The Paradox of Restraint

When I was younger, the idea of restraint or a limitation of any sorts would’ve felt threatening to me. This would inherently be an attack on my right to freely explore life, find my path and not to be boxed or labelled by society.

Today I understand my mind’s reasoning back then: I was a caged animal, and my monkey mind was on fire.

Today I also know that there is a paradox in the idea of restraint. In many cases, when I have practised restraint of some sorts, I’ve felt free.

Let me explore some examples.

Last year when I was training for my marathon, every run had an exact plan, and I was pushing myself. These days I run well below my maximum heart rate (or ability), I listen to an audiobook (fiction), and I sometimes sit down in lovely spots to take in the moment and scenery. I can thus run in any way that I want.

In a room full of smart people, I give myself permission to not have to prove how smart I am or to try be the most intelligent person in the room. In many single conversations, I would just listen, and even when I can contradict someone else, I’d try to ask questions and not offer answers. In this way, I’m free from the social or peer pressure to have a good answer or response all the time.

I’ve also started to restrain myself when I think ambitiously about my business, the growth thereof and the plans for the future. I purposefully try to think a little smaller or more near-term. What happens is that I then fell less burdened to always work ambitiously to this large, long-term dream and I can instead just find flow and meaning in whatever it is I’m doing today.

In Beartooth’s song “Hated”, they sing: “All alone in a wall-less prison.”.

This is what restraint has felt like in the past without me even knowing it. It becomes a very sharp, unrealistic and narrow focus on a supposed limitation that might probably not even exist.

Becoming aware of when and how to practice restraint though, it feels like I have flipped the equation on its head. When our perspective shifts and restraint doesn’t feel like a wall-less prison or limitation anymore, it becomes an enabler in its own right.

Ask yourself: Where in my life am I currently stuck? And is there a way to embrace that stuck-ness or apply a level of restraint that will make you unstuck elsewhere?

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Photo by Chaz McGregor on Unsplash