, because kids can be sneaky, parents can be out of the loop, and no one really knows what’s happening.
Here are my five steps to helping your child(ren) to stay safer online:
#1: Monitor, don’t police
In a study involving a survey of children in the United States ages 12–17, researchers studied 629 teenagers and their parents to determine the effect of parental monitoring on problematic internet use. (Bleakley 2015)
They surveyed the teenagers about problematic internet behaviors they had engaged in and surveyed parents about how much time they believed their adolescent children had spent online.
“This type of content is more common in children’s feeds than parents may relaize. A recent survey of teenage girls found that 40% see harmful images and videos related to suicide at least once a month on Instagram and TikTok, and about a third say they see content related to eating disorders at least once a month on Instagram, TikTok, SnapChat, and YouTube.” — NPR: Major psychologists’ group warns of social media’s potential harm to kids
Ultimately, they discovered that teenagers who experienced increased parental monitoring from their parents reported less problematic internet behavior.
While not all studies in this area of research have found similar results, the researchers speculated that teenagers who have less problematic behavior and are being more heavily monitored by their parents have a prior established positive parent-child relationship.
This relationship then facilitated the adolescents being more willing to share about their internet use with their parents.
#2: Start conversations early
In today’s day and age, the grade/age that children are learning about sex and other adult things is getting younger and younger.
Just the other day I realized that a ten-year-old who is very close to me had learned incorrect information about sex and contraceptive methods at school, and I had to sit down and calmly correct them while I maintained shock about how they had learned this at school.
“New research reveals how one out of six (16%) parents never or very rarely talk to their children about online safety issues. Child psychologist Dr. Linda Papadopoulos urges parents to speak to their kids about their digital life just as much as they do in their school life.” — Internet Matters
With more and more kids online at an early age with unmonitored access to the internet, these conversations are starting earlier and earlier.
Even if you want to maintain your child’s innocence and keep them offline, they’ll probably hear something (or, God-forbid, see something) from someone else and have questions — even if they have no internet access of their own.
I live in the south. We do a lot of recreational gun shooting here — and I don’t know of a single self-respecting gun-owning parent who doesn’t thoroughly educate their child on gun safety before taking a child hunting or letting them point a piece down the range.
Isn’t it crazy that we don’t use the same rigor and specificity in teaching our children how to operate and maintain safety in the digital world?
According to the CDC, 55% of teenagers have sex before they turn 18. That was shocking to me — and the shock just pointed to my own ignorance. That’s also probably a modest reporting considering there’s probably a lack of accurate self-disclosure from teens.
Because of such an early age of sexual engagement in today’s culture, kids are bound to have questions. If they don’t feel like they can come to you, then they won’t — and they’ll go online instead.
“Out of said 90%, a third have been victims of cyberbullying themselves. The grin-and-bear-it attitude surrounding this phenomenon has led to many damaging consequences for kids and parents, even though cyberbullying can seem silly to a casual observer.” — Safe At Last
While it’s helpful to use monitoring software and to know what your child is searching online, especially when you’re young, the greatest protector of your child is the level of emotional safety they feel with you.
Starting conversations about mental health, the internet, and all things sex as soon as natural questions arise will guard your relationship against shame and secrecy.
Your goal as a parent should be to be their number one resource.
If you realize you haven’t gotten a question in a while, maybe try and strike up a conversation and see how they’re doing, reestablishing that bond and how good of a confidant you can be. Sometimes there’s questions they aren’t asking because they’re afraid to — or they think they’ve already found the answer online.
#3: Don’t shame your kids
First and foremost, we live in a connected world. While your child could decide to be a social recluse and remove themselves from mainstream society, it’s not likely — and you probably wouldn’t want that anyways.
Your children are going to be connected. Other kids are, they hear about, they want to know, so on and so forth.
“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.” — Brene Brown
Second, there’s a lot of terrible things on the internet. With the click of a few buttons your child can find themselves watching porn, buying a vape, purchasing elicit content or communicating with criminals in a chat room.
I don’t say that to scare you, I say that to say that your child probably has no idea. They don’t know what you know, and therefore aren’t able to respond to situations with the level of caution and fear that you would render in the same situations.
Even as teenagers, they’re too young to understand that the internet is a truly dangerous place — both literally and from a mental health perspective.
As a kid, like many, I stumbled across sexual content far too young. What started as innocent questions quickly became highly sexualized stories on the website Wattpad and watching X-rated content on various platforms.
“70% of kids ages 8–18 have accidentally encountered online pornography, very often by entering an innocent search term while doing their homework.” — GuardChild
Understand that your children, most likely, are not sex-craving violent monsters who are setting out to hide their internet actions from you. They’re probably confused, understandably curious, and frightened by what they see online. They need your love and support, not shame over what they’ve found.
If you shame them into thinking that they’re wrong for what they accidentally stumbled across or for the questions that they had about sex or the world at large, they will have ramifications for the rest of their childhood and potentially into adulthood.
They will feel like they did something wrong, like questions are not welcomed, and that they should be more secretive about their online presence.
“Distinguish between “yes” feelings, as when something happens that you like, to “no” feelings as the feeling you have after something happens that you don’t like. Ensure your child knows all feelings are okay, helpful, and healthy. Even the “no” feelings are useful because they can help keep us safe.”— SafeWise
This goes back to starting conversations early. If you start early, then your kids will trust you as the source for their information — and will know that in your home it’s okay to talk about things like sex and questions they may have, or about body image issues and mental health struggles.
They will feel safe and secure with you, and that will result in a decreased need for an online presence, and safer usage overall.
#4: Build independence gradually
One day, your child will be out of the house and will be able to do, quite frankly, whatever they want.
Many helicopter parents have tried and failed to over police their child’s online presence, only to watch them spiral and fall prey to so many things, online and otherwise, once they become an adult.
“Modeling a help-seeking attitude and growth mindset begins at home. Do a quick self-check. How do I model a growth mindset and help-seeking attitude for my kids when I am struggling and need help? How do I communicate to my kids that I’m there to help them without undermining them or fostering dependency?” — PsychiatryResource
This is because instead of building up their child’s own values, beliefs, and boundaries, they maintained them themselves in a hostile relationship with their child’s decisions. This leaves the child helpless to go out on their own.
This makes me think about why animals who have been in captivity all of their life can’t be returned to the wild. It’s a crude example, but I think it makes a good point. These animals can’t go back because they literally don’t know how to fend for themselves.
They have no concept for the danger that exists in the real world because they have only known the world through the perspective of their glass box and three-square hand-fed meals a day.
“Parental controls can be appropriate for younger kids, but teens need the chance to exercise autonomy online, Wisniewski says. Such freedom lets them engage in some of the Internet’s positive aspects: civic engagement opportunities, community and educational resources, identity exploration and connections beyond one’s own social bubble.” — Scientific American
While that’s a great life for them, it leaves them helpless when they have to go and survive on their own one day. Without the skills to survive the dangers ahead, they’re left in a terrible spot.
#5: Use tools that will take away your stress
You probably started reading this article thinking I was going to give you the five greatest apps to lockdown your kids phone.
While there are some great ones out there and I’ll name drop a few, the apps can only work within a healthy relationship with your child. Kids are smart. They will find away around your walls and barriers.
“A majority of parents whose children watch videos on platforms like YouTube say it helps their children learn new things and keep them entertained. It is important though, that parents should keep a close eye on what children encounter on these streaming sites, with Pew Research finding at least 46% of parents have said their children have encountered inappropriate content online.” — World Economic Forum
As a kid myself I quickly found out after my mom started using a monitoring app that I could get around it by simply disconnecting from the Wi-Fi. She thought that I was safe, when in reality I was ashamed, scared, and on the internet — unrestricted, unbeknownst to her.
First and foremost, if you child has an iPhone, listing them as a child in your iCloud account can allow you to see and track their screentime, as well as how much time they’re spending on specific apps and websites.
This can be a great way to gain information about how your kids are spending their time.
In addition to apps, there are also family strategies that can protect all individuals online. You can use phones designed for teenagers like the Gabb phone, that allow for more restrictions and less functionality.
You can make it a rule that laptops are used in a public place, and that all phones have to be plugged up in the kitchen at night. You can change the way that you talk about online presence and apps with your family.
“Resist the urge to rush through conversations with your kids. Most kids need to hear information repeated, in small doses, for it to sink in. If you keep talking with your kids, your patience and persistence will pay off in the long run.” — Federal Trade Commission
There are also different software and apps you can use to disable incognito mode on your child’s browsers, and you cannot give them the password to download apps, meaning they have to ask you first.
Finally, as your child gets older, slowly let the restrictions go. Soon, your child will be an 18-year-old who’s ready to go off and be an adult. Make sure they’re ready to flap their wings and solve problems on their own.
“A key piece of maturity is learning how to “make independent decisions and to navigate challenging situations on one’s own when necessary,” said Karen VanAusdal, senior director of practice at the Chicago-based Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning.
Teaching a kindergartener to put their laundry away or get their own plate at a buffet may feel far from the kind of independence they will need to master in adolescence and adulthood, but there is a connection. They are learning to trust their instincts and deal, literally and figuratively, with their own stuff.” — Elissa Strauss, CNN
The internet is a scary place.
Unfortunately, whether you talk to them about it or not, your child will find things that they aren’t supposed to and learn things you hoped they’d never know. But you can’t let your fear and discomfort lead to under-vigilance in the realm of protecting your kid.
They don’t know what’s out there — and it’s your job to help keep them safe until they know how to do it on their own.
Open communication and love are your friends. Keep the lines of talking open, use the software and systems that you need to, and remember that no one’s perfect and that you can grow through anything that happens together.
Kindly, Katie
Did you enjoy this story? If you want to read more from me, feel free to check out some of my other articles. I’ve listed (and linked) a few of my favorites below.
5 Things Your Teenager Wishes You Knew
Finally, if you yourself are struggling with technology addiction, you might find this article helpful on taking a step-by-step approach to decreasing your online usage.
