Addicted Much?
Food, alcohol, social media…. and the rest
My Name’s Michelle…..and I’m an Addict
I have an addictive personality, perhaps OCD. Or both? I can become addicted to, or obsessed with, pretty much anything. Fun!
Alcohol
Some people are surprised to know that most alcoholics don’t need to drink as soon as they wake up. Or ‘to get through the day’. Alcoholics aren’t all old men with red noses and brown paper bags in coat pockets. When it’s got that far, you’re a very long way down the road.
I haven’t had a drink for almost three and a half years, but when I drank, I drank a lot. On a regular basis. I was never someone who could have one drink and call it a night. I suffered from ongoing internal panic if I knew there wasn’t more alcohol. I couldn’t enjoy the first glass of wine without knowing there was at least a second full bottle available!
I tried multiple times to cut down. It would go like this: I’d take a break for a few weeks, and feel much better, the whole time a little voice in the back of my mind would be asking when we could have a drink. I’d resume drinking, declaring I’d drink less from now on, which would last a week, or honestly, a day. Before I knew it I’d be right back where I started. The only way to get out was to totally get out.
Many things led to the decision to stop drinking; it was an unpleasant journey. Maybe I’ll write about it some day. Or maybe I won’t. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made and I found it a lot easier than I expected. The finality of the statement ‘never drinking again’ shut that little voice up. I’m not going to pretend it was all roses, but I haven’t regretted it once.
Food
Food is not like alcohol. You can’t just stop eating for good. Plus, I like eating, so….! Trouble is, I like eating all the things. Multiple packs of things squashed full of all the crap available to modern humans. Funnily, I never feel the need to eat all the broccoli or green beans; if they’re not jammed full of added sugar, my dopamine receptors don’t want to know, thank you very much.
So as not to be misunderstood; I know how to eat healthily, I can cook, and I enjoy good food. I enjoy the way I feel when I don’t eat all the cake and crisps when I only eat wholesome meals. My body certainly appreciates it.
It’s refined sugar; some scientific research suggests it’s more addictive than cocaine! When I get myself motivated to quit the sugar, all is well on the food front (after the nasty withdrawals), but just one little sugary treat sends me spiraling back out of control. Ah, Reese’s peanut butter cups, why do you exist, but to torment me?
Social Media
Social media really got its hooks into me. Hours wasted scrolling, refreshing, scrolling, refreshing…. making me feel worse about life, the world, and people in general. I’ve deleted all my social media accounts but created a new Facebook account because, annoyingly, it’s the only way to get local information on activities for the kids, baby groups, support groups, etc. I have no friends and my profile is set up so only friends of friends can request my friendship — see what I did there? Still, it pisses me off that I’m seemingly incapable of accessing the information I need without being lured into reading ’50 Times Bridezillas Crossed the Line’ or watching a video of Brad Mondo bitching about someone bleaching their hair.
I struggle to control my time on Medium, which is why I rarely publish. I started writing to please others (see my article Writing Reflection) checking stats and obsessively reading and commenting on stories. It was damaging; I’ve learned to recognize the signs. Sometimes I ignore them for a while and deny it’s happening, but eventually, I have to admit it to myself. Because when it’s damaging to me, that extends to my family. My children and husband deserve better. That’s not to say I don’t deserve better, but it’s a great incentive, to be honest with myself.
Games
Stupid games like Candy Crush — don’t even get me started. Playing as if my life depended on it. To what end? Exactly none. I limit myself now to daily games that can’t be played repeatedly.
Phone
My phone is an extension of the last two addictions to some extent, though it wields some strange power over me, regardless of quitting the above. It appears to have magnetic control of my hand. I pick it up, open the cover, no notifications, stare at the screen for a bit, open Chrome, close it, put it down, pick it up, repeat, repeat, repeat. When I do get far enough away to leave it alone, I typically get a notification that even my two-year-old recognizes; he’ll stop what he’s doing and point to the phone demandingly! I disable notifications for all but messages, calls, and emails (if I turn those off, I obsessively check the respective apps, so it’s not worth it) and I’m trying really hard to break this habit. I’m good at ignoring the phone while we’re out of the house though. Something to be proud of, I guess.
Neat and Tidy
I’m obsessive about tidiness. Not so much cleaning; I clean things regularly but not obsessively. I just really like things to be tidy. This isn’t at all compatible with a toddler whose main goal in life is to throw all his toys on the floor, repeatedly. I’ve had to work hard to relax a bit with this one. I still put the toys away every nap time and meal time instead of just doing it once at the end of the day. I can’t help myself.
Living With It
I’m obsessive about new things, projects, ideas, etc. This can be a positive trait; it really pushes short household projects forwards, but I’m likely to lose interest if it goes on too long and it becomes a chore. If I get an idea I’ll work out any possible way to make it work, to the point I bore myself and really annoy my husband.
I’m happy and fulfilled; I’m not looking for anything to ‘complete’ me or for advice to solve anything. I chose to write and share this article because writing my truth is cathartic and I know there must be other people working through the same issues; maybe some haven’t realized it yet, it took me a long time. In this age of materialistic excess, highly available junk food, and an ever-accessible digital world, there’s plenty to fuel the fire.
