In Satire We Trust

United Airlines Forcibly Drags 29 People onto Underbooked Flight to Cleveland

Travelers at Newark International Airport frantically run to escape being dragged onto United Airlines Flight 623

NEWARK (S. J. Newman) Finding no volunteers after announcing free seats on a flight to Cleveland, United Airlines counter agents used an algorithm to randomly select 29 people walking past Gate 17 at Newark International Airport and dragged them aboard Flight 623.

After several conscripts escaped and the airport crowd scattered, United security agents scoured airport shops and restaurants for new volunteers, shanghaiing three customers from Ruby Tuesdays.

“It was mayhem — mothers separated from children, carry-on luggage piled to the ceiling — like a scene from Schindler’s List,said Ravi Patel, manager of a nearby Jamba Juice, “Everyone who works here calls that gate Stalag 17.”


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S.J. Newman is a freelance Creative Director. Please like, comment, share.

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