Big Events
Isaiah’s feet are getting really big. Poor kid. I thought he had approximately 7,543 shoes until we went through them all and he said they all hurt. Nothing fit anymore. Awful Mommy — I have been sending him to school with shoes that don’t fit.
I was frantic about it yesterday morning after sending him to school in winter boots. **Hi** — Mom of the year. I knew Ryan wouldn’t be home until after 11pm, so I messaged his mom, “Would you be able to stay with the kids for just 30 minutes so I can grab Isaiah some shoes at Walmart?”
She was happy to help.
As soon as she arrived, I left. And as I started down the hill I remembered, “Tomorrow is Mom’s birthday; Halloween, and Friday is our 11-year wedding anniversary.”
In an instant, I was not overcome with happiness and joy; instead, a deep sense of sadness.
You know the feeling when you tell yourself, “Not the time to cry,” but then your heart hurts so badly, so deep, tears just fall? That was me.
I thought about Dad.
I wondered how Mom would be on her first birthday without Dad.
Then I remembered taking the kids to Mom and Dad’s last year on Halloween. Dad, of course, tried giving away house-and-home for their Halloween baskets. I can still see it all happening in their kitchen, Dad with his old, gray sweats on.
Of course my mind then took me to Halloween always being the Groom’s Dinner night and November 1st, my wedding day.
11 years ago, Dad was seemingly healthy and well. Some of my best (also most significant) memories about and with Dad happened within the year I got married.
My phone screen saver is he and I dancing on my wedding day. Not only is the day a huge event, but I am reminded of it on the daily; for better or worse.
The tears just kept coming because I missed Dad so much last night.
Big Events
I couldn’t help but wonder if big events in life will ever get easier. Of course this is only the first time, the first year, experiencing everything without Dad, but will these events ever make me only remember happier times?
Watching Dad go was painful, but now that he’s gone, learning to re-live all the good times is almost equally as painful.
There is not a day that goes by without thoughts (and a lot of them) of Dad. And if you want the truth, I thought we had been through the worst of it. Surely the days would get incrementally better.
And maybe they have gotten better, not incrementally. But big events kill me, bringing me back to all — back to what was, and even what is — without him.
Mom’s Birthday
But today is Mom’s day. It’s her birthday. And though there is an emptiness inside of me that I can’t explain to anyone nor do I outwardly show, today is her day.
In good health, Dad would have taken her out to eat (no, he would never cook ha!) and then he’d eat the chocolate cake with white frosting she probably made — with her. He’d get her a card and if JJ and I didn’t want to help him get his gift or go in on a larger gift together, he’d give her money.
But regardless, it’s Halloween and Dad would have made sure that the big event today was Mom.
So though my heart and mind are filled with a hurt I didn’t know could exist, today I’m going to make sure Mom’s day is lovely, and the kid’s get all their trick-or-treating in (which Ryan and I will either then consume or throw away — you know how it goes!).
Tomorrow I’m going to listen to “My Girl,” and just be grateful….that was I married on a day so close to Mom’s birthday to someone my dad was thankful I married.
p.s. Don’t worry. Isaiah got his shoes. Through tears and chaos, I still managed to slay another day. :)
Follow my blog with Bloglovin by clicking HERE or click HERE to get on the A Thyme for Milk and Honey newsletter list.
Xox, SKH
