American Perp Walk | Juvenile Justice Division
My Kids Draw Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Three portraits of the White House Press Dissembler
After drawing some great caricatures of Donald Trump for my blog, American Perp Walk, my kids asked me for a new challenge. I suggested drawing Sarah Sanders and my twins readily agreed. But their younger brother wanted nothing to do with the project. It wasn’t that he had political or chivalrous qualms. His complaint was that Sanders “is too hard to draw.” So I used it as a teaching moment about politics — I bribed him.
When Sanders was turned away from the Red Hen restaurant, my kids and I agreed that no civil person should be denied service at a restaurant because of their politics. I mean, where does it end? Bakers refusing to bake cakes for gay weddings? Pharmacists declining to fill doctors’ prescriptions? Employers denying their employees birth control? It’s a slippery slope more treacherous than the Super-G.
Failed Makeup Exam
My 11-year-old daughter’s drawing of Sanders is brutally honest yet somewhat sympathetic. It’s a nostalgic portrait of Sanders before she was caught up in a competition with Hope Hicks for Washington’s smokiest eyes. (Sanders eventually won the stare-down after Hicks was rushed to the hospital with a mascara overdose.)
Sanders, as depicted in this drawing, possesses the quiet dignity of a Botero statue, albeit one with more chins than a Chinese phone book.
As with any good portrait, the eyes seem to follow you — or in Sanders’ case, the eye. Her eyebrow arches in perpetual contempt as if over an invisible monocle.
In the future, when Trumpism has replaced democracy, I can imagine this Sanders portrait appearing on postage stamps celebrating the regime’s willing enablers. That is, if Trump hasn’t abolished the U.S. Postal Service, or, by moving the capital of Israel to Jerusalem, he hasn’t triggered End Times.
A portrait is not complete without a fitting title. My daughter calls her sketch of Sanders, the “Mona Liar.”
Madonna or Spud
My 11-year-old son’s portrait captures the essence of a woman with a granite-like resolve to never apologize, never explain — which pretty much cancels out Sander’s job description as White House Press Secretary.
This portrait eerily portrays Sanders’ intimidating presence, like that of a women’s prison guard menacingly pounding her hammy palm with a billy club. My son’s drawing gives me flashbacks to the time I made the fatal mistake of demanding to see the supervisor at the DMV.
If you have an art history background like me, my son’s depiction of Sanders might remind you of a Coptic Madonna or of Mrs. Potato Head.
“Too Hard to Draw”
My nine-year-old son surrounds his portrait of Sanders with white space as if to symbolize her recent expulsion from polite society.
His drawing of the press secretary has an ethereal quality like that of the Shroud of Turin, which, like Sanders, is believed by many to be the real thing, but is proven by science to be a fake.
My son hated drawing Sanders. Groaning and sighing, he frequently stopped sketching to devour a bowl of cherries that was part of his incentive. I also had to bribe him with $2 — which I’ll gladly pay him if he remembers to ask for it.
A child’s drawing often depicts adult authority figures as towering hulks.
Yet my son’s drawing makes Sanders look deflated, like at the end the
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade when they let the air out of the majestic
Miss Piggy.
That’s all, folks
It has been said that Sanders could lie her way through a spelling bee. (Well, it was me who said it.) She has to prevaricate, her job description includes defending the indefensible. Sean Spicer told tall tales too, but at least you could see his soul squirm like a worm on a fishhook. When Sanders fibs for her boss, her soul leaves her body for a conscience break at KFC. And like
Dr. Hannibal Lecter, her pulse never gets above 85.
Sanders may routinely escape probing questions by simply pointing to the next reporter, but she can’t escape the probing eyes of my young artists.
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You may also enjoy reading my story, How Sarah Huckabee Sanders Lied Her Way Through the Arkansas State Spelling Bee
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S. J. Newman is a freelance Creative Director and a certified writer at Comedywire where he heckles current events. See the usual suspects walk the red carpet of shame on his Medium blog, American Perp Walk.
