The Pressure Of Performing For Myself Is Too Much
Or: why I haven’t written anything in months
When I was young, I used to envy people who made YouTube videos every two days or people with a constant following on Instagram. I tried so hard to be like them. I would make YouTube videos, sometimes two in a day, and post them daily. I would keep that up for a week, and then I would quit doing it for months until I felt that envy again, repeating the cycle over and over.
Social platforms are exhausting for me, no matter how much I enjoy them. They take up a lot of space in my brain, without any real reward in return. When I write for my clients, I am paid. When I cook for my loved ones, I get to see them enjoy it. When I post on social platforms, I maybe get a few likes or a few heartwarming comments, but it feels different. It is not the same. It is less personal.
That does not mean that I do not like social platforms. On the contrary, I love them. They allow me to find like-minded people, to learn more about the world, and to be able to put my thoughts and feelings out there, into the world.
I love writing, that is why I chose to make it my job. It is also, why I started writing on Medium since this platform allows me to write about my personal experiences, rather than to make a “top 5” list of kitchen utensils. However, there is a very fine line between doing something for fun and doing something for a reward – At least, for me. The moment something “fun” starts becoming a gateway towards “rewarding” work, I feel the pressure increasing. Pressure I cannot take as easily as neurotypical people.
As someone neurodivergent, I constantly have to choose between tasks. I can often only complete one task, sometimes two. If I have more than two activities planned in a day, I often have a meltdown halfway through. It has made it hard to make appointments when I feel the pressure of performing, even when it is a fun visit to my friends or parents
Last year, I started writing poetry. It is something I really enjoy and something that helps me formulate my feelings into words. I often have a hard time identifying my feelings, so this was a great outlet. However, as soon as I decided that I wanted to publish the book once it was finished, I could not write anymore. My inspiration declined, and the pages stayed empty far longer than I had hoped.
The same thing happened with those YouTube videos when I was younger. As soon as they got some views and likes, I got the idea that I could do this for a living, and the inspiration stopped.
You may call me vain for only wanting to do things for a reward, but I wish I could change that feeling within myself. In addition, it is not only rewards that give me this feeling. For instance, I love learning. I love finding out more about nature, herbs, plants, and how to care for them. However, as soon as I pay for an online course to learn even more, the pressure becomes too much and I quit
It is not the rewards I fear, but the pressure of having to perform for myself.
Writing for clients and cooking are two things I know I am good at, so it is easier for me to do those. I do not need to prove a point to myself. I do not need to tell myself I am good enough. Others do that for me.
As soon as I start working on something for myself, that is when the pressure appears. I can tell myself I am doing fine, I can tell myself I am good enough, but it is not the same. I may be lying to myself. Who knows? I do not.
Once my post about my gender identity gained traction on Medium, I felt the pressure increase. I lost my inspiration and slowly started writing less and less. The pressure of having to perform increased, and I panicked. “How can I live my life like this?”, “How will I ever make it when I can’t continue writing?” Thoughts like that made their way inside my head, and I quit.
Right now, I have been focusing on my job. My mental health has stabilized, and I am ready to try again. I still feel envious when I see people making daily posts and videos on YouTube or Instagram, but I know that I am doing well in my own way.
I want to continue writing on Medium, but it will not be as often as before. I fear the algorithm will not like that very much, but that is something I will have to accept. My mental health is more important than the pressure to perform, and that is something I am working on.
Circular Words ©AraN Outer Logo by Keira Fulton-Lees
Inner Image by fliegenwulf / shutterstock.com
