Being in a Good Moment
The question “How are you doing?” has been on my mind a lot lately. Or more specifically, I’ve been thinking about how I respond to this question whenever someone asks me.
What I’ve realised is that often I would pre-empt my answer to the question. So if I know that I’m about to start a conversation with someone that is going to ask me how I’m doing (like in a session with my therapist), I will spend a couple of seconds (beforehand) thinking how I would answer the question. Invariably, I’d respond with “I’m well.” or “I’m okay.” before launching into a qualification of my current state of mind.
But I’m not sure that those answers — or many of the others that I tend to use — are meaningful or even representative of how I am.
When I was thinking about how I answer this question, I realised that I would do one of two things:
- 1. I would either look at my most recent past and would make an assessment of the things that influenced my emotion, experience and perspective leading up to the question. If my most recent past, were mostly positive, then my answer would be ”I’m doing well.”. If it is more negative, I will go with “I’m okay.”
- 2. My alternative approach would be to answer based on my expectation of the future. If there was something I was looking forward to or if I had upcoming plans, I would positively respond about that. If something were coming up that I was dreading or I was facing a particularly tough challenge, then my assessment would pander to the negative instead.
I don’t think that this is wrong, but both approaches seem to miss the mark a little because it feels very judgemental and almost binary.
It feels like this method would be better suited if you were to ask me: “Adii, on a scale of 1 to 10, how are you doing?”. That way at least, I’m expected to answer with more of a quantified assessment.
A revised approach
Since I’ve started thinking about this, my goal has been to find a more purposeful and meaningful way in which I can tell others how I’m doing (when they are interested). I also wanted this to be something that I can be truthful about, where I didn’t have to sugar-coat or over-share.
The response that has thus far resonated most with me has been a variation of “I find myself in a good moment.”.
There is still an assessment in there, but by shifting the focus away from how I am doing (to the present instead), I’ve found that I can answer more colourfully.
The thing about speaking about this moment is that I can consider my most recent past, the near-future and just this moment as well. Acknowledging that both the past and future will influence this moment is almost freeing too, as it gives me permission then to just be in this moment and talk about it.
I’ve also found that this invites me to stay within the flow of things; whether that flow is productive or creative or whether it is sitting with a level of discomfort about something. That means that I almost just feel like a messenger in answering the question because I’m merely relaying my current state — in this moment — in words.
This approach has also been a great reminder to stay mindful because to answer any question about this moment, I need to be in this moment. :)
And by doing that, it’s made answering the question “How are you doing?” that much easier too (while at the same time helping me to give more purposeful, meaningful answers). No more need for short, almost-dismissive answers (like “I’m busy.”).
How are you? And how have you been answering this question lately?
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