Alberta Revolting: A 2015 Voters Guide 1
Guide to the Progressive Conservatives
Official Name: Progressive Conservative Association of Alberta
Known Aliases: PCs, the Conservatives and the Tories
Leader: Jim ‘The Annointed One’ Prentice
Seats in Legislature at Dissolution: 70 of 87 (80%)
Electoral Goal for Next Assembly: 95 of 87 (110%)
Ideology: Canadian Acolytes of Lee Kuan Yew
Agenda: Restore Hereditary Succession of Power and find a Premier with adequate offspring to inherit provincial leadership (must be able to locate Alberta on a Globe, turn on light switches, etc).
Party Motto: Forever and a day is not a long enough mandate for us to manage Alberta competently.
Alternate Motto (Unofficial): Taking Albertans for granted for 40 years.
Headquarters: vast fortress of doom 500m below Downtown Calgary
After screwing up Alberta’s finances for the last 30 of their 44 year reign The Anointed One has proclaimed that his 10 year plan will put everything right, at long last. He’s boldly rubbed every Albertan’s face in the mess that his party has made and then sent Albertans to look in the mirror and ask themselves the hard questions of how they could have trusted all those previous, non-Prentice iterations of the Progressive Conservatives.
The Anointed One then sent all Albertans to their bedrooms (without supper) to think about what bad voters they’ve been.
He sternly informed us that once we’ve had some time to reflect, he hopes we’ll do the right thing and give the PCs their 13th chance.
Much like the stegosaurus that came down off of Castle Mountain carrying Peter Lougheed and the Ark of Toryism at the dawn of time, the PCs have been going downhill for ages. Out of the 7 Premiers they have had to date only 3 have been genuinely effective at carrying out the plans they had for Government, Peter Lougheed, Ralph Klein, and Dave Hancock.
Ralph’s plan was to conduct surgery on the public purse with a chainsaw. Premier Hancock’s plan was to keep the potted plants in the Premier’s office company until the PCs found a replacement this last autumn. Out of the three, that leaves us with only one who actually built a lasting legacy.
The rest of the lot seem to have had only two operating modes: “panicked pandering” and “wanton neglect,” interspersed with long periods of self-congratulatory backslaps. Most of which were how clever they were to have used the Tory Time Machine to go back millions of years into the past and personally create the vast fields of petrochemicals lying beneath Alberta. Thus ensuring prosperity for Albertans and that they’d almost never have to actually manage the province for any other goal then their own retention of power.
Bottom Line: No more. Even if your beloved mother (who’s on a shortlist for sainthood, a Nobel and a Tony award next year) is your PC candidate there isn’t a good reason on Earth to vote for them. If they don’t die this time, next time we’ll break out the wooden stakes, silver bullets and call in an orbital nuclear strike to be sure.
