Trump Signs Executive Order to Resurrect Whale Oil Industry
“By 2021, cars will run on American whale oil ”
WASHINGTON (S. J. Newman) — Flanked by the last surviving member of the Whale Oilers & Tallow Dippers Union, President Trump signed a
job-creating executive order to revive the moribund whale oil industry.
“Just like clean coal, whale oil is terrific, it burns clean and it’s renewable,” said Mr. Trump. “We can catch and release Sperm whales. The sperm oil is taken out, somehow — I wouldn’t wanna be the guy who does that job by hand, I can tell you that.”
“Obviously, that’s not how you get oil from Sperm whales,” said Greenpeace Executive Director, Astrid Carson. “And you can’t do it without killing off this endangered species.”
“But apparently, from this administration,” said Ms. Carson, “you can get an ocean of free snake oil.”
After hearing news of President Trump’s executive order to revive the whale oil industry, numerous pods of Sperm whales reportedly threw up a little in their mouths.
“It’s a win-win for humans and whales,” said Mr. Trump, responding to reports of widespread leviathan nausea. “Whale vomit is prized as ambergris by the perfume industry, and costs up to $70,000 per pound. And, I guess, whales probably feel a lot better after throwing up.”
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S. J. Newman is a freelance Creative Director, and a certified writer at Comedywire where he heckles current events. See the usual suspects walk the red carpet of shame on his Medium blog, American Perp Walk.
